Continues on the same subject, about the foundation dedicated to the glorious St. Joseph. Tells how she was ordered not to become involved with the project, of the time she abandoned it, of some trials she had, and of how the Lord consoled her.
NOW THEN, WHEN THE BUSINESS matters had reached this state and were at such a point that in another day the deeds were to be drawn up and the matter concluded, our Father Provincial changed his mind.1 I believe this was providential, as it appeared to be afterward. Since the prayers were so many, the Lord was perfecting the work and ordaining that it be done in another way. Because my provincial didn’t want to receive the house under his jurisdiction, my confessor2 ordered me not to be involved with the foundation any more although the Lord knows the great trials and afflictions it had cost me to bring the project to that state. Even though my provincial had ordered me to do what I had done thus far, the conviction became greater that it was all the foolishness of women and the criticism of me increased—when the endeavor was abandoned in this way.
2. I was very much disliked throughout my monastery3 because I had wanted to found a more enclosed monastery. They said I was insulting them; that in my own monastery I could also serve God since there were others in it better than I; that I had no love for the house; that it would be better to procure income for this place than for some other. Several of them said I should be thrown into the prison cell;4 others—very few defended me somewhat. I saw clearly that in many matters my opponents were right, and sometimes I gave them explanations. Yet since I couldn’t mention the main factor, which was that the Lord had commanded me to do this, I didn’t know how to act; so I remained silent about the other things. God granted me the very great favor that none of all this disturbed me; rather, I gave up the plan with as much ease and contentment as I would have if it hadn’t cost me anything. No one could believe this, not even the very persons of prayer who knew me. They thought I was very afflicted and ashamed; even my own confessor couldn’t believe it. As for myself, since it seemed to me I had done everything I could, I thought I wasn’t obliged to do what the Lord had commanded me; and I remained in the house, for I was very satisfied and pleased there. Although I could never stop believing that the foundation would come about, I no longer saw the means, nor did I know how or when; but I was very certain that it would.
3. What caused me great anguish was something my confessor once wrote to me. It was as though I had done something against his will. (The Lord also must have desired that in that area which would be most painful to me I wouldn’t be lacking a trial.) So in the midst of this multitude of persecutions, when I thought comfort would be coming from him, he wrote me that I should now be able to see from what had happened that the project had been all a dream, that I should make amends from then on by not desiring to go out for anything or to speak any more about it, since I had seen the scandal that had occurred; and he mentioned other things, all of them giving me pain. What he said grieved me more than everything else put together, since it seemed to me that if I had been an occasion or had been at fault for some offense against God, and that if these visions had been an illusion, all the prayer I had experienced was self-deception, and that I was being misled and going astray. This made me so extremely distressed I was thrown into complete confusion and severely afflicted. But the Lord, who never failed me, who in all these trials I enumerated often consoled and fortified me—there is no reason to mention it all specifically here—then told me not to be anxious; that I had served God a great deal and had not offended Him in that project; that I should do what my confessor ordered me to do by being silent for the present, until it would come time to return to the task. I was left so consoled and happy that the persecution hanging over me seemed to be all nothing.
4. In this way the Lord taught me what a tremendous good it is to suffer trials and persecutions for Him. For the increase of love of God I saw in my soul and many other things reached such a point that I was amazed; and this makes me unable to stop desiring trials. The other persons thought I was very ashamed; and yes, I would have been if the Lord hadn’t favored me to such an extreme with so marvelous a gift. Then the impulses of love of God that I mentioned5 began to grow in intensity, and the raptures became greater, although I remained silent and didn’t mention these gains. The holy Dominican friar6 still thought it certain, as I did, that the foundation would be made. Since I didn’t want to get involved in it so as not to go against obedience to my confessor, he conferred about the matter with my companion; and they wrote to Rome to start negotiating for it.
5. Likewise the devil began striving here through one person and another to make known that I had received some revelation about this work. Some persons came to me with great fear to tell me we were in trouble and that it could happen that others might accuse me of something and report me to the Inquisitors. This amused me and made me laugh, for I never had any fear of such a possibility. If anyone were to see that I went against the slightest ceremony of the Church in a matter of faith, I myself knew well that I would die a thousand deaths for the faith or for any truth of Sacred Scripture. And I said they shouldn’t be afraid about these possible accusations; that it would be pretty bad for my soul if there were something in it of the sort that I should have to fear the Inquisition; that I thought that if I did have something to fear I’d go myself to seek out the Inquisitors; and that if I were accused, the Lord would free me, and I would be the one to gain. I discussed this with my Dominican father who, as I say, was so learned I was able to feel fully assured with what he told me. I told him then as clearly as I could about all the visions and my manner of prayer and the great favors the Lord granted me. I begged him to consider my prayer very carefully and tell me if there was something opposed to Sacred Scripture and what he felt about it all. He assured me very much, and, in my opinion, it benefited him. For although he was very good, from then on he dedicated himself much more to prayer and withdrew to a monastery of his order where there was much solitude so that he could practice prayer better.7 He remained there more than two years, but then obedience drew him out which he felt keenly—since, on account of the kind of person he was, they needed him.
