Treats of another way in which the Lord instructs the soul and, without speaking to it, makes His will known in a wonderful manner. Explains also a non-imaginative vision and great favor the Lord granted her. This chapter is very noteworthy.
WELL, TO RETURN TO THE ACCOUNT of my life. I was enduring this difficult affliction, and, as I have said,1 many prayers were being offered up that the Lord might lead me by another safer path since this one, they told me, was so suspect. The truth of the matter is that even though I was beseeching God and however much I wanted to desire another path, it wasn’t in my power to desire it, even though I always prayed for it, because I saw my soul so improved—except sometimes when I was very worn out from the things they told me and the fears they caused. I saw that I was a completely different person. I could not desire another path, but I placed myself in the hands of God that He would carry out His will completely in me; He knew what suited me. I saw that on this road I was being led to heaven, that previously I had been going to hell, and that I should want to follow this road and not believe that it had the devil as cause. Nor was I able to force myself, even though I did all I could, to believe and desire another road; it wasn’t in my power to do so. I offered up what I did, if there was some good deed, for this intention. I invoked my favorite saints that they might free me from the devil. I made novenas. I recommended myself to St. Hilarion and to St. Michael the Archangel, of whom again I became a devotee for this purpose, and I begged many other saints that the Lord might show the truth—I mean that they might obtain this for me from His Majesty.
2. After two years of all these prayers of mine and those of others offered for the said intention (that the Lord would either lead me by another way or make known the truth, for the locutions I mentioned2 that the Lord granted me were experienced very repeatedly), the following happened to me. Being in prayer on the feast day of the glorious St. Peter, I saw or, to put it better, I felt Christ beside me; I saw nothing with my bodily eyes or with my soul, but it seemed to me that Christ was at my side I saw that it was He, in my opinion, who was speaking to me. Since I was completely unaware that there could be a vision like this one, it greatly frightened me in the beginning; I did nothing but weep. However, by speaking one word alone to assure me, the Lord left me feeling as I usually did: quiet, favored, and without any fear. It seemed to me that Jesus Christ was always present at my side; but since this wasn’t an imaginative vision,3 I didn’t see any form. Yet I felt very clearly that He was always present at my right side and that He was the witness of everything I did. At no time in which I was a little recollected, or not greatly distracted, was I able to ignore that He was present at my side.
3. I immediately went very anxiously to my confessor to tell him. He asked me in what form I saw Him. I answered that I didn’t see Him. He asked how I knew that it was Christ. I answered that I didn’t know how, but that I couldn’t help knowing that He was beside me, that I saw and felt Him clearly, that my recollection of soul was greater, and that I was very continuously in the prayer of quiet, that the effects were much different from those I usually experienced, and that it was very clear.
I could do nothing but draw comparisons in order to explain myself. And, indeed, there is no comparison that fits this kind of vision very well. Since this vision is among the most sublime (as I was afterward told by a very holy and spiritual man, whose name is Friar Peter of Alcántara and of whom I shall speak later,4 and by other men of great learning) and the kind in which the devil can interfere the least of all, there are no means by which those of us who know little here below can explain it. Learned men will explain it better. For if I say that I see it with the eyes neither of the body nor of the soul, because it is not an imaginative vision, how do I know and affirm that He is more certainly at my side than if I saw Him? It is incorrect to think that the vision is like that experience of those who are blind or in the dark who don’t see the other at their side. There is some likeness in this comparison but not a great deal, because in such a case these people experience with their senses: either they hear the other person speak or stir, or they touch them. In the vision there is nothing of this, nor do you see darkness; but the vision is represented through knowledge given to the soul that is clearer than sunlight. I don’t mean that you see the sun or brightness, but that a light, without your seeing light, illumines the intellect so that the soul may enjoy such a great good. The vision bears with it wonderful blessings.
4. This vision is not like the presence of God that is often felt, especially by those who experience the prayer of union or quiet, in which it seems that in desiring to begin to practice prayer we find Him to speak to, and it seems we know that He hears us through the effects and spiritual feelings of great love and faith that we tenderly experience, and through other resolutions. This presence is a great favor from God and should be highly esteemed by the one He gives it to, for it is a very sublime prayer, but it is not a vision; in this prayer of union or quiet one understands that God is present by the effects that, as I say, He grants to the soul—that is the way His Majesty wants to give the experience of Himself. In this vision it is seen clearly that Jesus Christ, son of the Virgin, is present. In the prayer of union or quiet some impressions of the Divinity are bestowed; in this vision, along with the impressions, you see that also the most sacred humanity accompanies us and desires to grant us favors.
