Deals with some exterior temptations and representations of the devil and the torments he inflicted on her. Treats also of some matters very beneficial for advising persons who journey on the path of perfection.
NOW THAT I’VE MENTIONED some interior, secret temptations and disturbances the devil caused me;1 I want to tell about others he caused almost publicly and in which one could not be mistaken that he was the source.
2. I was once in an oratory, and he appeared to me in an abominable form at my left side. Because he spoke to me, I looked particularly at his mouth—which was frightening. It seemed that a great flame, all bright without shadow, came forth from his body. He told me in a terrifying way that I had really freed myself from his hands but that he would catch me with them again. I was struck with great fear and blessed myself as best I could; he disappeared, but returned right away. This happened to me twice. I didn’t know what to do. There was some holy water there, and I threw it in that direction; he never returned again.
3. Another time I was tormented for five hours with such terrible interior and exterior pains and disturbance that it didn’t seem to me I could suffer them any longer. The sisters who were with me were frightened and didn’t know what to do, nor did I know how to help myself. When bodily pains and sickness become intolerable I have the custom of making interior acts of supplication to the Lord as best I can, that if His Majesty be served by my doing so He might give me patience and I might remain in this state until the end of the world. Well, since I was suffering so severely this time, I was helping myself through these acts and resolutions so as to be able to bear it. The Lord wanted me to understand it was the devil because I saw beside me a black, very abominable little creature, snarling like one in despair that where he had tried to gain he had lost. When I saw him I laughed to myself and was not afraid. There were some sisters there with me who were unable to help nor did they know of any remedy for so much torment; without being able to resist, I was striking myself hard on the body, head, and arms. What was worse was the interior disturbance, for I wasn’t able to feel calm of any sort. I didn’t dare ask for holy water lest I frighten them and they come to understand what the trouble was.
4. I often experience that there is nothing the devils flee from more—without returning—than holy water. They also flee from the cross, but they return. The power of holy water must be great. For me there is a particular and very noticeable consolation my soul experiences upon taking it. Without a doubt my soul feels ordinarily a refreshment I wouldn’t know how to explain, like an interior delight that comforts it entirely. This isn’t some fancy or something that has happened to me only once, but something that has happened often and that I’ve observed carefully. Let us say the relief is like that coming to a person, very hot and thirsty, on drinking a jar of cold water; it seems the refreshment is felt all over. I consider everything ordained by the Church to be important, and I rejoice to see the power of those words recited over the water so that its difference from unblessed water becomes so great.
5. Well, since the torment didn’t stop, I said: “If you wouldn’t laugh, I’d ask for holy water.” They brought it to me and sprinkled some on me, but it didn’t help. I threw some toward where the devil was, and instantly he went away and all the illness left me as if it were taken away by hand, except that I remained weary as though I had been badly beaten with a stick. It did me a lot of good to reflect upon what he will do to the soul he possesses as his own if even when the soul and body don’t belong to him, he causes so much harm—when the Lord permits. It made me again eager to be freed from such dreadful company.
6. Another time, not long ago, the same thing happened to me; although it didn’t last as long, and I was alone. I called for holy water, and those who entered after the devil had already gone (for they were two nuns well worthy of belief, who would by no means tell a lie) smelled a foul stench like that of brimstone. I didn’t smell it. It so lingered that one could notice it.
Another time I was in the choir, and there came upon me a strong impulse toward recollection. I left the choir so that the others wouldn’t notice, although all of them heard the striking of loud blows near the place where I was; I heard some coarse words next to me as though the devils were plotting something, although I didn’t understand what. But I was so absorbed in prayer I didn’t understand anything nor did I have any fear. It happened, almost every time, when the Lord granted me the favor of persuading some soul to advance in perfection.
7. It is certain that what I shall now tell happened to me. (And there are many witnesses to this, especially the one who is now my confessor2 since he saw it written in a letter; without my telling him who the person was to whom the letter belonged, he knew very well who it was.)
