Continues with this first state and gives advice concerning some temptations the devil at times causes. The advice is very helpful.
IT HAS OCCURRED TO ME to speak about some temptations I have observed in beginners—I myself have had some—and to give certain advice that to me seems necessary.
Now strive in the beginning to walk in joy and freedom, for there are some persons who think their devotion will go away if they become a little distracted. It is good to walk in fear of self so as to avoid trusting oneself either little or much when entering into an occasion where God is usually offended. This fear is most necessary until we are whole in virtue. If a temptation comes from human nature, there are few who can consider themselves so strong as to be negligent. Always, as long as we live, even for the sake of humility, it is good to know our miserable nature. But, as I said,1 there are many reasons why it is permitted to take recreation—even so as to be able to return with greater strength to prayer. Discretion is required in everything.
2. Have great confidence, for it is necessary not to hold back one’s desires, but to believe in God that if we try we shall little by little, even though it may not be soon, reach the state the saints did with His help. For if they had never determined to desire and seek this state little by little in practice they would never have mounted so high. His Majesty wants this determination, and He is a friend of courageous souls if they walk in humility and without trusting in self. I have not seen any cowardly soul or any of these who under the pretext of humility remain along the bottom of this path who do not take many years to advance as far as these courageous ones do in a few. I marvel at how important it is to be courageous in striving for great things along this path. For though the soul is not yet strong enough, it nonetheless takes flight and goes very high although like a little fledgling it soon tires and stops.
3. In the past I frequently kept in mind St. Paul’s words that all things can be done in God. I understood clearly that of myself I couldn’t do anything. Understanding this helped me very much; and also what St. Augustine says; give me, Lord, what You command, and command what You desire. I often thought that St. Peter didn’t lose anything when he threw himself into the sea, even though he grew frightened afterward.2 These first acts of determination are very important, although in this initial stage it is necessary to hold back a little and be bound by discretion and the opinion of a spiritual master. But souls should be careful that he isn’t the kind that will teach them to be toads or that will be satisfied in merely showing them how to catch little lizards. Let humility always go first so as to understand that this strength does not come from ourselves.
4. But it is necessary that we know what this humility is like. I believe the devil harms people who practice prayer and prevents them from advancing by causing them to misunderstand humility. He makes it appear to us that it’s pride to have great desires and want to imitate the saints and long to be martyrs. Then he tells us or causes us to think that since we are sinners the deeds of the saints are for our admiration, not our imitation. This I admit too. But we must distinguish what is to be admired from what is to be imitated. It wouldn’t be good for weak and sickly people to take up much fasting and harsh penance and go off to desert places where they could neither sleep nor have anything to eat, or for them to do similar things. But we should think that we can with God’s help strive to have great contempt for the world, disesteem of honor, and detachment from our possessions. We have such stingy hearts that it seems to us we’re going to lose the earth if we desire to neglect the body a little for the sake of the spirit. Then it seems to be a help toward recollection to be secure in the possession of necessities because concern about these necessities is a disturbance to prayer. It makes me sad that we have so little confidence in God and so much self-love that these concerns should disturb us. And so it is that where the spirit is prospering as poorly as this a few trifles are as bad a trial to us as other trials caused by great and very important things. And yet in our judgment we presume that we are spiritual!
5. It seems to me now that this manner of procedure is a desire to reconcile body and soul so as to preserve one’s rest here below and enjoy God up above. And if we walk in justice and cling to virtue, this will come about—but we would be advancing at the speed of a hen! Never in this way will one reach freedom of spirit. This is a very good way it seems to me for those who are in the married state and must live in conformity with their calling. But for the other state, in no way do I desire such kind of progress nor will anyone convince me it is good; for I have tried it; and I would never have moved if the Lord in His goodness had not taught me another shortcut.
6. Although in this matter of desires I have always had great ones, I strove for what I have mentioned:3 both to practice prayer and to live for my own pleasures. I believe that if I might have had someone to make me fly, I would have turned the desires into deeds more quickly. But on account of our sins, so few and so rare are the spiritual masters who are not excessively discreet in these matters that I believe it is one of the main reasons why beginners do not advance more rapidly to high perfection. For the Lord never fails, nor should He be blamed. We are the failures and miserable ones.