5. Then the confessor asked me, “Who said it was Jesus Christ?” “He told me many times,” I answered. But before He told me He impressed upon my intellect that it was He, and before doing this latter He told me He was present—but I didn’t see Him. If a person whom I had never seen but only heard of should come to speak to me while I was blind or in the pitch dark and tell me who he was, I would believe it; but I wouldn’t be able to assert as strongly that it was that person as I would if I saw him. In the case of this vision, I would; for, without being seen, it is impressed with such clear knowledge that I don’t think it can be doubted. The Lord desires to be so engraved upon the intellect that this vision can no more be doubted than can what is seen; and even less, because when we see we sometimes suspect we may have fancied what we saw. In this vision, even though a suspicion may at first arise, there remains on the other hand such great certitude that the doubt has no force.
6. Hence, there is also another way in which God teaches the soul and speaks to it, different from the manner of speaking described previously.5 It is a language that belongs so to heaven that here on earth it is poorly understood, no matter how much we may desire to tell about it, if the Lord does not teach us through experience. The Lord puts what He wants the soul to know very deeply within it, and there He makes this known without image or explicit words, but in the manner of this vision we mentioned.6 And this manner in which God gives the soul understanding of His desires and great truths and mysteries is worthy of close attention. Often this is the way I understand when His Majesty explains some vision He wishes to represent to me. It seems to me that for the following reasons7 the devil can interfere least in this experience. If these reasons aren’t good ones, I must be wrong.
7. This kind of vision and language is something so spiritual that there is no restlessness in the faculties or in the senses, in my opinion, by which the devil can deduce anything. Sometimes—briefly—this suspension takes place; but at other times it seems to me that the faculties are not suspended, nor are the senses withdrawn but very much present. This vision and locution doesn’t always come during contemplation; it very seldom does. Yet, when it comes, I say that we neither act nor do anything; all seems to be the work of the Lord. It’s as though the food were already placed in the stomach without our eating it or knowing how it got there. It is clearly known to be there, although the stomach doesn’t know what food it is or who put it there. But in the case of these locutions, the intellect does know, yet it doesn’t know how the locution got there; nothing is seen or understood, nor was the soul ever moved to desire it—nor had I ever been informed that this was possible.
8. In the locution we spoke of previously,8 God makes the intellect become aware—even though it may not wish to do so and understand what is said; in that experience the soul seemingly has other ears with which it hears, and God makes it listen, and it is not distracted. It’s like this: if people have good hearing and don’t block their ears and are spoken to in a loud voice, they hear, even though they may not want to; and, in fact, they do something, since they are attentive in order to understand what is spoken to them.
In the locution we are now speaking of, there is none of the above; even this little thing of only listening, which the soul did in the previous locution, is taken away. It finds everything prepared and eaten. There is nothing more to do than to enjoy, as in the example of someone who without having learned or done any work to know how to read, and without having studied anything, would find that all knowledge was possessed inwardly, without knowing how or where it was gotten since no studying had been done, nor even had the abc’s been learned.
9. This last comparison seems to me to explain something about this heavenly gift, for the soul sees that in an instant it is wise; the mystery of the Blessed Trinity and other sublime things are so explained that there is no theologian with whom it would not dispute in favor of the truth of these grandeurs. It is left full of amazement; one of these favors is enough to change a soul completely, free it from the love of things, and make it love Him who it sees makes it capable, without any effort of its own, of blessings so great, who communicates secrets to it and treats it with such friendship and love that one cannot describe this in writing. He grants some favors that would be suspect, since they are so admirable and granted to someone who has so little merited them. Those who don’t have a very living faith will be unable to believe in them. So I am thinking of speaking but little of the favors the Lord granted me—unless I’m ordered to do otherwise—except for certain visions that can do some good for others; or so that the one to whom the Lord may grant them doesn’t become frightened, as I did, in thinking the experience is impossible; or that I might explain the manner and path by which the Lord led me, which is what they commanded me to write about.