A person came to me who had been in mortal sin for two and a half years. It was one of the most abominable I’ve heard of, and in all this time he hadn’t confessed or made amends; and he was saying Mass. Although he was confessing other sins, of this one he asked how he could confess something so ugly. He had a great desire to give it up, but he wasn’t able to help himself. He made me feel great pity, and my seeing that he offended God in such a way caused me deep sorrow. I promised him I would beg God very much to liberate him and that I would get others better than myself to do the same, and I wrote to him through a certain person he told me I could give the letters to. And so it happened that after receiving the first letter he went to confession. For God desired (through the many very holy persons to whose prayers I recommended him) to grant this soul that mercy; and I, although miserable, did what I could with great care. He wrote to me that he was so much better that for days he had not fallen into the sin, but that the torment the temptation gave him was so intense it seemed from what he suffered he was in hell; he asked me to commend him to God. I in turn recommended him to my sisters through whose prayers the Lord must have granted me this favor, for they took the matter very much to heart. No one could guess who the person was. I begged His Majesty to mitigate those torments and temptations and that those devils would come to afflict me, provided that I would not offend the Lord in anything. As a result, for a month I suffered severe torments; it was during this time that these two things I mentioned happened.3
8. The Lord was pleased that they leave him; this he wrote to me, for I told him what I was going through during that month. His soul was fortified, and he was left completely free. He didn’t have enough of thanking God and me—as though I had done anything. But the reputation I had from the fact that the Lord granted me favors benefited him. He said that when he found himself very distressed he read my letters, and the temptation left him. He was very impressed by what I had suffered and how he had been freed. Even I was amazed, and I would have suffered many more years to see that soul free. May the Lord be praised for everything, for the prayer of those who serve Him (as I believe do these sisters in this house)4 can do much. But since I sought these prayers, the devils must have been more angry with me; and the Lord on account of my sins permitted this.
9. Also one night during this time I thought they were choking me; after much holy water had been sprinkled around, I saw a great multitude of them go by, as though they were being thrown down a precipice. There are so many times that these cursed creatures torment me, and so little is the fear I now have of them, seeing that they cannot stir unless the Lord allows them, that I would tire Your Reverence and tire myself if I told about all these instances.
10. May what was said be of help that the true servant of God might pay no attention to the scarecrows the devils set up in order to cause fear. We should know that each time we pay no attention to them they are weakened, and the soul gains much more mastery. Some great benefit always remains, which I won’t go into so as not to enlarge. I shall only mention what happened to me on the night of All Souls: while I was in the oratory after having recited a nocturne and while saying some very devotional prayers that come at the end, a devil appeared on the book so that I couldn’t finish the prayer. I blessed myself, and he went away. When I began again to recite the prayers, he returned. I believe it was three times I began, and until I threw holy water at him I couldn’t finish. I saw that some souls left purgatory at that instant; little must have been lacking to their freedom, and I wondered if he had aimed at preventing this.
A few times I’ve seen him in physical form, but many times with no physical form—as for instance in the vision mentioned above5 in which without seeing any form one knows he is there.
11. I also want to tell the following because it frightened me a lot: one day on the feast of the Trinity, being in the choir of a certain monastery and in rapture, I saw a great battle of devils against angels. I couldn’t understand what that vision meant. In less than fifteen days it became easily understandable on account of a certain conflict that arose between people of prayer and many who were not, and a lot of harm was done in the house in which it took place. It was a battle that lasted a long time and caused much disquiet.
At other times I saw a large multitude of devils around me, and it seemed that a great brightness encircled me, and this prevented them from reaching me. I understood that God was watching over me so that they could not get to me in order to make me offend Him. From what I sometimes saw in myself, I understood that it was a true vision. The fact is that now I have understood so well the little bit of power he has, provided I’m not against God, that I have almost no fear. The powers of devils are nothing if these devils do not find souls cowardly and surrendered to them; it is with such souls that they show their power. Sometimes, in the temptations I already mentioned,6 it seemed to me that all the vanities and weaknesses of the past were again awakening within me; I had really to commend myself to God. At once the torment came of thinking that since those thoughts arose in me the favors I experienced must all be from the devil. It seemed to me that there shouldn’t have been even the first stirrings of a bad thought in one who was receiving so many favors from the Lord. But then my confessor put me at peace.
