Begins to tell about the favors the Lord granted her in prayer, of how we ourselves can help, and how important it is that we understand the graces the Lord gives us. Asks the one to whom this is sent to keep secret what she writes about from here on, for they commanded her to speak so personally about the favors the Lord grants her.1
ISOMETIMES EXPERIENCED, as I said,2 although very briefly, the beginning of what I will now speak about. It used to happen, when I represented Christ within me in order to place myself in His presence, or even while reading, that a feeling of the presence of God would come upon me unexpectedly so that I could in no way doubt He was within me or I totally immersed in Him. This did not occur after the manner of a vision. I believe they call the experience “mystical theology.” The soul is suspended in such a way that it seems to be completely outside itself. The will loves; the memory, it seems to me, is almost lost. For, as I say, the intellect does not work, but it is as though amazed by all it understands because God desires that it understand, with regard to the things His Majesty represents to it, that it understands nothing.
2. Before this, I felt very habitually a tenderness that, it seems to me, can in part be acquired, a favor that is neither entirely of the senses nor entirely spiritual. Everything is given by God, but it seems we can help a great deal to receive this tenderness by considering our lowliness and the ingratitude we have shown toward God, the many things He did for us, His Passion with such heavy sorrows, His life so afflicted, and by delighting in the sight of His works, His grandeur, how He loves us, and in the many other things that those who truly want to improve spiritually are often able to find all around them, even though they do not seek to do so deliberately. If some love accompanies this activity, the soul is gladdened, the heart is touched with tenderness, and tears begin to flow. Sometimes it seems we draw forth the tears through our own effort, at other times it seems the Lord grants them to us, since we are unable to resist them. Apparently, His Majesty repays us for that bit of care with a gift as great as is the consolation He gives a soul when it sees that it weeps for so great a Lord. And I am not surprised, for he surpasses reason in bestowing consolation: He comforts here; He gladdens there.
3. It seems to me the following comparison that now comes to mind is a good one, for these joys of prayer must be like those of heaven. Since souls do not see more than what the Lord, in conformity with their merits, desires them to see—and they see their few merits—they are happy with the place they have, even though there is the greatest difference in heaven between one joy and another. This difference is far more than the difference here below between some spiritual joys and others, which is very great.
Truly, in the beginning when God grants it this favor, it almost seems to the soul that there is nothing more for it to desire, and it considers itself well repaid for all its service. It is more than right, for one of these tears that, as I say, we almost acquire ourselves—although without God nothing is accomplished—cannot be bought in my opinion with all the trials in the world; for much is gained by these tears. And what greater gain is there than to have evidence that we are pleasing God? Thus they who reach this point praise God much and know themselves to be very indebted. For now it seems, if they don’t turn back, that they are chosen for God’s own house and kingdom.
4. Let them pay no attention to the kinds of humility, which I will discuss later,3 in which it seems to some that it is humility not to acknowledge that God is giving them gifts. Let us understand most clearly the real fact: God gives them to us without any merit on our part. And let us thank His Majesty for them, because, if we do not acknowledge we are receiving them, we will not awaken ourselves to love. And it is very certain that while we see more clearly that we are rich, over and above knowing that we are poor, more benefit comes to us, and even more authentic humility. Anything else would amount to intimidating the spirit, making it believe that it isn’t capable of great blessings, so that when the Lord begins to give them to it, it starts to get frightened about vainglory. Let us believe that He who gives us the blessings will give us the grace so that when the devil begins to tempt us in this way we shall understand and have the fortitude to resist—I mean, if we walk with sincerity before God, aiming at pleasing Him alone and not people.
5. It is very obvious that we love others more when we often recall the good works they do for us. If it is permissible, and therefore meritorious, to keep always in mind that we have our being from God, that He created us from nothing and sustains us, and all the other benefits flowing from His death and trials for long before He created us He obtained them for each one now living—why would it not be permissible for me to see and understand and often consider that I ordinarily used to speak about vanities and that now the Lord has given me the desire to speak of nothing but Him? Here is a jewel by which, in recalling that it is a gift and that we possess it, we are compelled to love the giver. For love is the genuine fruit of prayer when prayer is rooted in humility. What then will happen when they see in their power other than precious jewels, like those some servants of God have already received, of contempt of the world and even of themselves? It is clear that they must consider themselves more indebted and obliged to serve and to understand that we have no right to any of this, and to know the generosity of the Lord. For to a soul as poor and wretched and without merit as mine, for which the first of these jewels was enough, and more than enough, He desired to grant more riches; more than I knew how to desire.
