Continues on the same subject. Begins to explain the effects this degree of prayer produces in the soul. Strongly urges souls not to turn back, even if they fall again after receiving this favor, and not to give up prayer. Speaks of the harm that results from abandoning prayer. This chapter is very important and most consoling for the weak and for sinners.
THIS PRAYER AND UNION leaves the greatest tenderness in the soul in such a way that it would want to be consumed not from pain but from the joyous tears. It finds itself bathed in them without having felt them or knowing when or how it shed them. But it receives great delight in seeing that the driving force of that fire is quenched by a water that makes the fire increase. This sounds like gibberish, but that’s what happens. It sometimes happened to me in this kind of prayer that I was so taken out of myself that I didn’t know whether I was dreaming or whether the glory I was experiencing was indeed occurring. Seeing myself soaked by the water that came forth so forcefully and quickly and that seemingly poured from that heavenly cloud, I perceived that my experience had not been a dream. This prayer occurred in such a way at the beginning when it passed quickly.
2. The soul becomes so courageous that if at that moment it were cut in pieces for God, it would be greatly consoled. Such prayer is the source of heroic promises, of resolutions, and of ardent desires; it is the beginning of contempt for the world because of a clear perception of the world’s vanity. The soul is much more improved and in a higher state than it was after the previous degrees of prayer. Its humility is deeper because it sees plainly that through no diligence of its own did it receive that very generous and magnificent gift and that it played no role in obtaining or experiencing it. Since there is no hidden cobweb in a room where much sun enters, the soul sees clearly that it is most unworthy; it sees its misery. Vainglory goes off so far that it doesn’t seem possible for the soul to have any. Since there was hardly even any consent there, it now with its own eyes sees it is capable of little or nothing. It seems, though it didn’t desire this, that the door of all the senses was closed to it that it might be better able to enjoy the Lord. It remains alone with Him. What has it to do but love Him? It neither sees nor hears save by much effort. There is not much to thank the soul for. Afterward, with striking truth, its past life and the great mercy of God are shown to it. The intellect doesn’t have to go hunting for this knowledge because it beholds there, all cooked and prepared, what it must eat and understand. It perceives that it merits hell and that yet it is chastised with glory. It consumes itself in the praises of God—and I would want to be consumed now. May You be blessed, my Lord, that from such filthy mud as I, You make water so clear that it can be served at Your table! May You be praised, O Joy of the angels, for having desired to raise up a worm so vile!
3. This progress in virtue remains for some time with the soul. It can now, with clear understanding that the fruits are not its own, begin to distribute them since it has no need of them. It starts to show signs of a soul that guards heavenly treasures and has the desire to share them with others, and it beseeches God that it may not be the only rich one. It begins to be of benefit to its neighbors almost without knowing it or doing anything of itself. They recognize it because now the fragrance of the flowers has reached the point in which it attracts others. The soul understands that it has virtues, and its neighbors see the desirable fruit. They would like to help it eat this fruit. If the soil is well cultivated by trials, persecutions, criticisms, and illnesses—for few there must be who reach this stage without them—and if it is softened by living in great detachment from self-interest, the water soaks it to the extent that it is almost never dry. But if the soil is still hardened in the earth and has a lot of briers, as I did in the beginning, and is still not so removed from occasions and if it doesn’t have the gratitude a favor as great as this deserves, the ground will dry up again. And if the gardener becomes careless and the Lord solely out of His goodness does not desire to let the rains come again, the garden can be considered as lost. So it happened to me sometimes. I am certainly amazed; if it hadn’t befallen me, I’d be unable to believe it. I write this for the consolation of weak souls like myself that they might never despair or fail to trust in the greatness of God. Even though they may fall after elevations like the ones to which the Lord here brings them, they ought not to grow discouraged if they don’t want to become completely lost. For tears gain all things: one water draws down the other.
4. That one ought not to grow discouraged is one of the reasons that encouraged me—being what I am—to obey and write an account of my wretched life and of the favors the Lord granted me without my serving Him but rather offending Him. I should certainly like to have a great deal of authority in this matter so that I might be believed. I beseech the Lord to give it. I say that no one who has begun to practice prayer should become discouraged by saying: “If I return to evil, matters will become worse should I continue the practice of prayer.” I believe matters become worse if one abandons prayer and doesn’t amend one’s evil ways. But if people don’t abandon it, they may believe that prayer will bring them to the harbor of light. The devil carried out a great assault upon me in this matter. Since I was wretched, I spent so long a time in thinking it was a lack of humility to practice prayer that, as I have already said, I abandoned it for a year and a half1 —at least for a year; I don’t remember well about the half. And doing this was no more, nor could it have been, than putting myself right in hell without the need of devils to urge me on. Oh, God help me, what great blindness! And how right the devil is to direct his attacks so that the soul give up prayer! The traitor knows that he has lost the soul that practices prayer perseveringly and that all the falls he helps it to take assist it afterward, through the goodness of God, to make a great leap forward in the Lord’s service. No wonder he’s so concerned!