12. At other times I was severely tormented—and even now I’m tormented by it—upon seeing that I was esteemed, especially by eminent persons, and that they spoke very well of me. From this esteem I’ve suffered and do suffer a great deal. I then look at the life of Christ and of the saints, and it seems to me I’m going in the opposite direction since they didn’t advance except through contempt and insults. It makes me walk in fear and as one who doesn’t dare raise her head or want to be seen. This I don’t do when I’m experiencing persecutions; then the soul walks with head held high, although the body feels them and, from another perspective, I am afflicted; but I don’t know how this can be. Yet so it happens, for it then seems that the soul is in its kingdom and puts everything under its feet.
Sometimes I experienced the following temptation, which lasted for many days; it seemed to be virtue and humility on the one hand, but now I see plainly it was a temptation (a Dominican friar, a very learned man,7 explained it to me clearly): when I thought these favors the Lord grants me would become known publicly, the torment was so excessive that my soul was deeply disturbed. The disturbance reached the point that, in reflecting upon it, it seemed to me I was more willing to be buried alive than have these favors made known publicly. So when these experiences of recollection or rapture began, which I couldn’t resist even in public, I was left so ashamed afterward that I didn’t want to be where anyone would see me.
13. Once when I was very worried about this, the Lord asked me why I feared since only two things could happen from it; they would either criticize me or praise Him. And He explained that those who believed in the experience would praise Him and that those who did not would condemn me, without fault; that either outcome would be advantageous to me, and that I shouldn’t be anxious. This calmed me a great deal and consoles me when I recall it. The temptation reached the point that I wanted to leave that place and transfer my dowry to another monastery much more enclosed than the one I lived in, for I had heard it praised highly. It also belongs to my order;8 and it was very far from here, which is what would have consoled me: to be some place where they wouldn’t know me. But my confessor never allowed me to leave.
14. These fears took away to a great extent my freedom of spirit; afterward I came to understand that they didn’t come from genuine humility, since they disturbed me so much. And the Lord taught me this truth: that I should be determined and certain that His favor was not some good thing belonging to me but that it belonged to God; that just as I wasn’t sorry to hear other persons praised (rather I was very happy and consoled to see that God revealed Himself in them), I should neither be sorry that His works be shown in me.
15. I also went to another extreme. I begged God—and I had a special prayer—that, when it appeared to others there was some good in me, His Majesty would make known to them my sins so that they might see how these favors were bestowed without any merit on my part. I always desire a great deal that my lack of merit be known. My confessor advised against this special prayer. But until very recently, if I saw that a person thought highly of me, in roundabout ways, or as I could, I got them to know of my sins; in this way it seems I found relief. My confessor also disapproved of this latter way of acting and made me scrupulous about it.
16. Such feelings derived, in my opinion, not from humility but from a temptation. It seemed to me I was deceiving everyone. And although it is true that they were being deceived in thinking there was some good in me, it was not my desire to deceive them, nor did I ever have such an aim; but the Lord permits such things for some reason. So even with my confessors, if I saw it wasn’t necessary I didn’t discuss anything, for doing so would have made me very scrupulous.
I understand now that all these little fears and pains and this appearance of humility came from serious imperfection and from not being mortified. For a soul surrendered into God’s hands doesn’t care whether they say good or evil about it. It thoroughly understands—since the Lord desires to grant it the favor of understanding this—that of itself it has nothing. Let it trust in Him who bestows the favor, for He will know why He makes the favor known; and let it be prepared for persecution, which in these our times will certainly come whenever the Lord desires that it be known He grants these kinds of favors to a certain person. There are a thousand eyes ready to turn on a soul receiving such favors, but on a thousand souls of another kind there’s not even one eye ready to turn.
