Treats of how much she owes the Lord for having given her conformity to His will in the midst of such severe trials, and how she took the glorious St. Joseph for her mediator and advocate, and of the great good he did her.
SUCH WERE THESE FOUR DAYS1 I spent in this paroxysm that only the Lord can know the unbearable torments I suffered within myself: my tongue, bitten to pieces; my throat unable to let even water pass down—from not having swallowed anything and from the great weakness that oppressed me; everything seeming to be disjointed; the greatest confusion in my head; all shriveled and drawn together in a ball. The result of the torments of those four days was that I was unable to stir, not an arm or a foot, neither hand nor head, unable to move as though I were dead; only one finger on my right hand it seems I was able to move. Since there was no way of touching me, because I was so bruised that I couldn’t endure it, they moved me about in a sheet, one of the nuns at one end and another at the other.
This lasted until Easter. My only relief was that if they did not touch me, the pains often stopped, and on account of this bit of rest, I considered myself already well; for I was fearful I would lose patience. And so I was very happy to be without such sharp and continuous pains, although the quartan fevers2 that remained with their accompanying severe chills were so harsh that I found them unbearable; the lack of appetite was very great.
2. Right away I was in such a hurry to return to the convent that I made them bring me back as I was.3 The one they expected to be brought back dead they received alive; but the body, worse than dead, was a pity to behold. The state of my weakness was indescribable, for I was then only bones. I may add that the above condition lasted for more than eight months. The paralysis, although it gradually got better, lasted almost three years.4 When I began to go about on hands and knees, I praised God. With great conformity to His will, I suffered all those years and—if not in these early sufferings—with great gladness. For it was all a trifle to me in comparison with the pains and torments suffered in the beginning. I was very conformed to the will of God, and I would have remained so even had He left me in this condition forever. It seems to me that all my longing to be cured was that I might remain alone in prayer as was my custom, for in the infirmary the suitable means for this was lacking. I went to confession very often. I spoke much about God in such a way that I was edifying to everyone, and they were amazed at the patience the Lord gave me. For if this patience had not come from the hand of His Majesty, it seemed it would have been impossible to suffer so much with so great contentment.
3. It was a great thing that He had granted me the favor in prayer which He did, for this made me understand the meaning of love for Him. For within that short time I saw some new virtues arise in me (although they were not strong since they were insufficient to sustain me in righteousness): not speaking evil of anyone, no matter how slight, but ordinarily avoiding all fault-finding. I was very much aware that I should not desire to say of another person what I would not want them to say of me. I was extremely cautious about this in the occasions there were—although not so perfectly that I did not sometimes fail a little when the occasions were very great; but ordinarily I was faithful. And thus I so persuaded those who associated with me that they acquired the habit. It became generally known that where I was present there was no talking behind anyone’s back, and this was the opinion of my friends, relatives, and all those I had taught. Nevertheless in other matters I will have to render an account to God for the bad example I gave them.
May His Majesty be pleased to pardon me, for I have been the cause of many evils but not with the intention of doing all the harm that was afterward the outcome of my deeds.
4. There remained in me the desire for solitude and a fondness for conversing and speaking about God. If I found someone with whom to speak thus, it gave me more happiness and recreation than all the suave—coarse, to use a better word—conversation of the world. I received Communion and confessed much more often and desired to do so. I liked to read good books very much, and felt the deepest repentance after having offended God. For often, I recall, I did not dare pray, because I feared as I would a severe punishment the very bitter sorrow I would have to feel at having offended God. This went on increasing afterward to such an extreme that I don’t know what to compare the torment to. This feeling did not in any way spring from fear, but since I remembered the favors the Lord granted me in prayer and the many things I owed Him, and I saw how badly I was repaying Him, I could not endure it. And seeing my lack of amendment, I became extremely vexed about the many tears I was shedding over my faults, for neither were my resolutions nor were the hardships I suffered enough to keep me from placing myself in the occasion and falling again. They seemed fraudulent tears to me, and afterward the fault appeared to be greater, because I saw the wonderful favor the Lord bestowed in giving me these tears and such deep repentance. I endeavored to go to confession right away and, in my opinion, I did what I could to return to God’s grace.
The whole trouble lay in not getting at the root of the occasions and with my confessors who were of little help. For had they told me of the danger I was in and that I had the obligation to avoid those friendships, without a doubt I believe I would have remedied the matter. For in no way would I have endured being in mortal sin even for a day should I have understood that to be the case.
All these signs of fear of God came to me during prayer; and the greatest sign was that they were enveloped in love, for punishment did not enter my mind. This carefulness of conscience with respect to mortal sins lasted all during my illness. Oh, God help me, how I desired my health so as to serve Him more, and this health was the cause of all my harm.