6. To a certain extent, because of the great loss this was to me, I felt it very much when he went away, although I didn’t try to prevent him. But I understood what he gained; for when I was very troubled about his leaving, the Lord told me I should be consoled and not troubled, that he was being well guided. His soul improved so much in that place, and he made such spiritual progress, that he told me, when he came back, that he wouldn’t have given up going there for anything in the world. And I, too, was able to agree because previously he assured me and consoled me only by his learning, but now he did so also through his spiritual experience, for he was receiving a number of supernatural experiences. And God brought him at the time that His Majesty saw there was need for help in the work of founding this monastery which His Majesty desired.
7. Well, for five or six months I remained in this silence, not becoming involved in or speaking of this matter, and the Lord never commanded me to do so. I didn’t understand why, but I couldn’t get it out of my mind that the foundation would be accomplished. At the end of this period, when the rector of the house of the Society of Jesus was transferred, His Majesty brought here another very spiritual one who had great courage and understanding and a good background in studies,8 and at a time when I was in dire need. For since he who was my confessor had a superior, and members of the Society have this virtue to the extreme that they will not stir unless what they do is in conformity with their superior’s will, he didn’t dare, for sufficient reasons that he had, come to a decision about some things, although he understood my spirit well and desired that it make much progress. And now my spirit was moving with such great impulses of love that it felt very keenly its bondage; nevertheless, it didn’t venture beyond what he commanded me.
8. One day, while I was greatly troubled with the thought that my confessor didn’t believe me, the Lord told me not to be anxious, that that affliction would soon end. I rejoiced deeply, thinking His words meant I was soon to die; and I became very happy when I thought about it. Afterward, I saw clearly they referred to the arrival of this rector I mentioned because the occasion for that pain never presented itself again. The new rector didn’t restrain my confessor, but rather told him to console me; that there was no reason for fear, and not to lead me by so confining a path; that he should let the spirit of the Lord work, for at times it seemed with these great spiritual impulses that my soul couldn’t even breathe.
9. This new rector came to see me. My confessor ordered me to speak to him in all freedom and clarity. I usually felt the greatest aversion toward speaking about myself. Thus it happened that when I entered the confessional, I felt in my spirit I don’t know what that I never recall having felt with anyone, neither before nor afterward; nor would I be able to describe what this experience was, or draw any comparisons. For it was a spiritual joy and understanding within my soul that his soul would understand mine and that mine would be in harmony with his; although, as I say, I don’t know how such an experience was possible. For if I had spoken with him or had heard enthusiastic reports about him, it wouldn’t have been a great thing to experience joy in knowing he would understand me. But he hadn’t spoken one word to me, nor I any to him, nor was he anyone of whom I had any previous knowledge. Afterward I saw that my spirit was not deceived, for in every way it did me and my soul great good to speak with him. His attitude is very suited to persons whom it seems the Lord has already brought very far along, for he makes them run rather than walk with measured step. His method is to detach them from everything and to mortify them, for the Lord has given him the most remarkable talent for doing this, as well as for many other things.
10. At the time of my initial conversations with him I immediately understood his style and saw that his soul was a pure and holy one and that he had a special gift from the Lord for discerning spirits. He consoled me very much. A little while after I had got to know him, the Lord began again to urge me to take up once more the matter of the monastery and to give my confessor and this rector many reasons and arguments why they shouldn’t impede me from the work. Some of these reasons made them fear because this Father Rector never doubted the project was from the spirit of God, for through much study and care he considered all the consequences. After much reflection they didn’t dare venture to hinder me from carrying out this work.
11. My confessor gave me permission again to dedicate myself entirely to this foundation. I saw clearly the toil it would bring upon me since I was very much alone and had hardly any means. We agreed to carry on in total secrecy, and so I got one of my sisters9 who lived outside this city to buy the house and fix it up, as though it were for herself, with money the Lord provided, in certain ways, for its purchase. It would take long to recount how the Lord was looking after it, for I took great care not to do anything against obedience. But I knew that if I said anything to my superiors, everything would be lost as happened the previous time, and things would even be worse. In procuring the money, acquiring the house, signing the contract for it, and fixing it up, I went through so many trials of so many kinds that now I’m amazed I was able to suffer them. In some of them I was completely alone; although my companion did what she could. But she could do little, and so little that it almost amounted to nothing more than to have everything done in her name and as her gift and all the rest of the trouble was mine. Sometimes in distress I said: “My Lord, how is it You command things that seem impossible? For if I were at least free, even though I am a woman! But bound on so many sides, without money or the means to raise it or to obtain the brief or anything, what can I do, Lord?”