17. Truthfully, there is no small reason for fear, but this must have been my own fear—not humility but pusillanimity. A soul that God permits to advance in this way before the eyes of the world can well prepare itself for martyrdom at the hands of this world; because if it doesn’t want to die to the world, the world will itself put it to death. I really don’t see anything in the world that pleases me other than its intolerance of faults in the good, forcing them to be perfect through its criticisms. If someone is not perfect, I say that more courage is necessary to follow the path to perfection than to suffer a quick martyrdom. For perfection is not attained quickly, unless the Lord wants to grant someone this favor by a special privilege. Seeing the soul begin, the world wants it to be perfect, and at a thousand leagues distance it thinks something is a fault which perhaps is a virtue; the one who condemns the action uses that same action as a vice, and thereby judges others. These souls must not have the means to eat or sleep or even, as they say, to breathe; and the more they are esteemed the more they must forget they are still in the body, no matter how perfect the soul is. They still live on earth subject to their miseries, however much they may have trampled them under foot. So, as I say, great courage is necessary because the poor soul has not begun to walk, and they want it to be flying; it still hasn’t conquered its passions, and they want it to be as strong in great occasions of sin as they read the saints were after being confirmed in grace.
What it undergoes in this situation is something to praise the Lord for, and it also excites the heart to great pity; for many souls turn back since the poor things don’t know how to help themselves. And I believe mine would have turned back, if the Lord hadn’t so mercifully done everything; for Your Reverence will see that there was no other ability in me than to fall and rise.
18. I’d like to know how to speak of this condition because I believe many souls who want to fly before God gives them wings are deceived in this matter. (I believe I have already used this comparison,9 but it applies well here.) I’ll discuss this because I see some souls very afflicted for this reason. Since they are beginning with great desires, fervor, and determination to make progress in virtue—and some for His sake abandon everything as far as externals are concerned—and since in other persons who have grown much more in perfection they see highly virtuous actions granted by the Lord, and unobtainable by ourselves, and see in all the books written on prayer and contemplation the things we must do in order to mount up to this dignity, and since they cannot immediately bring this about in themselves, they become dejected. These virtuous actions would be, for example: not caring at all if others speak badly of us but rather being happier than when they speak well; little esteem for honor; a detachment from relatives so that if these relatives don’t practice prayer one wouldn’t desire to speak with them but would rather grow tired of doing so; and many other things of this kind which in my opinion God must give these souls. For I think these virtues are already supernatural goods, or against our natural inclination. Let not these souls become anxious, let them hope in the Lord; through their prayer and their doing what they can, His Majesty will bring it about that what they now have in desires they shall possess in deed. It is very necessary for this weak nature of ours to have great confidence and not grow faint-hearted or start thinking that even if we make efforts we shall still fail to gain the victory.
19. And since I have a lot of experience of this, I shall say something for the sake of informing Your Reverence.10 Don’t think, even though it may seem so to you, that virtue has already been gained if it hasn’t been tried by its contrary. We must always be mistrustful of ourselves and never grow negligent as long as we live. For many things immediately cling to us if, as I say, the grace to know what everything is, is not yet given to us completely; in this life there is never anything that hasn’t many dangers. It seemed to me a few years ago not only that I was detached from my relatives but that they bored me; so I felt certain that I couldn’t bear their conversation. A very important business matter came about and I had to stay with my sister whom I previously loved very much.11 But in conversation with her, even though she is better than I, I didn’t feel any affinity. Since, being married, she is in a different state of life, the conversation couldn’t always be what I’d have wanted, and as much as possible I remained alone. Yet I saw that her troubles grieved and worried me more than would those of a neighbor. In the end, I understood I wasn’t as free as I thought and that I still had to flee the occasion so that this virtue that the Lord had begun to give would grow; thus with His favor I strove to do so ever after this.
20. When the Lord begins to give a virtue, it should be highly esteemed; and we should in no way place ourselves in the danger of losing it. This is true in matters concerning our honor and in many others. Your Reverence should believe that not all those of us who think we are detached, are in fact; it is necessary not to grow careless in this matter. Let any person who wants to advance and yet feels concerned about some point of honor believe me and strive to overcome this attachment, which is like a chain that cannot be broken by any file but only by God through our prayer and earnest cooperation. It seems to me that such attachment is a shackle on this road—I am astonished at the harm it does.
I see some persons holy in their works, who perform such mighty ones that the people marvel. May God help me! Why is this soul still on earth? Why isn’t it at the summit of perfection? What is this? Who detains the one who has done so much for God? Oh, what does a point of honor have...! And the worst that it has is that it doesn’t have anyone to understand what it has. The reason is that the devil sometimes makes the soul think it is obliged to receive honor.
