Discusses how at this time it was opportune for her to leave the city. Tells about the reason and how her superior ordered her to go to console a lady of the nobility who was very distressed. Begins to deal with what happened there and the great favor the Lord granted her in making her the means by which He awakened a very eminent person to serve Him whole-heartedly, and how afterward she had this person’s support and favor. The chapter is most important.
WELL NO MATTER HOW CAREFUL I was that this work be secret, I couldn’t keep it all so hidden that there wouldn’t be those persons who would find out about it; some believed what they heard, others didn’t. I feared a great deal that if someone should tell the provincial when he came, he would order me not to continue; and immediately the whole thing would have to stop. The Lord provided in this way. It happened that in a large city, more than twenty leagues from here, a lady was very grieved because of the death of her husband. Her distress had reached such an extreme that they feared for her health.1 She had heard news about this little sinner, for the Lord had so arranged matters that for the sake of other blessings that would follow they spoke highly to her about me. This lady was well acquainted with the provincial, and since she was a person of the nobility and knew I was in a monastery where the nuns were allowed to go out, the Lord gave her a strong, irresistible desire to see me; she thought I would be able to console her. She immediately tried by every means she could to bring me there, and to this effect sent a message to the provincial who was far away. He sent me an order, under precept of obedience, to go immediately with another companion. I learned of it on Christmas eve.2
2. It caused me some disturbance and a lot of affliction to know that she wanted to bring me there because she thought there was some good in me, for since I knew I was so wretched I couldn’t bear such a thought. Praying to God very earnestly about this, I spent all of Matins, or a great part of it, in a deep rapture. The Lord told me to go and not listen to opinions, because few would counsel me prudently; that even though I would have trials, God would be greatly served; that for the business concerning the monastery it was fitting I be absent until the brief arrive because the devil had set up a cunning plot for when the provincial would return; that I shouldn’t fear anything; that He would help me there. I was very much strengthened and consoled. I told the rector about it. He told me I should by no means fail to go. For others told me that I shouldn’t abide by the provincial’s letter, that it was the invention of the devil so that some harm could come to me there; that I should write back to the provincial.
3. I obeyed the rector, and with what I had learned in prayer I went without fear, although not without sheer embarrassment in considering the title under which they were bringing me there and how much they were being deceived. This made me beg the Lord more that He not abandon me. I was very consoled that there was a house of the Society of Jesus in that city where I was going3 and that by submitting to their orders as I did here I would, I thought, have some security. It pleased the Lord that that lady was so comforted she soon began to improve noticeably, and each day she found herself more at ease. She valued this improvement highly because, as I said;4 the suffering had weighed on her heavily. And the Lord must have done this through the many prayers good persons I knew offered in order that things would turn out well for me. She was very God-fearing and so good that her abundant Christian spirit supplied for what was lacking in me. She grew deeply fond of me. I esteemed her very much in observing her goodness. But almost everything was a cross for me because the comforts caused me great torment, and I was very fearful about the big fuss made over me. My soul was so dispirited I didn’t dare grow negligent, nor did the Lord neglect me; while I was there He granted me the most wonderful favors. These gave me such freedom and made me so despise all that I saw—and the greater the favors, the greater the contempt—that I conversed with those noble ladies, whom it would have been an honor for me to serve, with the freedom I would have felt had I been their equal.
4. I derived a very beneficial insight, and I told her about it. I realized that she was a woman and as subject to passions and weaknesses as I, and how little should be our esteem for the status of nobility, and that the greater the nobility the more the cares and trials. I observed the solicitude they had for preserving their composure in conformity with this status, which doesn’t allow them to live, obliging them to eat without rhyme or reason because everything must be done in accordance with their status and not with their bodily constitution. (They have often to eat food that is more in harmony with their position than with their liking.) As a result I totally abhorred any desire to become a lady of the nobility—God deliver me from faulty composure!—even though I believe there are few women more humble or of greater simplicity than this lady who is one of the most noble in the kingdom. I pitied her and felt it when I saw how often she had to go against her inclination in order to fulfill the duties of her state. As for the servants, what they can be trusted with amounts to little, even though she had good ones. You dare not speak to one more than to the other, or else the one you favor will be disliked by the others. This is a kind of subservience that makes calling such persons “lords” one of the world’s lies, for it doesn’t seem to me they are anything but slaves to a thousand things.