12. Once when in need, for I didn’t know what to do or how to pay some workmen, St. Joseph, my true father and lord, appeared to me and revealed to me that I would not be lacking, that I should hire them. And so I did, without so much as a penny, and the Lord in ways that amazed those who heard about it provided for me.10 The house struck me as being very small; so small that it didn’t seem to be adequate for a monastery, and I wanted to buy another house next to it, which was also small, to serve as the church. I had no means or way of buying this nor did I know what to do. And one day after Communion, the Lord said to me: “I’ve already told you!11 to enter as best you can.” And by way of exclamation He added: “Oh, covetousness of the human race, that you think you will be lacking even ground! How many times did I sleep in the open because I had no place else!” I was astonished and saw that He was right. I went to the little house and drew up plans and found that although small it was perfect for a monastery, and I didn’t bother about buying more property. But I arranged to have it fixed up so that it could be lived in—with everything left rough and unpolished—and likewise so that it would not be harmful to health. And this is the way these things should be done always.
13. On her feast day,12 while I was going to Communion, St. Clare appeared to me with striking beauty. She told me to take courage and to continue on with what I had begun, that she would help me. I became very devoted to her; and what she said has indeed come true, for a nearby monastery of nuns of her order helps sustain us.13 What is more important is that little by little she brought this desire of mine to such perfection that the poverty the blessed saint practiced in her house is practiced in this one, and we are living on alms. For it had cost me no small amount of trouble that this observance of poverty would have all the backing and authority of the Holy Father behind it so that no one could change it and that there never be any income. And the Lord does more, and it must perhaps be through the prayers of this blessed saint, for without any request His Majesty fully provides what is necessary for us. May He be blessed forever, amen.
14. On one of these same days, the feast of the Assumption of our Lady while at a monastery of the order of the glorious St. Dominic,14 I was reflecting upon the many sins I had in the past confessed in that house and many things about my wretched life. A rapture came upon me so great that it almost took me out of myself. I sat down; it still seems to me I couldn’t see the elevation or hear Mass, and afterward I had a scruple about this. It seemed to me while in this state that I saw myself vested in a white robe of shining brightness, but at first I didn’t see who was clothing me in it. Afterward I saw our Lady at my right side and my father St. Joseph at the left, for they were putting that robe on me. I was given to understand that I was now cleansed of my sins. After being clothed and while experiencing the most marvelous delight and glory, it seemed to me then that our Lady took me by the hands. She told me I made her very happy in serving the glorious St. Joseph, that I should believe that what I was striving for in regard to the monastery would be accomplished, that the Lord and those two would be greatly served in it, that I shouldn’t fear there would ever be any failure in this matter even though the obedience which was to be given was not to my liking, because they would watch over us, and that her Son had already promised us He would be with us, that as a sign that this was true she was giving me a jewel. It seemed to me she placed around my neck a very beautiful golden necklace to which was attached a highly valuable cross. This gold and these stones are incomparably different from earthly ones. Their beauty is very different from what is imaginable here below. And the intellect cannot attain to an understanding of the nature of the robe that the Lord desires to have represented, nor can one imagine its whiteness; everything here on earth in comparison is like a sketch made from soot, so to speak.
15. The beauty I saw in our Lady was extraordinary, although I didn’t make out any particular details except the form of her face in general and that her garment was of the most brilliant white, not dazzling but soft. I didn’t see the glorious St. Joseph so clearly, although I saw indeed that he was there, as in the visions I mentioned that are not seen.15 Our Lady seemed to me to be a very young girl. They were with me a little while; and I was in a state of wonderful glory and happiness, which in my opinion I had never experienced and which I did not want to see come to an end; then it seemed to me I saw them ascend to heaven with a great multitude of angels. I was left in deep loneliness, although so consoled and elevated and recollected in prayer and moved to love that I remained some time without being able to stir or speak, but almost outside myself. I was left with a great impulse to be dissolved for God and with similar effects. And everything happened in such a way that I could never doubt, no matter how much I tried, that the vision was from God. It left me very comforted and with great peace.
16. As for what the Queen of Angels said concerning obedience,16 it pertained to the fact that it distressed me not to give obedience to the order, but the Lord had told me it wasn’t suitable to give it to my superiors. He gave me the reasons why it would in no way be fitting that I do so. But He told me I should petition Rome in a certain way, which He also indicated to me, and that He would take care that we get our request. And so it came about, for the petition was made the way the Lord told me and it was granted easily, whereas we had been unable to obtain it. Because of some things that happened afterward it was very fortunate the obedience was given to the bishop. But at that time I wasn’t acquainted with the prelate, nor did I know who he would be. The Lord willed that he be an excellent one and that he be strongly in favor of this house, as was necessary because of the great opposition there was to it, as I shall say afterward,17 and in order that it be established in its present state. May He be blessed who in this way did everything, amen.