7. Also we can imitate the saints in seeking solitude and silence and many other virtues that will not kill these woeful bodies that seek so concertedly to take away these virtues in order to disconcert the soul; and the devil does a great deal to incapacitate us when he sees a little fear. He wants no more than to make us think that everything is going to kill us and injure our health. Even tears, he causes us to think, will make us go blind. I went through this, and so I know. I don’t understand what better sight or health we can desire than to lose them for a reason like this. Since I am so sickly, I was always tied down without being worth anything until I determined to pay no attention to the body or to my health. Now what I do doesn’t amount to much; but since God desired that I understand this trick of the devil, who put the thought in my head that I would lose my health, I said: What difference does it make if I die; or at the thought of rest, I answered: I no longer need rest but the cross; and so with other thoughts. I have seen clearly that on very many occasions, even though I am in fact very sickly, that it was a temptation from the devil or from my own laziness—for afterward when I wasn’t so cared for and pampered, I had much better health.
So it is very important in the initial stages of prayer not to be intimidated by thoughts; and believe me in this matter because I know it through experience. And that others might learn from my difficulties, I can even be of benefit to them by telling these faults of mine.
8. Another temptation is then very common. Since they begin to enjoy the serenity and gain that comes, they desire everyone else to be very spiritual. To desire this is not wrong. Striving to bring it about could have unhappy results if there is not a lot of discretion and simulation, doing so in such a way that one does not appear to be teaching. Whoever should have to work toward something beneficial in this area must have strong virtues so as not to give temptation to others.
This happened to me—and so I understand it—when, as I said,4 I strove to get others to practice prayer. Since on the one hand they heard me speak wonderful things about the great good contained in the practice of prayer and on the other hand they observed my great poverty in respect to the virtues, I believe I was a source of temptation and confusion for them. And with every reason! Afterward they finally told me they didn’t know how the one was compatible with the other. And the reason for their considering what in itself was wrong to be all right was that they saw that I who they thought was good sometimes did it.
9. And this confusion is the work of the devil, for apparently he makes use of the good virtues we have to authorize as much as he can the evil he is pursuing. For, no matter how small it may be, when there is question of a community, he must gain readily—how much more in that the wrong I did was very great. As a matter of fact, in the course of many years only three profited from what I said to them.5 And later when the Lord had given me more strength in virtue, many profited within two or three years, as I shall afterward say.6 Moreover, there is another great disadvantage: a gradual backsliding on the part of the soul. The most we have to strive for in the beginning is to care for oneself alone and consider that there is nothing on earth but God and oneself—and this practice is very beneficial.
10. The devil tempts them in another way through distress over the sins and failings of others. (And all these temptations come from a zeal for virtue which it is necessary to understand and be careful about.) He puts it in their heads that this distress stems only from the desire that God not be offended and from concern for His honor; and next they seek a remedy. This desire disquiets them so much that it hinders their prayer; and the greatest harm lies in their thinking this distress amounts to virtue, perfection, and great zeal for God. I am not speaking about distress over the public sins of a Congregation—if they should become a common practice—or about the harm that comes to the Church from these heresies that give rise to the loss of so many souls. Such sorrow is very good; and since it is very good, it does not disquiet.
But the safe path for the soul that practices prayer will be not to bother about anything or anyone and to pay attention to itself and to pleasing God. This is important—ah, if I should have to speak of the mistakes I have seen happen by trusting in the good intention! But let us strive always to look at the virtues and good deeds we see in others and cover their defects with the thought of our own great sins. This is a manner of acting that, although we cannot do so with perfection right away, gradually gains for us a great virtue, that is: considering all others better than ourselves. In this way with the help of God one begins to acquire this virtue, for it is necessary in all things; and when it is lacking, all our efforts are useless. Let us beseech Him to give us this virtue, for He will not refuse it to anyone who does his best.
11. This advice should be kept in mind also by those who reason a great deal with the intellect, deducing many ideas from one idea and working with concepts. Those like myself who cannot work with the intellect don’t need any advice other than to be patient until the Lord gives them light and something to be occupied with. These persons can do so little with their intellects by themselves that any other counsel would hinder them rather than help them.
