How much this reflection made me suffer, only God knows, for He alone can penetrate our innermost heart. I began then to have doubts as to whether these manifestations might be from the devil, who was seeking by these means to make me lose my soul. As I heard people say that the devil always brings conflict and disorder, I began to think that, truly, ever since I had started seeing these things, our home was no longer the same, for joy and peace had fled. What anguish I felt! I made known my doubts to my cousins.
“No, it’s not the devil!” replied Jacinta, “not at all! They say that the devil is very ugly and that he is down under the ground in hell. But that Lady is so beautiful, and we saw her go up to Heaven!”
Our Lord made use of this to allay somewhat the doubts I had. But during the course of that month, I lost all enthusiasm for making sacrifices and acts of mortification, and ended up hesitating as to whether it would be better to say that I had been lying, and so put an end to the whole thing.
“Don’t do that!” exclaimed Jacinta and Francisco. “Don’t you see that now you are going to tell a lie, and to tell lies is a sin?”
While in this state of mind, I had a dream which only increased the darkness of my spirit. I saw the devil laughing at having deceived me, as he tried to drag me down to hell. On finding myself in his clutches I began to scream so loudly and call on Our Lady for help that I awakened my mother. She called out to me in alarm, and asked me what was the matter. I can’t recall what I told her, but I do remember that I was so paralyzed with fear that I couldn’t sleep anymore that night.
This dream left my soul clouded over with real fear and anguish. My one relief was to go off by myself to some solitary place, there to weep to my heart’s content. Even the company of my cousins began to seem burdensome, and for that reason I began to hide from them as well. The poor children! At times they would search for me, calling out my name and receiving no answer, but I was there all the while, hidden right close to them in some corner where they never thought of looking.
The 13th of July was close at hand, and I was still doubtful as to whether I should go. I thought to myself: “If it is the devil, why should I go to see him? If they ask me why I’m not going, I’ll say that I’m afraid it might be the devil who is appearing to us, and for that reason I’m not going back to the Cova da Iria anymore.” My decision made, I was firmly resolved to act on it.
By the evening of the 12th, the people were already gathering, in anticipation of the events of the following day. I therefore called Jacinta and Francisco, and told them of my resolution. “We’re going,” they answered: “The Lady said we were to go.” Jacinta volunteered to speak to the Lady, but she was so upset over my not going, that she started to cry.
I asked her for the reason for her tears.
“Because you don’t want to go!”
“No, I’m not going. Listen! If the Lady asks for me, tell her I’m not going, because I am afraid that it may be the devil.”
I left them then, to go and hide, and so avoid having to speak to all the people who came looking for me to ask questions. My mother thought I was playing with the children of the village, when all the time I was hidden behind the bramble bushes in a neighbor’s property which adjoined the Arneiro, a little to the east of the well which I have mentioned so many times already. She scolded me as soon as I got home that night: “A fine little plaster saint aren’t you, to be sure! All the time you have left from minding the sheep, you do nothing but play, and what’s more you have to do it in such a way that nobody can find you!”
On the following day, when it was nearly time to leave, I suddenly felt I had to go, impelled by a strange force that I could hardly resist. Then I set out, and called at my uncle’s house to see if Jacinta was still there. I found her in her room, together with her brother Francisco, kneeling beside the bed, crying.
“Aren’t you going then?” I asked.
“Not without you! We don’t dare. Do come!”
“Yes, I’m going,” I replied.
Their faces lightened up with joy, and they set out with me. Crowds of people were waiting for us along the road, and only with difficulty did we finally get there. This was the day on which Our Lady deigned to reveal to us the Secret. After that, to revive my flagging fervor, she said to us: “Sacrifice yourselves for sinners, and say many times to Jesus, especially when you make some sacrifice: O Jesus, it is for love of Thee, for the conversion of sinners, and in reparation for the sins committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary.”