Continues on the same topic. Tells how her soul made progress after she began to obey, how little it helped her to resist God’s favors, and how His Majesty began giving her more perfect ones.
MY SOUL WAS LEFT SO DOCILE from this confession that it seemed to me there was nothing for which I wouldn’t prepare myself. As a consequence I began to make many changes, although the confessor didn’t press me; rather it seemed that he thought all the changes of little importance. And this urged me more because he guided my soul by stressing the love of God and allowed freedom and used no pressure if I didn’t set about doing things out of love.
So for almost two months I was trying to resist with all my might the gifts and favors of God. In exterior matters the change was apparent because the Lord already began to grant me the courage to practice some renunciation that in the judgment of persons who knew me and even of some sisters in my own house1 appeared too extreme. When compared with my previous way of life, this renunciation was extreme, and those who thought so were right. But as for my obligation by reason of the habit I wore and my profession, it fell short.
2. In resisting these consolations and favors of God, I gained by learning something from His Majesty. For in the past I had thought that to receive favors in prayer much seclusion was necessary, and I hardly dared to stir. Afterward I saw how little such effort mattered. The more I strove to distract myself, the more the Lord enveloped me in that sweetness and glory, which seemed to surround me so completely that there was no place to escape—and that was true. I was so careful that it pained me. The Lord was more careful in granting me favors and in revealing Himself to me; much more than usual in those two months that I might better understand it was no longer in my power to resist them.
I started again to love the most sacred humanity. Prayer began to take shape as an edifice that now had a foundation; I grew fond of more penance, for I had been negligent on account of the severity of my illnesses. That holy man who heard my confession told me that some things could do me no harm, that perhaps God gave me so much sickness because, since I didn’t do penance, His Majesty desired to give me some. He ordered me to perform some mortifications which were not very pleasing to me. I did everything because it seemed to me the Lord commanded it, and God gave him the ability to command me in such a way that I obeyed him. My soul began so to feel any offense I committed against God, however small, that if I was holding on to some superfluous thing, I could not recollect myself until I gave the thing up. I prayed a great deal that the Lord might keep me in His hands, that since He permitted me to consult with His servants He would not allow me to turn back, for it seemed to me that to turn back would have been a great crime and that they would have lost their reputations on my account.
3. At that time Father Francis2 came to this place. He had been the duke of Gandía, and some years before had given up all and entered the Society of Jesus. My confessor,3 and the gentleman I also mentioned who came to me, arranged that I might speak with him and give him an account of my prayer because I knew that he was advancing in the favors and gifts of God. Since he was one who had abandoned many things for Him, God repaid him even in this life.
Well, after he had heard me, he told me that my experience was from the Spirit of God and that it seemed to him it would no longer be good to resist, but that up to this time it had been all right, and that I should always begin prayer with an event from the Passion, but that if afterward the Lord should carry away the spirit I ought not resist Him but let His Majesty bear it away—and not strive to do so myself. As one who was well advanced he gave the medicine and the counsel, for experience in this matter is very important. He said it would be a mistake to resist any longer.
I was left greatly consoled. The gentleman too was very glad that Father Francis said it was from God, and this gentleman helped me and gave me advice in matters where he could, which were many.
4. At that time they transferred my confessor4 to another place. I felt his transfer very keenly, for I thought I would return to my wretchedness; it didn’t seem to me it would be possible to find another like him. My soul was left as though in a desert, very disconsolate and fearful. I didn’t know what to do with myself. A relative of mine arranged to bring me to her house, and I tried to go immediately so as to get another confessor from among those of the Society. The Lord was pleased that I become friendly with a widow of high nobility5 who practiced prayer and was a very close friend of members of the Society. She made me confess to her own confessor, and I stayed at her house for many days. Her house was nearby, and I was glad to converse a great deal with them; by merely listening to the holiness of their conversation, my soul felt great benefit.
5. This father began6 to lead me to greater perfection. He told me that to please God completely I must leave nothing undone; he did so also with great skill and gentleness because my soul still was not at all strong but very fragile, especially with regard to giving up some friendships I had. Although I was not offending God by them, I was very attached, and it seemed to me it would be ingratitude to abandon them. So I questioned why I should have to be ungrateful since I was not offending God. He told me to commend the matter to God for some days and to recite the hymn Veni Creator so that God might give me light about the better course of action. One day, having spent a long time in prayer and begging the Lord to help me please Him in all things, I began the hymn; while saying it, a rapture came upon me so suddenly that it almost carried me out of myself.7 It was something I could not doubt, because it was very obvious. It was the first time the Lord granted me this favor of rapture. I heard these words: “No longer do I want you to converse with men but with angels.” This experience terrified me because the movement of the soul was powerful and these words were spoken to me deep within the spirit; so it frightened me—although on the other hand I felt great consolation when the fear that, I think, was caused by the novelty of the experience left me.
6. These words have been fulfilled, for I have never again been able to tie myself to any friendship or to find consolation in or bear particular love for any other persons than those I understand love Him and strive to serve Him; nor is it in my power to do so, nor does it matter whether they are friends or relatives. If I’m not aware that the persons seek to love and serve God or to speak about prayer, it is a painful cross for me to deal with them. To the best of my knowledge this is most certainly true.
7. From that day on I was very courageous in abandoning all for God, as one who had wanted from that moment—for it doesn’t seem to me it was otherwise—to change completely. Thus it wasn’t necessary that I be given any more commands. Since my confessor saw me so attached in this matter, he hadn’t dared to say definitely that I should give up such attachments. He had to wait for the Lord to do the work, as He did. Nor did I think that I could succeed in this matter; I had already tried it, and the distress it caused me was so great since the attachments didn’t seem to me to be improper, I abandoned the effort. Now in this rapture the Lord gave me the freedom and strength to perform the task. So I told the confessor and gave up all as he had ordered me. It greatly benefited my confessor to see this determination in me.
8. May God be blessed forever because in an instant He gave me the freedom that I with all the efforts of many years could not attain by myself, often trying so to force myself that my health had to pay dearly. Since it was accomplished by Him who is the powerful and true Lord of all, I felt no pain.