6. It is necessary to draw out strength again for service and to strive not to be ungrateful. For the Lord gives these riches under this condition that if we do not use well the treasure and high state in which He places us, He will take them from us and we shall be left poorer. And His Majesty will give the jewels to those who will display them and gain profit from them, both for themselves and for others.
For how can people benefit and share their gifts lavishly if they do not understand that they are rich? In my opinion, it is impossible because of our nature for those who don’t know they are favored by God to have enthusiasm for great things. We are so miserable and so inclined to earthly things that those who do not understand they have a pledge of heavenly things will find it hard to abhor in fact and with detachment everything here below. By these gifts, the Lord gives us the fortitude that by our sins we are losing. If people don’t have, along with a living faith, some pledge of the love God has for them, they will not desire to be despised and belittled by everyone and have all the other great virtues that the perfect possess. For our nature is so dead that we go after what we see in the present. Thus these very favors are what awaken faith and strengthen it. Now it could be that, since I am so wretched I am judging others by myself, others may find they have need of no more than the truth of faith in order to perform very perfect works—and I, being so miserable, have had need of everything.
7. They will say whether this is so or not. I am speaking about what has happened to me, as I have been ordered to do. And if what I say isn’t worthwhile, the one I’m sending it to will tear it up,4 for he will understand what is of little worth better than I. I beseech him for the love of the Lord to publish what I have said up to this point about my wretched life. I now give this permission to him and to all my confessors, for he to whom this is being sent is one of them. And if they desire they may publish it while I am still alive that the world may no longer be deceived, for it thinks there is some good in me. And most certainly and truly I say, according to what I now know about myself, that their publishing this would give me great consolation.
As for what I say from here on, I do not give this permission; nor do I desire, if they should show it to someone, that they tell who it is who has experienced these things, or who has written this. As a result, I will not mention my name or the name of anyone else, but I will write everything as best I can so as to remain unknown, and this I ask for the love of God. These persons so learned and serious in mind will suffice for giving credibility to any good thing if the Lord gives me the grace to say it, because if it is good it will be His and not mine. For I am without learning or a good life, without instruction from a learned man or from any other person (for only those who commanded me to write this know that I am writing it, and at present they are not here), and almost stealing time, and regretfully because it prevents me from spinning and this is a poor house with many things to be done. For even though the Lord may have given me greater capability and memory so that I might thereby have been able to profit from what I have heard or read, I have retained very little of it. Thus if I should say something good, the Lord wills it for some good; what is bad will be from me, and Your Reverence will strike it out. Neither in the one instance nor in the other would there be any gain in my telling my name. It is clear that during my life no good should be said of me. After my death there would be no reason for doing so; but rather goodness would lose prestige, and no credit would be given to it for being said of so wretched and base a person.
8. And with the thought that Your Reverence will do this that I’m asking you, for the love of the Lord, and that others who read it also will do so, I am writing freely. Otherwise I would have great scruples, with the exception of writing about my sins, for in such a matter I have no scruples. As for everything else, just being a woman is enough to have my wings fall off—how much more being both a woman and wretched as well. And thus what amounts to more than simply giving an account of my life, Your Reverence may judge—since you so importuned that I write some statement about the favors granted me by God in prayer as to its conformity with the truths of our holy Catholic faith. And if it should not be in conformity with them, Your Reverence may burn it immediately, for I would submit to it being burned. And I shall speak of what is taking place in me so that when it is conformed to this faith, it may bring some profit to Your Reverence; and if it is not, you will free my soul from illusion so that the devil may not be gaining where it seems to me that I am gaining. For the Lord well knows, as I shall afterward say,5 that I have always tried to find someone who would give me light.
9. As much as I desire to speak clearly about these matters of prayer, they will be really obscure for anyone who has not had experience. I’ll speak of some things that as I understand them are obstacles to progress along this path and other things in which there is danger. These things I’ll say from what the Lord has taught me through experience and through discussions with very learned men and persons who have lived the spiritual life for many years. It will be seen that within only twenty-seven years in which I have practiced prayer His Majesty has given me the experience—along with my walking amid so many stumbling blocks and so poorly on this path—that for others took forty-seven or thirty-seven years; they journeyed in penance and always in virtue.
May His Majesty be blessed for everything and served by me on account of who He is. For my Lord knows well that in writing this I have no other aim than that He be praised and extolled a little when it is seen that in so filthy and malodorous a dungheap He should make a garden with so many delicate flowers. May His Majesty be pleased that through my own fault I do not pull them up again and let the garden return to what it was. I beg for the love of God that Your Reverence pray for this since you know more clearly what I am than you have allowed me to tell here.