Treats of how she lost these virtues and of how important it is in childhood to associate with virtuous people.
WHAT I AM GOING TO TELL ABOUT began, it seems to me, to do me much harm. I sometimes reflect on the great damage parents do by not striving that their children might always see virtuous deeds of every kind. For even though my mother, as I said,1 was so virtuous, I did not, in reaching the age of reason, imitate her good qualities; in fact hardly at all. And the bad ones did me much harm. She loved books of chivalry.2 But this pastime didn’t hurt her the way it did me, for she did not fail to do her duties; and we used to read them together in our free time. Perhaps she did this reading to escape thinking of the great trials she had to bear and to busy her children with something so that they would not turn to other things dangerous to them. Our reading such books was a matter that weighed so much upon my father that we had to be cautioned lest he see us. I began to get the habit of reading these books. And by that little fault, which I saw in my mother, I started to grow cold in my desires and to fail in everything else. I didn’t think it was wrong to waste many hours of the day and night in such a useless practice, even though hidden from my father. I was so completely taken up with this reading that I didn’t think I could be happy if I didn’t have a new book.
2. I began to dress in finery and to desire to please and look pretty, taking great care of my hands and hair and about perfumes and all the empty things in which one can indulge, and which were many, for I was very vain. I had no bad intentions since I would not have wanted anyone to offend God on my account. For many years I took excessive pains about cleanliness and other things that did not seem in any way sinful. Now I see how wrong it must have been.
I had some first cousins3 who often came to our house, though my father was very cautious and would not allow others to do so; please God he had been inspired to do likewise with my cousins. For now I realize what a danger it is at an age when one should begin to cultivate the virtues to associate with people who do not know the vanity of the world but rather are just getting ready to throw themselves into it. They were about my age—a little older than I—and we always went about together. They liked me very much, and I engaged in conversations with them about all the things that pleased them. I listened to accounts of their affections and of childish things not the least bit edifying; and, what was worse, I exposed my soul to that which caused all its harm.
3. If I should have to give advice, I would tell parents that when their children are this age they ought to be very careful about whom their children associate with. For here lies the root of great evil since our natural bent is toward the worst rather than toward the best.
So it happened to me. For I had a sister4 much older than I whose modesty and goodness (of which she had a great deal) I did not imitate at all; and I imitated all that was harmful in a relative who spent a lot of time at our house. She was so frivolous that my mother tried very hard to keep her from coming to our home. It seems my mother foresaw the harm that would be done to me on account of her, but there were so many occasions for her to come to the house that my mother could not prevent it. This relative was the one I liked to associate with. My talks and conversations were with her, for she encouraged me in all the pastimes I desired and even immersed me in them by sharing with me her conversations and vanities. Until I began to associate with her when I was fourteen, or I think older (I mean when she took me for her friend and confidante), I don’t think I would have abandoned God by a mortal sin or lost the fear of God, although the fear of losing my honor was stronger in me. This sense of honor gave me the strength not to completely lose my reputation. Nor do I think anything in the world could have made me change my mind in that regard. Neither do I think the love of anyone could have made me give in. Would that I had had the fortitude not to do anything against the honor of God just as my natural bent gave me fortitude not to lose anything of what I thought belonged to the honor of the world. And I did not see that I was losing it in many other ways.
4. I was extreme in my vain desire for my reputation, but the means necessary to preserve it I didn’t take; although I was very circumspect so as not to lose it entirely.
This friendship pained my father and sister. They often reproached me for it. Since they couldn’t do away with the occasion for her coming to our home, their careful efforts were useless, for I was strikingly shrewd when it came to mischief. It frightens me sometimes to think of the harm a bad companion can do, and if I hadn’t experienced it I wouldn’t believe it. Especially during adolescence the harm done must be greater. I should like parents to learn from my experience to be very watchful in this matter. And indeed this conversation so changed me that hardly any virtue remained to my naturally virtuous soul. And I think she and another girl friend of the same type impressed their own traits upon me.
5. From such experience I understand the great profit that comes from good companionship. And I am certain that if at that age I had gone around with virtuous persons, I would have remained whole in virtue. For should I have had when that age someone to teach me to fear God, my soul would have gained strength not to fall. Afterward, having lost this fear of God completely, I only had the fear of losing my reputation, and such fear brought me torment in everything I did. With the thought that my deeds would not be known, I dared to do many things truly against my honor and against God.
6. These things did me harm, I think, at the beginning, and it wasn’t her fault but mine. For afterward my malice was sufficient, together with having the maids around, for in them I found a helping hand for every kind of wrong. If there had been one of them to give me good counsel, I perhaps would have benefited by it; but self-interest blinded them as my vanity did me. I was never inclined to great evil—for I naturally abhorred indecent things—but to the pastime of pleasant conversation; yet, placed in the occasion, the danger was at hand, and my father’s and brothers’ reputation was in jeopardy as well. From all these occasions and dangers God delivered me in such a way that it seems clear He strove, against my will, to keep me from being completely lost, although this deliverance could not be achieved so secretly as to prevent me from suffering much loss of reputation and my father from being without suspicion. For it doesn’t seem to me that three months, during which I engaged in these vanities, had gone by when my father brought me to a convent in that place where they educated persons like myself,5 although not with habits as bad as mine. This was done so cautiously that only I and some relatives knew about it because they waited for an opportunity when it would not seem surprising for me to go to the convent school; that is, once my sister was married6 it seemed no longer good for me to stay at home without a mother.
7. So excessive was the love my father bore me and so great my dissimulation that he was unable to believe there was much wrong with me, and so he was not angered with me. Since this period of time had been brief, and though he knew something, nothing could be said with certainty. For since I feared so much for my honor, I used every effort to keep my actions secret, and I never considered that one can never do this with Him who sees all things. O my God! What harm is done in the world by considering our actions of only little importance and by thinking something can be done against You in secret! I am certain that great evils would be avoided if we were to understand that the whole matter lies not in our guarding ourselves against men but in our guarding ourselves against displeasing You.
8. The first eight days I felt very unhappy because of my being in that convent school, and more than that because of my suspicion that they knew about my vanity. For already I was wearied and did not fail to have great fear of God when I offended Him, trying to go to confession at once. Although at the beginning I was very unhappy, within eight days—and I think even less—I was much more content than when in my father’s house. All were very pleased with me, for the Lord gave me the grace to be pleasing wherever I went, and so I was much loved. And although at that time I was strongly against my becoming a nun, it made me happy to see such good nuns, for there were many good ones in that house, very modest, religious and circumspect. Nonetheless, in spite of all, the devil didn’t let up tempting me, through some outsiders who continued to send me messages. But since the opportunities were few, these persons stopped sending them. My soul began to return to the good habits of early childhood, and I saw the great favor God accords to anyone placed with good companions. It seems to me that His Majesty was considering and reconsidering in what way He could bring me back to Himself. May You be blessed, Lord, who put up with me so long! Amen.
9. One thing, it seems, that could have amounted to some excuse for me, should I not have had so many faults, was that the friendship with one of my cousins was in view of a possible marriage; and having inquired of my confessor and other persons about many things, I was told I was doing nothing against God.
10. There was a nun7 there in care of the dormitory for all of us who were lay persons. It was by means of her it seems that the Lord wished to begin to give me light, as I shall now tell.