5. O my Jesus! What a sight it is when You through Your mercy return to offer Your hand and raise up a soul that has fallen in sin after having reached this stage! How such a soul knows the multitude of Your grandeurs and mercies and its own misery! In this state it is in truth consumed and knows Your splendors. Here it doesn’t dare raise its eyes, and here it raises them up so as to know what it owes You. Here it becomes a devotee of the Queen of heaven so that she might appease You; here it invokes the help of the saints that fell after having been called by You.2 Here it seems that everything You give it is undeserved because it sees that it doesn’t merit the ground on which it treads. Here, in approaching the sacraments, it has the living faith to see the power that God has placed in them; it praises You because You have left such a medicine and ointment for our wounds and because this medicine not only covers these wounds but takes them away completely.3 It is amazed by all this. And who, Lord of my soul, wouldn’t be amazed by so much mercy and a favor so large for a betrayal so ugly and abominable? I don’t know why my heart doesn’t break as I write this! For I am a wretched person!
6. With these little tears, given by You, that I shed—water, on my part, from so loathsome a well—it seems I repay You for all my betrayals, in which I always do evil and strive to undo the favors You’ve granted me. Place a value, my Lord, upon these tears. Cleanse this water so foul lest others be tempted to make judgments, as happened to me, when they wonder why, Lord, You abandon some very holy persons who have always served and labored for You, who were brought up religiously and who are truly religious (and not like myself who was a religious only in name), and when they see clearly that You do not grant them the favors you do me. I well perceived, my God, that You keep the reward so as to give it to those holy persons all together and that I need this reward because of my weakness. Now they, like strong men, serve You without these favors; and You deal with them as with a fortified people and not a self-interested one.
7. Nevertheless, You know, my Lord, that I often called out to You to excuse those persons who criticized me because it seemed to me they were more than right. This occurred, Lord, after You kept me, out of your goodness, from offending You so much and when I was turning aside from all that it seemed to me could anger You. When I did this, You began, Lord, to open Your treasures to Your handmaid. It doesn’t seem You were waiting for anything other than the will and readiness in me to receive them since You quickly began not only to give them but to desire that others know You were giving them.
8. Once others knew this, I began to be held in esteem by those who had not yet realized what a wretched person I was however much this evil showed through. Suddenly the criticism and persecution began; but, in my opinion, with every reason. So I didn’t bear ill-will toward anybody, but besought You to observe how right they were. They said I was trying to make myself out to be a saint and was inventing novelties without then even having attained to the full observance of my rule or to the level of the very good and holy nuns there were in the house. (Nor do I myself believe I will ever arrive if God in His goodness doesn’t do everything Himself.) They said that rather it was I who was taking away the good customs and introducing those that were not—at least that I was doing what I could to introduce them and that I was capable of causing a great deal of harm. So without any fault on their part they accused me. I don’t say that only the nuns did this, but there were other persons as well. They revealed truths to me because You permitted this, Lord.
9. Once, in the midst of such persecution, while reciting the Hours, I came to the verse that says: Justus es, Domine, and Your judgments.4 I began to think of what a great truth this was. For the devil never had the power to tempt me to doubt that You, my Lord, possess all good things, or to tempt me in any matter of faith; rather it seemed to me that the more the things of faith go beyond what is natural the stronger the faith—and this thought enkindled great devotion in me. Just believing that You are all powerful was enough for me to receive all the grandeurs that You work, and this power, as I say, I never doubted. Thus, while I was thinking that You justly permit that there be many, as I have mentioned;5 who are very good servants of Yours and yet do not receive these gifts and favors You grant me because of what I am, You answered me, Lord: “Serve me, and don’t bother about such things.” This was the first locution I heard You speak to me, and so I was very frightened.
Since, among other things, I shall afterward explain6 this manner of understanding, I will not speak of it here; it would be off the subject—and I think I’ve already gone far off. I hardly know what I’ve said. It can’t be otherwise, my son; Your Reverence must endure these digressions. When I see what patience God has had with me and see myself in this state, it doesn’t take much to lose the thread of what I’m saying and intend to say. May it please the Lord that my follies be always like these, and may His Majesty no longer allow me to have the power to offend Him the least bit; rather, may I be consumed in this prayer.
10. What I’ve said is enough now for beholding His great mercies, not the one time but the many times He has pardoned so much ingratitude. Saint Peter, You pardoned once when he was ungrateful; me, You pardoned many times.7 With what reason the devil tempted me not to pretend to be a friend with one whom I treated publicly like an enemy. What terrible blindness mine was! Where, my Lord, did I think I could find a remedy save in You? What folly; to flee from the light so as to be always stumbling! Such proud humility the devil invented in me: withdrawing from the column and the staff which were my support against a fall so great! Now I make the sign of the cross with amazement, and it doesn’t seem to me that I underwent any danger as bad as with this invention the devil taught me under the pretext of humility. He put the thought in my head to question how, since I was so wretched and had received so many favors, I could engage in prayer; and the thought that it was enough for me to recite, like everyone else, my obligatory vocal prayers; and the question about how I could pretend to do more since I didn’t even say my vocal prayers well; he suggested that engaging in prayer showed a lack of reverence and little esteem for the favors of God.