But returning to those who practice discursive reflection, I say they should not pass the whole time thinking. For, although discursive reflection is very meritorious, they don’t seem to realize that since their prayer is delightful there should ever be a Sunday or a time in which one is not working; but they think such time is lost. I consider this loss a great gain. But, as I have said,7 they should put themselves in the presence of Christ and, without tiring the intellect, speak with and delight in Him and not wear themselves out in composing syllogisms; rather, they should show Him their needs and the reason why He doesn’t have to allow us to be in His presence. The discursive reflection they can do at one time, and the other acts at another, so that the soul may not grow tired of always eating the same food. These acts are very delightful and helpful if one’s taste becomes accustomed to them. They contain a great amount of sustenance giving the soul life and many benefits.
12. I want to explain myself further because these matters concerning prayer are all difficult and if one doesn’t find a master for himself, they are very hard to understand. As a result, even though I want to be brief and just touching upon them is enough for someone with good intelligence (like the one who ordered me to write about these matters of prayer), my dullness of mind does not allow me to explain in a few words something it is so important to explain well. For since I suffered so much, I pity those who begin solely with books because it is strange how different what one understands is from what one afterward sees through experience.
But to return to what I was saying:8 let us begin to think about an episode of the Passion, let’s say of when our Lord was bound to the pillar. The intellect goes in search of reasons for better understanding the great sorrows and pain His Majesty suffered in that solitude and many other things that the intellect, if it works hard, can herein deduce. How much more if it is the intellect of a learned man! This is the method of prayer with which all must begin, continue, and finish; and it is a very excellent and safe path until the Lord leads one to other supernatural things.
13. I say “all,” but there are many souls that benefit more by other meditations than those on the sacred Passion. For just as there are many mansions in heaven,9 there are many paths. Some persons find it helpful to think about hell, others about death; some if they have tender hearts experience much fatigue if they always think about the Passion, and they are refreshed and helped by considering the power and grandeur of God in creatures—and the love He bore us, and its manifestation in all things. This is an admirable method of procedure as long as one often reflects on the Passion and life of Christ from which has come and continues to come every good.
14. Beginners need counsel so as to see what helps them most. For this reason a master is very necessary providing he has experience. If he doesn’t, he can be greatly mistaken and lead a soul without understanding it nor allowing it to understand itself. For since it sees that there is great merit in being subject to a master, it doesn’t dare depart from what he commands it. I have come upon souls intimidated and afflicted for whom I felt great pity because the one who taught them had no experience; and there was one person who didn’t know what to do with herself. Since they do not understand spiritual things, these masters afflict soul and body and obstruct progress. One of these souls spoke to me about a master who held her bound for eight years and wouldn’t let her go beyond self knowledge; the Lord had already brought her to the prayer of quiet, and so she suffered much tribulation.
15. This path of self knowledge must never be abandoned, nor is there on this journey a soul so much a giant that it has no need to return often to the stage of an infant and a suckling. And this should never be forgotten. Perhaps I shall speak of it more often10 because it is very important. There is no stage of prayer so sublime that it isn’t necessary to return often to the beginning. Along this path of prayer, self knowledge and the thought of one’s sins is the bread with which all palates must be fed no matter how delicate they may be; they cannot be sustained without this bread. It must be eaten within bounds, nonetheless. Once a soul sees that it is now submissive and understands clearly that it has nothing good of itself and is aware both of being ashamed before so great a King and of repaying so little of the great amount it owes Him—what need is there to waste time here? We must go on to other things that the Lord places before us; and there is no reason to leave them aside, for His Majesty knows better than we what is fitting for us to eat.
16. So it is very important that the master have prudence—I mean that he have good judgment—and experience; if besides these he has learning, so much the better. But if one cannot find these three qualifications together, the first two are more important since men with a background in studies can be sought out and consulted when there is need. I say that if these learned men do not practice prayer their learning is of little help to beginners. I do not mean that beginners shouldn’t consult learned men, for I would rather a spirit without prayer than one that has not begun to walk in truth. Also, learning is a great thing because learned men teach and enlighten us who know little; and, when brought before the truths of Sacred Scripture, we do what we ought. May God deliver us from foolish devotions.