5. The Lord was pleased that while I stayed at that house the persons who lived in it improved in their service of His Majesty, although I wasn’t free of some trials and some envy on the part of a few because of the great love that lady had for me. They perhaps must have thought I was aiming after some personal advantage. The Lord most probably allowed them to provide me with some trials and similar things as well as other things of another kind so that I wouldn’t be charmed by the comfort I likewise experienced, and He was pleased to draw me out of it all with improvement for my soul.
6. While I was there it happened that a certain religious came to that city, a person from the nobility with whom I had sometimes conversed many years previously.5 Once, when attending Mass at a monastery of his order near the place where I was staying, there came over me a desire to know the condition of his soul since I wanted him to be a great servant of God; and I rose to go to speak to him. Since I was already recollected in prayer, it seemed to me after I got up that it was a waste of time, and I wondered why I should meddle, and returned to my seat. It seems to me that this happened three times, and finally, the good angel was more powerful than the bad; I went to call him, and he came to speak with me in the confessional. We began to question each other—for it was many years since we had met—about our lives. I began to tell him I had experienced many trials of soul. He strongly urged me to tell him what the trials were. I told him they were not meant to be known nor was it meant that I should speak of them. He said that since the Dominican father I mentioned6—who was a great friend of his—knew about them he would find out from him and that I shouldn’t worry about it.
7. The fact is that neither was it in his power to stop pressing me nor was it in mine, it seems to me, to resist speaking about them. For despite all the displeasures and shame I usually felt when I spoke about these things, I didn’t feel any pain with him or with the rector I mentioned;7 rather, I was very much consoled. I told him about them under the seal of confession. He seemed to me wiser than ever, although I always thought he had a great mind. I considered the wonderful talents and gifts he had for doing much good, were he to give himself totally to God. I’ve experienced this for some years: as soon as I see a person who greatly pleases me, with longings I sometimes cannot bear, I want to see him give himself totally to God. And although I desire that all serve God, the longings come with very great impulses in the case of these persons I like; so I beg the Lord very much on their behalf. With the religious I’m speaking of, it so happened to me.
8. He asked me to pray earnestly to God for him, but he had no need to ask since I was already of such a mind that I couldn’t have done otherwise. I went to the place where I usually prayed alone and, being deeply recollected, began to talk to the Lord in a foolish way, which I often do without knowing what I’m saying. It is love that is then speaking, and the soul is so transported that I don’t notice the difference there is between it and God. Love that knows it possesses His Majesty forgets the soul and thinks it is in Him and, as one without division, speaks absurdities. I recall that after having begged Him with many tears for that soul, that it be truly committed to His service, I said that even though I considered him good this didn’t satisfy me, since I wanted him to be very good; and so I said to His Majesty: “Lord, You must not deny me this favor; see how this individual is fit to be our friend.”
9. O goodness and great humanity of God! You don’t look at the words but at the desires and the will with which they are spoken! How do You bear that one like myself should speak so boldly to Your Majesty! May You be blessed forever and ever.
10. I recall that in those hours of prayer that night there came over me a great affliction in wondering whether I was at enmity with God. Since I couldn’t know whether I was in grace or not (not that I wanted to know, but that I desired to die so as not to find myself in a life where I wasn’t sure whether or not I was dead—for there couldn’t have been a more grievous death for me than to wonder whether I had offended God), this pain oppressed me. All overflowing and dissolved in tears, I begged God not to permit me to be without grace. Then I understood that I could truly be consoled and certain that I was in grace because a love of God like this, and those favors and sentiments His Majesty gave me, could not exist harmoniously with a soul in mortal sin. I remained confident the Lord would grant what I begged of Him for this person. He told me some words to tell him. I greatly disliked doing this because I didn’t know how to say them. This matter of giving a message to a third party, as I said,8 is what I always dislike most; especially in this case since I didn’t know how the person would take it, or if he would make fun of me. I got very distressed about it. Finally, I became so persuaded that I believe I promised God I wouldn’t fail to tell this person; because of my great embarrassment, I put the words in writing and gave them to him.
