Discusses how the Lord desired to put her spirit in a place in hell she had deserved because of her sins. Gives a brief account of what was shown her there. Begins to deal with the way in which the monastery of St. Joseph, where she now is, was founded.
A LONG TIME AFTER THE LORD had already granted me many of the favors I’ve mentioned1 and other very lofty ones, while I was in prayer one day, I suddenly found that, without knowing how, I had seemingly been put in hell. I understood that the Lord wanted me to see the place the devils had prepared there for me and which I merited because of my sins. This experience took place within the shortest space of time, but even were I to live for many years I think it would be impossible for me to forget it. The entrance it seems to me was similar to a very long and narrow alleyway, like an oven, low and dark and confined; the floor seemed to me to consist of dirty, muddy water emitting a foul stench and swarming with putrid vermin. At the end of the alleyway a hole that looked like a small cupboard was hollowed out in the wall; there I found I was placed in a cramped condition. All of this was delightful to see in comparison with what I felt there. What I have described can hardly be exaggerated.
2. What I felt, it seems to me, cannot even begin to be exaggerated; nor can it be understood. I experienced a fire in the soul that I don’t know how I could describe. The bodily pains were so unbearable that though I had suffered excruciating ones in this life and according to what doctors say, the worst that can be suffered on earth (for all my nerves were shrunken when I was paralyzed,2 plus many other sufferings of many kinds that I endured, and even some, as I said,3 caused by the devil), these were all nothing in comparison with the ones I experienced there. I saw furthermore that they would go on without end and without ever ceasing. This, however, was nothing next to the soul’s agonizing: a constriction, a suffocation, an affliction so keenly felt and with such a despairing and tormenting unhappiness that I don’t know how to word it strongly enough. To say the experience is as though the soul were continually being wrested from the body would be insufficient, for it would make you think somebody else is taking away the life, whereas here it is the soul itself that tears itself in pieces. The fact is that I don’t know how to give a sufficiently powerful description of that interior fire and that despair, coming in addition to such extreme torments and pains. I didn’t see who inflicted them on me, but, as it seemed to me, I felt myself burning and crumbling; and I repeat the worst was that interior fire and despair.
3. Being in such an unwholesome place, so unable to hope for any consolation, I found it impossible either to sit down or to lie down, nor was there any room, even though they put me in this kind of hole made in the wall. Those walls, which were terrifying to see, closed in on themselves and suffocated everything. There was no light, but all was enveloped in the blackest darkness. I don’t understand how this could be, that everything painful to see was visible.
The Lord didn’t want me to see any more of hell at that time. Afterward I saw another vision of frightful things, the punishment of some vices. With respect to the sight they seemed much more frightening, but since I didn’t feel the pain, they didn’t cause me so much fear. For in the former vision the Lord wanted me actually to feel those spiritual torments and afflictions, as though the body were suffering. I don’t know how such an experience was possible, but I well understood that it was a great favor and that the Lord desired me to see with my own eyes the place His mercy had freed me from. It amounts to nothing to hear these pains spoken of, nor have I at other times thought about different torments (although not many, since my soul did not fare well with such fearful thoughts; that is, that devils tear off the flesh with pincers, or other various tortures I’ve read about) that are anything in comparison to this pain; it is something different. In sum, as a resemblance to the reality, being burned here on earth is very little when compared to being burned by the fire that is there.
4. I was left terrified, and still am now in writing about this almost six years later, and it seems to me that on account of the fear my natural heat fails me right here and now. Thus I recall no time of trial or suffering in which it doesn’t seem to me that everything that can be suffered here on earth is nothing; so I think in a way we complain without reason. Hence I repeat that this experience was one of the greatest favors the Lord granted me because it helped me very much to lose fear of the tribulations and contradictions of this life as well as to grow strong enough to suffer them and give thanks to the Lord who freed me, as it now appears to me, from such everlasting and terrible evils.
5. Since that time, as I say, everything seems to me easy when compared to undergoing for a moment what I suffered there in hell. I marvel how after having often read books in which the pains of hell were somewhat explained I didn’t fear them or take them for what they were. Where was I? How could I find relaxation in anything when I was causing myself to go to such an evil place? May You be blessed, my God, forever! How obvious it is that You loved me much more than I did myself. How many times, my Lord, have You freed me from so dark a prison, and how often have I put myself in it again against Your will!
6. From this experience also flow the great impulses to help souls and the extraordinary pain that is caused me by the many that are condemned (especially the Lutherans, for they were through baptism members of the Church). It seems certain to me that in order to free one alone from such appalling torments I would suffer many deaths very willingly. I notice that if we see a person, whom in a special way we love here below, with a great trial or suffering, it seems that our own very nature invites us to compassion; and if their trial is great, we ourselves become distressed. Well, who is there who can suffer seeing a soul in the supreme trial of trials that has no end? No heart can bear it without great pain. For if here on earth in knowing that finally life will end and that it has its limit, we are still moved to so much compassion, I don’t know how we can rest in regard to the other endless life when we see how the devil brings so many souls each day with himself to hell.
