Continues on the same subject. Tells and explains about things that happened to her, which both caused her to lose the fear and confirmed that it was the good spirit speaking to her.
ICONSIDER THIS COURAGE the Lord gave me against the devils one of the great favors He granted me. For that a soul should be intimidated by or fearful of anything other than offending God is a serious disadvantage. Since we have an all-powerful King and so great a Lord that He can do all and that He brings all under His subjection, there is nothing to fear, if one walks, as I said,1 in truth in the presence of His Majesty and with a pure conscience. Hence, as I said, I would desire all fears so as not to offend for an instant Him who in an instant can annihilate us, because it pleases His Majesty that there be no one against us whom He will not put to flight.
One could say that this statement is true, but ask further who this soul is that is so upright it pleases God completely, and conclude that thus the soul should fear. Certainly it’s not my soul, which is very wretched, unprofitable, and filled with a thousand miseries. But God doesn’t carry out His work as people do; He understands our weaknesses. Through extensive conjecturing the soul feels within itself that it truly loves Him; in those who reach this state love isn’t disguised as in the beginning stages, but it operates with such powerful impulses and desires to see God, as I shall say afterward or have already said,2 that everything is tiring, everything wearies, everything torments. If it is not with God or for God, there is no rest that doesn’t weary it; so this love is something very clear and, as I say, doesn’t pass by in disguise.
2. It happened to me at other times that I was suffering great tribulations and criticism, on account of a certain matter I shall speak of afterward, from almost the entire city where I live and from my order,3 and afflicted by the many occasions there were for becoming disturbed, when the Lord said to me: “Why are you afraid? Do you not know that I am all-powerful? I will fulfill what I have promised.” (And it was truly fulfilled later.) I was immediately left with such fortitude that it seemed to me I would again undertake other things, even though they would cost me greater trials, and I would once more take suffering upon myself in order to serve Him. This has happened so many times that I wouldn’t be able to count them. Often His words to me were rebukes—and still are when I commit imperfections. These rebukes are enough to dissolve a soul; at least they bear amendment with them, because His Majesty, as I said;4 gives both the counsel and the cure. At other times the locutions bring my past sins to mind—especially when the Lord wants to grant me some exceptional favor; it seems the soul is already before the true Judge since they represent the truth to it with such clear understanding that it doesn’t know where to hide. At other times the Lord warns me of some dangers I’m in, or of other persons, and about things of the future—three or four years in advance very often—all of which have been fulfilled. Some of these can be pointed out concretely. Thus there are so many reasons for knowing that the words come from God that in my opinion one cannot be ignorant of this.
3. The safest thing, as the Lord told me, is to make known to my confessor the whole state of my soul and the favors God grants me, that he be learned, and that I obey him. The Lord has often told me this. It is what I do, and without doing so I would have no peace; nor would it be good for women to have a feeling of security since we don’t have any learning. Hence there can be no harm but much to gain.
I had a confessor who mortified me very much and was sometimes an affliction and great trial to me because he disturbed me exceedingly, and he was the one who profited me the most as far as I can tell.5 And although I had a great love for him, I had some temptations to leave him because it seemed to me the affliction he caused me hindered my prayer. Every time that I was determined to change, I then heard that I should not do so and a rebuke that grieved me more than the confessor did. Sometimes I grew weary: on the one hand I was questioning and on the other hand being rebuked—all was necessary because my will did not easily bend. The Lord told me once that it wasn’t obedience if I wasn’t resolved to suffer, that I should fix my eyes on what He suffered, and that all would by easy.
4. One time a confessor who heard my confession at the beginning advised me that once the locutions were proven to be from the good spirit I should be silent and not speak about them to anyone, because it would then be better to remain quiet about these things. This didn’t seem wrong to me, because each time I told the confessor about the locutions my feeling of shame was so strong that sometimes I felt it more than when I had serious sins to confess. It seemed to me, especially when the favors were great, that the confessors would not believe me and would make fun of me. I felt this so strongly that I thought telling them about these favors would be disrespectful to the wonders of God, and that for this reason I should remain silent. I then understood that the advice of that confessor was very wrong, that I should in no way remain silent with my confessor, for there would be great security in telling him, and that by not doing this I could sometimes be deceived.
5. As often as the Lord commanded something of me in prayer and my confessor told me to do otherwise, the Lord returned and told me to obey my confessor; afterward His Majesty would change the confessor’s mind, and he would agree with the Lord’s command. When they forbade the reading of many books in the vernacular,6 I felt that prohibition very much because reading some of them was an enjoyment for me, and I could no longer do so since only the Latin editions were allowed. The Lord said to me: “Don’t be sad, for I shall give you a living book.” I was unable to understand why this was said to me, since I had not yet experienced any visions. Afterward, within only a few days, I understood very clearly, because I received so much to think about and such recollection in the presence of what I saw, and the Lord showed so much love for me by teaching me in many ways, that I had very little or almost no need for books. His Majesty had become the true book in which I saw the truths. Blessed be such a book that leaves what must be read and done so impressed that you cannot forget! Who is it that sees the Lord covered with wounds and afflicted with persecutions who will not embrace them, love them, and desire them? Who beholds something of the glory that He gives to those who serve Him who doesn’t know that all one can do and suffer is nothing since we hope for such a reward? Who sees the torments suffered by the damned who doesn’t find the torments of earth to be delights in comparison with them and doesn’t know how much one owes the Lord for having been freed so often from that place?
6. Because with God’s help more will be said about some of these things, I want to get on with the account of my life. May it please the Lord that in what I said I knew how to explain myself. I firmly believe that whoever has had experience will understand and see that I succeeded in saying something; whoever has not had experience—I wouldn’t be surprised if it all seems to be nonsense to such a one. It is enough that I have said this for that person to be excused, nor would I blame anyone who says it is nonsense. May the Lord help me to succeed in doing His will. Amen.