11. They indeed seemed to be from God on account of the effect they had upon him. He resolved very sincerely to dedicate himself to prayer, even though he didn’t do so at once. Since the Lord had wanted this person for Himself, He sent him some truths by means of me, which, without my understanding them, were so apropos that they amazed him. And the Lord must have disposed him to believe they were from His Majesty. I, although wretched, begged the Lord intensely to convert this individual to Himself completely, and to make him abhor the satisfactions and things of life. Consequently—may God be praised forever—he turned to God so completely that every time he speaks to me, I’m stupefied. If I hadn’t seen it, I would have doubted that in such a short time the favors would have so increased and he would have been so occupied with God that he no longer seemed to live for anything else on earth. May His Majesty protect him, for if he continues to advance like this (which I hope in the Lord he will since he is well grounded in self-knowledge), he will become one of God’s most distinguished servants for the great benefit of many souls. Within a short time he has had much experience in spiritual things; these are gifts God gives when he desires and how He desires, and they depend neither on time nor on services. I do not mean that time and services are not important, but often the contemplation the Lord doesn’t give to one in twenty years He gives to another in one. His Majesty knows the reason. This is a mistake we make: we think that with years we shall come to understand what in no way can be comprehended without experience. And so many are wrong, as I said,9 in wanting to discern spirits without having experience. I don’t say that anyone who has not had spiritual experience, provided he is a learned man, should not guide someone who has. But he ought to limit himself to seeing to it that in both exterior and interior matters the soul walks in conformity to the natural way through the use of reason; and in supernatural experiences he should see that it walks in conformity with Sacred Scripture. As for the rest he shouldn’t kill himself or think he understands what he doesn’t, or suppress the spirit;10 for now, in respect to the spirit, another greater Lord governs them; they are not without a Superior.
12. Let him not be surprised or think these things are impossible—everything is possible with the Lord—but strive to strengthen his own faith and humble himself in that the Lord makes a little old woman wiser, perhaps, in this science than he is, even though he is a very learned man. With his humility he will do more good for souls and for himself than by becoming a contemplative without it. For I repeat that if he doesn’t have experience and a very great deal of humility in knowing that he doesn’t understand the experience, but that it’s not impossible on that account, he will be of little profit to himself and of still less profit to those with whom he deals. If he’s humble, he shouldn’t fear that the Lord will allow either of them to be deceived.
13. The Lord gave humility in many things to this Dominican father of whom I’m speaking. As a result this father strove to learn through study everything he could in this matter, for he is a good scholar. And what he doesn’t know through experience he finds out from one who has it. Thus the Lord helps him by giving him deep faith, and so this father has himself profited very much and has helped other souls; and mine is one of them. It seems that, since His Majesty was about to call to Himself some who were guiding me,11 He provided that there be others to help me through difficult troubles and do me great good. The Lord changed him almost completely, in such a way that he hardly knew himself, so to speak; and the Lord gave him bodily strength for penance (which he didn’t have before, but was sickly), and courage for everything good, and other things. It indeed seems to have been a very particular call from the Lord. May He be blessed forever.
14. I believe all the good comes to this father from the favors the Lord granted him in prayer, for this good is not counterfeit. Already in some things the Lord has desired that he be tried, and he has come out of these trials as one who has already learned about the merit gained in suffering persecutions. I hope in the greatness of the Lord that through him much good will come to some persons of his order and to the order itself. This is already beginning to be known. I have seen great visions, and the Lord has told me some highly admirable things about him and about the rector of the Society of Jesus, whom I mentioned;12 and about two other religious of the order of St. Dominic—especially about one of them,13 for His Majesty has already made known in deed some things having to do with his progress that I had known previously. But of the one of whom I’m now speaking many things have been manifested to me.