7. This awareness also makes me desire that in a matter so important we don’t grow satisfied with anything less than doing all we can on our part; let us neglect nothing, and may it please the Lord that He be served by giving us the grace to do all we can. I sometimes reflect that even though I was terribly wicked, I had some concern about serving God, that I didn’t do certain things I see are done in the world as if they amount to nothing, and, finally, that I suffered great illnesses and with a lot of patience, which the Lord gave me, yet wasn’t inclined to criticize or speak evil of anyone—nor does it seem to me I could have wished evil on anyone. Neither was I covetous, nor do I ever recall being envious in such way that it would have been a grave offense against the Lord; and there are some other things—for even though I was so wretched, I usually had the fear of God. Yet, in spite of all this, I see the place the devils had already prepared for me. Indeed, on account of my faults, it seems to me I still merited greater punishment. But, nonetheless, I say that it was a terrible torment and that it is a dangerous thing to be satisfied with ourselves, nor should the soul that falls at every step into mortal sin be at rest or content. But for the love of God we should avoid the occasions; the Lord will help us, as He did me. May it please His Majesty not to let me out of His hand lest I fall again, for I have already seen where I would end up. May the Lord not allow it because of who His Majesty is, amen.
8. After having seen this and other things and secrets that the Lord, because of who He is, desired to show me about the glory He will give to the good and the suffering that will go to the evil, I was anxious to know the manner and way in which I could do penance for so much evil and merit something in order to gain so much good. I was desiring to flee people and withdraw completely from the world. My spirit was not at rest, yet the disquiet was not a disturbing but a delightful one. It was obvious that it was from God and that His Majesty had given the soul heat so as to digest other heavier foods than those it was eating.
9. I was thinking about what I could do for God, and I thought that the first thing was to follow the call to the religious life, which His Majesty had given me, by keeping my rule as perfectly as I could. Even though there were many servants of God in the house where I was, and He was very well served in it, the nuns because of great necessity often went out to places where they could stay—with the decorum proper to religious. Also, the rule was not kept in its prime rigor, but was observed the way it was in the whole order, that is, according to the bull of mitigation.4 There were also other disadvantages; it seemed to me the monastery had a lot of comfort since it was a large and pleasant one. But this disadvantage of going out, even though I was one who did so a great deal, was now a serious one for me because some persons to whom the superiors couldn’t say “no” liked to have me in their company; and when urged, the superiors ordered me to go. So, by reason of their commands I wasn’t able to remain in the monastery much. The devil must have helped partly to keep me from staying home; for since I was sharing with some of the nuns what those with whom I was consulting were teaching me, much good was being done.
10. It happened once while I was with someone that she mentioned to me and to the others in the group that if we couldn’t be nuns like the discalced, it would still be possible to found a monastery.5 Since I was having these desires, I began to discuss the matter with that lady companion of mine,6 the widow I mentioned, who had the same desires. She began to draw up plans to provide the new house with income. Now I see that there was little chance these plans would succeed, but our desire made us think they would. Yet since, on the other hand, I was so perfectly content in the house in which I was7 because it was very much to my liking and the cell in which I lived was just what I wanted, I was still delaying. Nevertheless, we agreed to pray fervently to God over the matter.
11. One day after Communion, His Majesty earnestly commanded me to strive for this new monastery with all my powers, and He made great promises that it would be founded and that He would be highly served in it. He said it should be called St. Joseph and that this saint would keep watch over us at one door, and our Lady at the other, that Christ would remain with us, and that it would be a star shining with great splendor. He said that even though religious orders were mitigated one shouldn’t think He was little served in them; He asked what would become of the world if it were not for religious and said that I should tell my confessor8 what He commanded, that He was asking him not to go against this or hinder me from doing it.
12. This vision had such great effects, and this locution the Lord granted was of such a nature, that I couldn’t doubt it was from God. I felt the severest pain because on the one hand the terrible disturbances and trials the new monastery would cost me were partly represented to me, and on the other hand I was very happy in my own monastery. Although I had been discussing it before, I hadn’t done so with as much determination or certitude as was necessary to bring it about. These words seemed to compel me, and since I saw I would be starting something that would disturb my calm, I was doubtful about what to do. But often the Lord returned to speak to me about this new monastery, presenting me with so many clear reasons and arguments that I saw it was His will, and I could no longer help but tell my confessor. I told him in writing all that happened.9
13. He didn’t dare tell me definitely to forget about the new monastery; but he was aware that it wasn’t feasible from the viewpoint of natural reason since my companion who was the one who would have had to provide for the foundation had little or almost no possible means for it. He told me to discuss it with my superior and to do what the superior advised. I didn’t discuss these visions with the superior, but that lady who wanted to found this monastery spoke with him. The provincial10 assented very readily, for he is fond of all religious life, and he gave all the necessary support and told her that he would accept that house under his jurisdiction. They discussed the income it would have to have, and for many reasons we never desired that it would have more than thirteen nuns.11
Before we began to discuss it, we wrote to the holy friar Peter of Alcántara about everything that was happening. He counseled us not to fail to make the foundation, and he gave us his opinion about it all.