10. Returning then to the discussion of this kind of understanding, it seems to me that the Lord in every way wants this soul to have some knowledge of what goes on in heaven. I think that just as in heaven you understand without speaking (which I certainly never knew until the Lord in His goodness desired that I should see and showed Himself to me in a rapture), so it is in this vision. For God and the soul understand each other only through the desire His Majesty has that it understand Him, without the use of any other means devised to manifest the love these two friends have for each other. It’s like the experience of two persons here on earth who love each other deeply and understand each other well; even without signs, just by a glance, it seems, they understand each other. This must be similar to what happens in the vision; without our knowing how, these two lovers gaze directly at each other, as the Bridegroom says to the Bride in the Song of Songs9 —I think I heard that it is there.
11. O admirable kindness of God, You allow me to gaze upon You with eyes that have so badly gazed as have those of my soul. May they, Lord, become accustomed through this vision not to look at base things, so that nothing outside of You might satisfy them! O ingratitude of mortals! To what extremes will you go? For I know through experience that what I say is true and that what can be said is the least of what You do, Lord, for a soul You bring to such frontiers. O souls that have begun to practice prayer and have true faith, what good things can you still seek in this life—leaving aside what is gained for eternity—that could compare with the least of these favors?
12. Reflect that it is indeed certain that God gives Himself in this way to those who give up all for Him. He shows no partiality;10 He loves everyone. Nobody has any excuse, no matter how miserable they may be, since the Lord so acts with me in bringing me to such a state. Note that what I say is not even a compendium of what could be said. I only say what is necessary to explain this kind of vision and favor the Lord grants the soul. But I can’t describe what is felt when the Lord gives it an understanding of His secrets and grandeurs, the delight that so surpasses all those knowable here on earth; indeed, it rightly makes you abhor the delights of this life, which together are all rubbish. I would find it revolting to have to try to make a comparison between the two delights, even if those of earth were to last forever and those given by the Lord were only a drop of water from the vast overflowing river that is prepared for us.
13. It is a shame, and I certainly am ashamed of myself; if one were able to be embarrassed in heaven, I would be more embarrassed there than anyone! Why must we want so many blessings and delights and so much endless glory all at the cost of the good Jesus? Shall we not at least weep with the daughters of Jerusalem since we do not, with the Cyrenian,11 help Him carry His cross? How can we enjoy along with pleasures and pastimes what He won for us at the cost of so much blood? It’s impossible! And do we think that with vain honors we can imitate Him in the contempt He suffered so that we might reign forever? Such a road leads nowhere; it’s the wrong, wrong road; we will never arrive by it.
Your Reverence ought to cry out these truths since God has taken from me freedom to do so. I should like them to be proclaimed to me always; yet I’ve been so slow myself to hear and understand God, as will be seen in what is written here, that it is very embarrassing to speak about this; as a result I desire to be silent. I shall only say what sometimes comes to mind. May it please the Lord to bring me to the goal that I might enjoy this blessing.
14. What accidental glory and what happiness will be the lot of the blessed when they see that, even though late, nothing possible remained for them to do for God and that in conformity with their strength and state they left nothing undone for Him, and in having more, gave more! How rich they will find that they are, they who have left all riches for Christ! How honored will they be, they who have not sought honor from Him but have enjoyed seeing themselves humbled! How wise will they be, they who rejoiced to be considered mad because that is what Wisdom Himself was called! How few madmen there are now—on account of our sins! Truly it seems that now there are no more of those whom people considered mad for doing the heroic deeds of true lovers of Christ. O world, world, how you go on gaining in honor by having few who know you!
15. But do we think that God is now served more if we are considered wise and discreet! That really must be the reason so much discretion is used. We are quick to believe that not much edification is given if each one doesn’t proceed, according to one’s state, with composure and authority. Even a friar, cleric, or nun would think that to wear something old and patched would be a kind of novelty and would give scandal to the weak; and that even recollection and the practice of prayer would do this. The world has such a mentality and has so forgotten the great perfection and lofty impulses of love the saints experienced that I think this mentality causes more harm and misfortune in these troubled times we live in than the scandals caused by religious when they back up with deeds what they say with words about how little the world should be esteemed; from such scandals the Lord draws forth great blessings. If some are scandalized, others come to their senses. At least there would be offered an image of what Christ and His Apostles suffered since now more than ever such an image is needed.