17. I want to explain myself further, for I believe I’m getting mixed up in many things. I’ve always had this fault of not knowing how to explain myself, as I have said,11 except at the cost of many words. A nun begins to practice prayer. If a foolish and whimsical person is directing her, he will explain that it is better for her to obey him than her superior. He does this without malice but thinks he is doing right, because if he is not a religious, such advice will seem to be good. And when dealing with matters in the home if the person is a married woman, he will tell her that it is better to remain in prayer even if it displeases her husband. Thus he doesn’t know how to arrange time or things so that they be conformed to truth. Since he lacks the light himself, he doesn’t know how to enlighten others even though he may want to do so. And although it seems that learning is not necessary for such knowledge, my opinion has always been and will be that every Christian strive to speak if possible with someone who has gone through studies; and the more learned the person the better. Those who walk the path of prayer have a greater need for this counsel; and the more spiritual they are, the greater their need.
18. Let not the spiritual person be misled by saying that learned men without prayer are unsuitable for those who practice it. I have consulted many learned men because for some years now, on account of a greater necessity, I have sought them out more; and I’ve always been a friend of men of learning. For though some don’t have experience, they don’t despise the Spirit nor do they ignore it, because in Sacred Scripture, which they study, they always find the truth of the good spirit. I hold that the devil will not deceive with illusions the person of prayer who consults learned men, unless this person wants to be deceived, because the devils have a tremendous fear of that learning which is accompanied by humility and virtue; and they know they will be discovered and go away with a loss.
19. I have said this because there are opinions going around12 that learned men if they are not spiritual are no help to people who practice prayer. I have already said that it is necessary to have a spiritual master; but if he is not a learned man, this lack of learning will be a hindrance. It will be a great help to consult with learned men. If they are virtuous even though they may not experience spiritual things, they will benefit me; and God will enable them to explain what they must teach He will even give them spiritual experience so that they might help us. I do not say this without having experienced it, and it has happened to me with more than two. I say that if individuals are going to submit completely to only one master, they would be greatly mistaken if they did not seek one like this since if he is a religious he must be subject to his superior. For perhaps the master will be lacking all the three qualities13 of a good master, which will be no small cross, especially if the soul is unwilling to submit to one with poor judgment. At least I haven’t been able to submit in this way myself; nor do I think such submission is fitting. But those who belong to the laity, let them praise God that they can choose someone to whom they may be subject and not lose this very virtuous freedom. Let them, however, postpone having a master until a suitable person is found, for the Lord will provide one on the condition that all is founded upon humility and the desire to do the right thing. I praise God greatly, and women and those who haven’t gone through studies must always be infinitely grateful to Him that there be someone who by means of so many labors has attained that truth which ignorant people don’t know.
20. I often marvel thinking about learned men, religious especially, who after the labor it cost them to acquire their knowledge use it to help me for nothing more than my asking them—and that there are persons who don’t want to benefit from this labor! May God never allow this to happen! I see these men subject to the hardships of religious life, which are great, with its penances and bad food, subject to obedience—so that often it puts me to shame, certainly; then together with all this, the lack of sleep; everything a trial, everything a cross. It seems to me it would be a great wrong to lose so much good through one’s own fault. And it may be that some of us who are free of these hardships and receive this knowledge already prepared and served, as they say, and living as we please, think that just because we spend a little more time in prayer, we merit more than those who have undergone so many labors.
21. May You be blessed, Lord, who have made me so unable and unprofitable! But I praise You very much because You awaken so many to awaken us. Our prayer for those who give us light should be unceasing. In the midst of tempests as fierce as those the Church now endures, what would we be without them? If some have gone bad, the good ones shine more brilliantly. May it please the Lord to keep them in His hands and help them so that they might help us, amen.
22. I have wandered greatly from the subject I began to speak about. But everything is a subject for beginners that their journey on so lofty a road might begin on the true road. Now returning to what I was saying about Christ bound at the pillar: it is good to reflect awhile and think about the pains He suffered there, and why, and who He is, and the love with which He suffered them. But one should not always weary oneself in seeking these reflections but just remain there in His presence with the intellect quiet. And if we are able we should occupy ourselves in looking at Christ who is looking at us, and we should speak, and petition, and humble ourselves, and delight in the Lord’s presence, and remember that we are unworthy of being there. When we can do this, even though it may be at the beginning of prayer, we will derive great benefit; and this manner of prayer has many advantages—at least my soul derived them.
I don’t know if I have been successful in speaking about this. Your Reverence will be the judge. May it please the Lord that I succeed in always giving Him pleasure, amen.