14. Hardly had the knowledge of it begun to spread throughout the city when the great persecution that cannot be briefly described came upon us: gossip, derision, saying that it was foolishness. As for me, they said I was well off in my own monastery; with regard to my companion, there was so much persecution that she became very upset. I didn’t know what to do; it seemed to me they were partly right. While thus very wearied and recommending myself to God, His Majesty began to console and encourage me. He told me that in this I would see what the saints who had founded religious orders had suffered, that I would have to suffer much more persecution than I could imagine, and that we shouldn’t let it bother us. He told me some things to tell my companion, and, what I marveled at most, we were immediately consoled about what happened and were left with the courage to withstand all. Indeed, among people of prayer and, in fact, throughout the whole city there was hardly a person who was not then against us; the project seemed to almost everyone to be a lot of nonsense.
15. There was so much talk and such an outcry in my own monastery that the provincial thought it would be imprudent to go against all; so he changed his mind and didn’t want to accept the foundation under his jurisdiction. He said the income was not secure, that it was small, and that there was strong opposition; and, all things considered, it seems he was right. Finally, he abandoned the project and refused to accept it. For us who, it seemed, had already received the first blows, the refusal was most painful; especially in my case, it was painful to see the provincial opposed to it; had he accepted it, I’d have been excused by all. As for my companion, they didn’t want to give her absolution unless she gave up the idea, because they said she was obliged to remove the scandal.
16. She went to a most learned man, a very great servant of God of the order of St. Dominic, to tell him about it and give him an account of everything.12 She did this even before the provincial had withdrawn his permission, for in the entire place there was no one who wanted to give us an opinion; and thus it was said to be just one of our own whims. This lady told the holy man about everything and of the income she had from her estate. She had a strong desire that he would help us because he was the most learned man in the city at that time and there were few in his order more learned than he. I told him all we were thinking of doing and some of the reasons. I didn’t say anything about any revelation but mentioned only the natural reasons that urged me, for I didn’t want him to give any opinion other than one in reply to these reasons. He told us to give him a period of eight days to answer and asked if we were determined to do what he would tell us. I told him we were. But even though I told him this and it seems to me I would have done so (although at that time I didn’t see any other way of going forward with the project), never did the assurance leave me that the foundation would be made. My companion had more faith; she never for anything they said to her decided to abandon it.
17. Yet, as I say, I thought it would be impossible to give up the project. I believed that since it didn’t go against Sacred Scripture or against the laws of the Church, which we are obliged to keep, the revelation was true. Although the undertaking really seemed to me to be from God, if that learned man had told me we couldn’t do it without offending God and that we were doing something against the demands of a good conscience, I think I would have immediately given it up or sought another means. But the Lord didn’t give me any other than this one.
This servant of God told me afterward that he had taken it upon himself and was fully determined to insist that we give up the foundation, for he had already heard news about the public outcry; also it seemed to him as it did to everyone to be foolish. And he went on that when a certain gentleman had learned we had gone to him, that gentleman informed him to be careful and not help us. But then when he began to consider how he would answer us and to think about the matter and our intention and our plan of religious life, he felt assured it would be very much in the service of God and that we shouldn’t fail to go ahead with it. So he answered us that we should hurry to bring the project to a conclusion, and he mentioned the manner and way in which it should be done. He said that although the estate was small, one had to trust in God about something, that anyone who would oppose the plan should come to him and that he would answer; in this way he always helped us, as I shall say afterward.13
18. We were very consoled by his reply. On account of his help some holy persons who were usually opposed to us were more satisfied; and some helped us. Among them was the holy gentleman14 whom I already mentioned, who because he really was holy and it seemed to him that our plan bore promise of great perfection, since our whole basis for wanting to carry it out was prayer—although the means seemed to him very difficult and impractical—he gave his opinion that it could be something from God. It seemed the Lord Himself moved him to this. And the Lord did the same to the Master, who is the cleric,15 the servant of God I mentioned I had spoken to before, and who is an example to the entire city. He is a person whom God keeps there as a help and advantage for many souls, and now he agreed to help me in the project. Being at this juncture, always having the help of many prayers, and having already bought the house in a good section, I didn’t worry about it being small. The Lord had told me to get started as best I could, that afterward I would see what His Majesty would do.16 And how well I have seen it! Thus, though I knew the income was small, I believed the Lord would help us and arrange things through other means.