16. And what a good image of Christ God took from us now in the blessed Friar Peter of Alcántara! The world cannot at this time endure so much perfection. They say that our health is weaker and that these times are not like those of the past. Yet this holy man belonged to the present age. His spirit is large, as in times past; so he trampled the world under foot. Although others may not be detached or perform such harsh penance as he, there are many ways, as I’ve said at other times;12 of trampling on the world; the Lord teaches them when He sees the courage. And what marvelous courage His Majesty gave this great saint of whom I’m speaking in order that he perform such rough penance, as everyone knows, for forty-seven years! I want to say something about this penance, for I know the facts are all true.
17. He told me of it, and also another person13 from whom he hid nothing. (The reason he told me was his love for me, for the Lord desired this so that he would return and encourage me at a time of great need, as I said and will say.)14 I think he told me that for forty years he slept only an hour and a half during the night and that in the beginning this was his greatest penitential trial, to conquer sleep, and that to do this he was always either on his knees or standing. When he did sleep, he did so sitting up, with his head resting on a little log nailed to the wall. He could not have stretched out even if he wanted to, because his cell—as is known—was no larger than four and a half feet. However hot or rainy the weather was in all those years, he never put up his cowl; he wore nothing on his feet, nor did he wear any clothes other than a coarse serge habit with nothing else to cover the body—that was as tight as could be, and a short mantle over it made of the same material. He told me that when it was terribly cold he took the mantle off and left the door and little window of his cell opened so that afterward by putting the mantle on again and closing the door he was able to appease the body by the warmth that came from more covering. Eating every third day was a very common practice for him, and he told me when I showed surprise that it was easily possible for anyone who got used to doing so. One of his companions told me that once Friar Peter went eight days without eating. It must have happened while he was in prayer, for he experienced great raptures and impulses of love of God, of which I was once a witness.
18. His practice of poverty and mortification during his youth was extreme. He told me that he had lived in a house of his order for three years and, because he had never raised his eyes, had not known any of the friars save by their voice, and that he hadn’t known how to get to the places where he had to go, but followed the other friars. This he did on his journeys. He never looked at women for many years. He told me that it no longer made any difference whether he saw or did not see. But he was very old when I came to know him;15 and so extremely weak that it seemed he was made of nothing but tree roots.
Yet with all this sanctity he was very affable, although his words were few unless he was questioned. He was very pleasant in his speech because he had a bright mind. There are many other things I should like to say, but I am afraid Your Reverence will ask why I’m getting into all this—and I’ve written it with this fear. Hence, I will conclude by saying that his ending was like his life, preaching to his friars and admonishing them. When he saw that he was dying, he recited the psalm, Laetatus sum in his quae dicta sunt mihi,16 and casting himself on his knees, he died.
19. Afterward the Lord was pleased that I receive more help from him—through the counsel he gave me about many matters—than I did during his life. I have often seen him in the greatest glory. He told me the first time he appeared to me that the penance that merited such a reward was a blessed penance, and many other things. One year before he died, though being some leagues away from here, he appeared to me; since I knew he was going to die, I told him so. When he died, he appeared to me and told me that he was going to his rest. I didn’t believe it, but did tell some persons; after eight days the news came that he was dead, or, better, that he had begun to live forever.
20. Behold how this harsh life ended with such great glory. I think he consoles me much more than when he was here on earth. The Lord once told me that nothing would be sought in Friar Peter’s name that He would not bestow. Many of the things I’ve recommended to his prayers I’ve seen fulfilled. May the Lord be blessed forever, amen.
21. But what a discourse I’ve got into! May it awaken Your Reverence so that you will not esteem anything pertaining to this life—as though you didn’t know and weren’t already determined to abandon all, and hadn’t already put this renunciation into practice!
I see so much perdition in the world that even though my writing about it brings me no more benefit than to tire me out, I find rest in doing so; for everything I have written is against myself. May the Lord pardon me for my offenses against Him in this matter, and may Your Reverence do so too, for I tire you unintentionally. It appears that I want you to do penance for my sins in this matter.