It was right to think about and understand these things; but to give up the practice of prayer was the greatest evil. May You be blessed, Lord, who came to my rescue.
11. It seems to me that this was the way the devil began to tempt Judas, except that in my case this traitorous devil did not work so openly; but little by little he did to me what he did to Judas. For the love of God let all those who practice prayer observe this. Let them know that during the time in which I was without prayer my life was much worse. Look at the good remedy the devil gave me and the charming humility—the great disquiet within me. But how could I quiet my soul? It was losing its calm; it remembered favors and gifts; it saw that this world’s pleasures are disgusting. How it was able to go on amazes me. I did so by means of hope because I never thought (insofar as I now recall, for this must have happened twenty-one years ago) I would cease being determined to return to prayer—but I was waiting to be very purified of sin. Oh, how wrong was the direction in which I was going with this hope! The devil would have kept me hoping until judgment day and then have led me into hell.
12. Through the practice of prayer and spiritual reading I knew the truths and the bad road I was following and often entreated the Lord with many tears, but I was so wretched that these were of no avail. Separated from prayer, taken up with many pastimes and placed in many occasions with few aids—and I dare say none, unless they were aids to my falling—what was there to hope for except hell, as I mentioned?
I believe that a Dominican friar,8 a very learned man, is worthy of merit in the sight of God, for he woke me from this sleep if not completely from my evil ways. He made me receive Communion, as I believe I mentioned, every fifteen days. I began to return to my senses, although I didn’t cease offending the Lord. But since I hadn’t lost the way, I advanced on it, even though very gradually, by falling and rising. And the one who doesn’t fail to walk and advance on it shall arrive even though late. I don’t think losing the way means anything else than giving up prayer. May God free us because of who He is!
13. My experience explains—and close attention should be given to it for the love of the Lord—that even though a soul may reach the stage in which God grants it such wonderful favors in prayer, it should not trust in itself; it can fall. Nor should it in any way place itself in the occasions of falling. This should be carefully noted because it is very important. The deception the devil can afterward cause in this matter, even though the favor is certainly from God, is that the traitor profits as much as he can from this same gift. He deceives persons who are not advanced in the virtues, or mortified, or detached. They are not strong enough, as I shall say,9 to enter into the midst of occasions and dangers, no matter how great their desires and resolutions. This doctrine is excellent, and it is not mine, but taught by God. And so I would want ignorant persons, like myself, to know it. Even though a soul may be in this state, it must not trust itself in going out to battle, for it will have a hard time defending itself. Here one needs arms to defend oneself against devils, and persons in this state do not yet have the strength to fight against them and trample them under foot as do those who are in the state I shall afterward speak about.10
14. The devil plays a trick on the soul. Since it sees itself so close to God and perceives the difference there is between heavenly and earthly goods and the love the Lord shows it, it gains confidence from this love and the feeling of security that it will not fall away from what it enjoys. It thinks it clearly sees the reward and that it is no longer possible for it to abandon something that, even in this life, is so delightful and pleasing for anything as foul and base as earthly pleasure. And by means of this confidence the devil takes away its lowly estimation of itself. Believing it has no longer anything to fear from itself, as I say, the soul places itself in dangers and begins with splendid zeal to give away fruit without measure. It doesn’t do this with pride; it well understands that of itself it can do nothing. It does it with great confidence in God, but without discretion since it doesn’t observe that it is still a fledgling. It can leave the nest, and God takes it out; but it is still not ready to fly. The virtues are not yet strong, nor does it have the experience to recognize dangers, nor does it know the harm done by relying upon oneself.
15. This self-reliance was what destroyed me. For this reason and for every reason there is need of a master and for discussions with spiritual persons. I truly believe that God will not fail to favor the soul that reaches this state; nor will He allow it to be lost, unless it completely abandons His Majesty. But when, as I have said,11 it falls, it should be extremely careful for the love of the Lord not to be tricked into giving up prayer, as I was by the devil through false humility—as I have already said12 and would like to say many times. It should trust in the goodness of God, which is greater than all the evils we are capable of. And He doesn’t remember our ingratitude when we, although knowing about it, desire to return to His friendship; nor does He remember the favors He bestowed on us as punishment for these evils. On the contrary, all of this helps us to receive pardon more quickly as members of His household who have eaten, as I say, from His table. Souls should remember His words13 and see what He did with me; before I grew tired of offending Him, His Majesty began to pardon me. He never tires of giving, nor can He exhaust His mercies. Let us not tire of receiving. May He be blessed forever, amen—and may all things praise Him.