15. Now I want to say one thing here: I was once with him in a parlor and my soul and spirit came to such an understanding of the great love of God that burned in his spirit that this knowledge almost absorbed me, for I was considering the grandeur of God who in so short a time had raised a soul to such a high state. It made me very embarrassed because I saw him listening with so much humility to some things I was saying about prayer and saw that I had little of it to be speaking in such a way with a person like this. The Lord must have suffered it because of the strong desire I had to see this person far advanced. It benefited me so much to be with him that it seems he left my soul fired anew with the desire to serve the Lord from the beginning. O my Jesus, what a soul inflamed in Your love accomplishes! How highly we must esteem such a soul and how we must beg the Lord to let it remain in this life! Whoever has this same love must follow after these souls if possible.
16. It is a wonderful thing when a sick person finds another wounded with that same sickness; how great the consolation to find you are not alone. The two become a powerful help to each other in suffering and meriting. What excellent backing they give to one another since they are determined to risk a thousand lives for God and they desire the opportunities for losing them. They are like soldiers who want to make war in order to capture the spoils and become rich; they have understood that such riches cannot be acquired any other way. This is their duty: to labor. Oh, what a great thing it is when the Lord gives this light to understand the abundance that is gained in suffering for Him! This isn’t well understood until one abandons all for Him. For those who rest in something show that they esteem it; surely if they esteem it they will be sorry to give it up—and already everything is going imperfectly and astray. The saying fits well here that the lost go after what is lost. And what greater perdition, greater blindness, greater misfortune than to cherish that which is nothing?
17. Well, to return to what I was saying;14 while with the deepest joy I was contemplating that soul, it seems the Lord wanted me to see clearly the treasures He had placed in it. Seeing the favor He granted me in that He used me as a means though I found myself unworthy to be such—I had higher esteem for the favors the Lord granted this soul and considered them more my own than if they had been given to me. I praised His Majesty upon seeing that He was fulfilling my desires and had heard my prayer, which was that the Lord awaken persons like these. My soul being then in such a state that it couldn’t bear so much joy, it went out of itself and was lost, so the more to gain. The reflections were forgotten, and while I was hearing that divine language in which it seems the Holy Spirit was speaking, a powerful rapture came over me which almost made me lose my senses, although it lasted only a short while. I saw Christ with awesome majesty and glory showing great happiness over what was taking place. Thus He told me and wanted me to see clearly that He was always present in conversations like these and how much He is pleased when persons so delight in speaking of Him.
At another time, I saw this father, when he was away from this place, raised up by angels in great glory.15 Through this vision I understood that his soul was making much progress. Thus it happened that serious testimony against his honor was given by a person for whom he had done much good by providing a remedy for this person’s soul and own loss of honor. He underwent this with great happiness, performed other works of much service to God, and suffered other persecutions.
18. It doesn’t seem to me fitting now to describe anything more. If afterward, since you know about these things,16 Your Reverence should think it is indeed appropriate, they can be put down for the glory of the Lord. What I said about the prophecies concerning this house, and other prophecies I shall mention, as well as other things, were all fulfilled. Some the Lord told me three years before they came about—others more than three, others less. I always told them to my confessor and to this widow friend of mine whom I had permission to tell, as I said.17 I have known that she has told them to other persons, and these persons know I am not lying; nor may God ever permit me to lie, for in no instance would I speak anything but the complete truth—and how much more in matters so serious.
19. When a brother-in-law of mine died suddenly18 and I was deeply grieved because he hadn’t had the chance to go to confession, it was told to me in prayer that my sister would die this way, that I should go to her and try to get her to prepare herself for such an event. I told my confessor and since he didn’t allow me to go, I heard the message at other times. When he learned of this, he told me to go there, and that there was nothing to lose. She lived in a small village;19 I went and, without telling her about the locution, enlightened her as I could about everything and got her to confess very frequently and in all events to take care of her soul. She was very good and she did so. Within four or five years after she had gained this habit and become very conscientious, she died without seeing anyone or being able to confess. Happily, since she had acquired the habit, little more than eight days had passed since she had gone to confession. News of her death brought me great joy. She remained a very short while in purgatory. I don’t think more than eight days passed when the Lord appeared to me after I received Communion and wanted me to see how He brought her to glory. In all those years from the time He told me until she died, I didn’t forget what had been made known to me, nor did my companion; as soon as my sister died, my companion came to me very much amazed to see how the revelation had been fulfilled. May God be praised forever who takes such care of souls so that they be not lost.