5. Since I saw myself so crippled and still so young and how helpless the doctors of earth were, I resolved to go for aid to the doctors of heaven that they might cure me. For I still desired my health, even though I bore the illness with much happiness. And I thought sometimes that if in being well I were to be condemned, I would be better off this way. But nonetheless I thought I would be able to serve God much better if I were in good health. This is our mistake: not abandoning ourselves entirely to what the Lord does, for He knows best what is fitting for us.
6. I began to attend Mass and to recite devotional prayers that were highly approved, for I never cared for other devotions that some people practice, especially women, with those ceremonies, intolerable to me, but to them an aid for their devotion. Afterward I came to understand that they were not suitable devotions but superstitious ones. I took for my advocate and lord the glorious St. Joseph and earnestly recommended myself to him. I saw clearly that as in this need so in other greater ones concerning honor and loss of soul this father and lord of mine came to my rescue in better ways than I knew how to ask for. I don’t recall up to this day ever having petitioned him for anything that he failed to grant. It is an amazing thing the great many favors God has granted me through the mediation of this blessed saint, the dangers I was freed from both of body and soul. For with other saints it seems the Lord has given them grace to be of help in one need, whereas with this glorious saint I have experience that he helps in all our needs and that the Lord wants us to understand that just as He was subject to St. Joseph on earth—for since bearing the title of father, being the Lord’s tutor, Joseph could give the Child command—so in heaven God does whatever he commands.
This has been observed by other persons, also through experience, whom I have told to recommend themselves to him. And so there are many who in experiencing this truth renew their devotion to him.
7. I endeavored to celebrate his feast with all the solemnity possible. But, in my desire to do so very carefully and well, I was filled more with vanity than with spirituality, though my intention was good. This was a fault I had, that if the Lord gave me the grace to do something good, what I did was filled with imperfections and many failures. In wrongdoing, curiosity, and vanity, I was especially skillful and diligent. May the Lord pardon me.
8. Because of my impressive experience of the goods this glorious saint obtains from God, I had the desire to persuade all to be devoted to him. I have not known anyone truly devoted to him and rendering him special services who has not advanced more in virtue. For in a powerful way he benefits souls who recommend themselves to him. It seems to me that for some years now I have asked him for something on his feast day, and my petition is always granted. If the request is somewhat out of line, he rectifies it for my greater good. If I were a person who had authority for writing I would willingly and in a very detailed way enlarge upon what I am saying about the favors this glorious saint did for me and for others. But so as to do no more than what they gave me the command to do, I will be briefer in many matters than I desire, more extensive in others than necessary—in sum, like one who has little discretion in anything that is good. I only ask for the love of God those who do not believe me to try, and they will see through experience the great good that comes from recommending oneself to this glorious patriarch and being devoted to him. Especially persons of prayer should always be attached to him. For I don’t know how one can think about the Queen of Angels and about when she went through so much with the Infant Jesus without giving thanks to St. Joseph for the good assistance he then provided them both with. Those who cannot find a master to teach them prayer should take this glorious saint for their master, and they will not go astray. Please God I may not have erred in being so bold as to speak about him, for although publicly I am devoted to him, I have always been lacking in serving and imitating him. For he being who he is brought it about that I could rise and walk and not be crippled; and I being who I am used this favor badly.
9. Who would have claimed I would so quickly fall after so many gifts from God, after His Majesty had begun to give me virtues which themselves roused me to His service, after I had seen myself almost dead and in such serious danger of being condemned, after having been raised up body and soul so that all who saw me were amazed to see me alive! What is this, my Lord! Must we live in so dangerous a life? For in writing this it seems to me that with Your favor and through Your mercy I can say what St. Paul said, although not with such perfection, that I no longer live but that You, my Creator, live in me.5 The reason is that for some years now, insofar as I can understand, You have held me by Your hand, and I see in myself desires and resolutions—and in some way have received proof of them through experience with many things during these years—not to do anything against Your will no matter how small; although I must offend Your Majesty in many ways without knowing it. And also it seems to me that no task to be done for love of You could be given me without my accomplishing it with great determination. And in some tasks You have helped me carry them out. I do not desire the world or any part of it; nor, it seems, does anything make me happy unless it comes from You, and the rest seems to me a heavy cross.
I could well be mistaken, and so it could be that I do not possess what I have spoken of, but You see well, my Lord, that insofar as I can understand I am not lying. And I fear—and with every reason—lest You abandon me. For now I know what happens to my strength and little virtue if You are not always giving and helping me so that I do not forsake You. May it please Your Majesty that even now while all this comes to mind I may not be separated from You.
I don’t know why we desire to live since everything is so uncertain. It seemed to me impossible, my Lord, to abandon You so completely. And since I did forsake You so many times, I cannot but fear. For when You withdrew a little from me, I fell to the ground. May You be blessed forever! Although I abandoned You, You did not abandon me so completely as not to turn to raise me up by always holding out Your hand to me. And often times, Lord, I did not want it; nor did I desire to understand how often You called me again, as I shall now tell.