21. Well, let them believe me (believe for the love of the Lord this little ant, for He wants it to speak); if they don’t remove this caterpillar, even though it doesn’t damage the tree completely, since some other virtues will remain, all the virtues will be wormeaten. The tree isn’t a beautiful one, nor does it flourish, nor does it even allow the others that are near it to flourish. The fruit of good example that it gives is not healthy; it will last only a short while. I often say that however small the point of honor may be, the concern for it is like that of sound coming from an organ when the timing or measure is off; all the music becomes dissonant. This concern is something that does damage to the soul in all areas, but in this path of prayer it is a pestilence.
22. We are striving to be joined with God through union, and we seek to follow His counsels coming from Christ, who was weighed down by injuries and testimonies against Him, and we desire our honor and credit to remain intact? It’s not possible to reach this union, for we aren’t taking the same road. The Lord comes to the soul if we make the effort and strive to give up our rights in many matters. Some will say: “I have no occasion to practice this detachment from my rights, nor does any come along.” I believe that the Lord will not want anyone with the determination to practice this detachment to lose so much good. His Majesty will ordain so many things by which the soul can gain this virtue that it will not want so many. All hands to the task!
23. I want to mention the trivial and insignificant things I did when I began—or some of them: little straws I mentioned12 that I put on the fire, for I’m not capable of anything more. The Lord receives all; may He be blessed forever.
Among my faults I had this one: Because of pure negligence and involvement in other vanities, I knew little about the Office in choir and what had to be done there; but I saw other novices who could teach me. It occurred to me not to ask them so that they wouldn’t find out that I knew so little, and I wouldn’t thereby give them bad example. Such an attitude is very common. But once God opened my eyes a little, even though I knew, when there was the smallest doubt, I asked the youngest religious. I lost neither honor nor credit; rather the Lord, in my opinion, gave me a better memory afterward.
I didn’t know how to sing well. I was so worried when I hadn’t studied what they had entrusted to me (not because I wanted to avoid committing a fault before the Lord, since being bothered about that would have been virtuous, but because of the many that were listening to me), that just out of a sheer cult of honor I was so disturbed that I said much less than I knew. I afterward took it upon myself, when I didn’t know the assignment very well, simply to say so. I felt this very much in the beginning, but afterward I enjoyed it. And it happened that when I began not to care if they learned I didn’t know that I recited much better, and in the effort to get rid of the accursed honor, I came to know how to do what I considered an honor, which, incidentally, each one understands in his own way.
24. By means of these trifles, which are nothing—and a complete nothing am I, since this pained me—little by little one makes progress in deeds. And His Majesty gives value to little things like these that are done for Him, and He gives the help for doing greater things. So, with respect to humility it occurred to me, upon seeing that all were advancing except myself—for I was never good for anything—to gather up all their mantles when they left the choir. It seemed to me I was serving those angels that were praising God there. I did this until—I don’t know how—they came to know about it. This caused me no little embarrassment because my virtue hadn’t reached the point of desiring that they know these things; and this wasn’t out of humility but lest they laugh at me, since these things were such trifles.
25. O my Lord! What a shame it is to see so much wickedness and to tell about some grains of sand, which even then I didn’t lift from the ground for Your service, since everything I did was enveloped in a thousand miseries! The waters of Your grace didn’t flow yet under these grains of sand in order to raise them up. O my Creator! Who could find among so many evils something of substance to relate, since I am telling about the great favors I’ve received from You! So it is, my Lord, that I don’t know how my heart can bear it or how anyone who reads this can fail to abhor me in observing that such marvelous favors were so poorly repaid and that I have no shame, in the end, to recount these services as my own. Yes, I am ashamed, my Lord; but having nothing else to tell about the part I played makes me speak of such lowly beginnings so that anyone who did great things in the beginning may have hope; since it seems the Lord has taken my early actions into account, He will do so more with theirs. May it please His Majesty to give me grace so that I might not always remain at the beginning, amen.