Continues the same subject. Tells how this monastery of the glorious St. Joseph was finally founded and of the strong opposition and persecution the nuns had to undergo after taking the habit. Tells also of the great trials and temptations she suffered and how the Lord brought her out of them all victoriously to His own praise and glory.
ONCE I LEFT THAT CITY1 I journeyed very happily, determined to undergo most willingly everything the Lord desired. The very night I reached this city our patent and our brief2 for the monastery arrived from Rome. I was amazed, and, when they learned of the great need there was for my being here and of the coincidence the Lord had prepared for me, so too were those who knew how He made me come quickly. For I found here the bishop and the holy Friar Peter of Alcántara and another gentleman, a very good servant of God,3 in whose house this holy friar was staying; this gentleman was a person in whom the servants of God found protection as well as a welcome.
2. The two of them succeeded in getting the bishop to accept the monastery under his jurisdiction,4 which was no small thing since the house was to be poor. But the bishop was so fond of persons whom he saw determined to serve the Lord that he soon grew fond of showing it his favor. And because this holy old Friar Peter approved it and urged now some, now others, to help us, it was he who did everything. If I hadn’t by coincidence come at this precise time—as I already mentioned—I don’t know how the monastery could have been founded. For this saintly man was here only a little while (I don’t believe as many as eight days); he was very sick during them, and shortly afterward the Lord brought him to Himself.5 It seems His Majesty preserved him until this matter was taken care of because for a long time—I don’t know if it exceeded two years—he was very sick.
3. Everything was done in deep secrecy; if it hadn’t been, nothing could have been accomplished since the people were opposed to the foundation, as became manifest afterward. The Lord ordained that my brother-in-law6 become ill; since his wife was not here and he was in such need, my superiors gave me permission to stay with him. With this excuse nothing became known, although some persons didn’t fail to suspect something; yet they didn’t believe their suspicions. It was an amazing thing that he wasn’t any sicker than was necessary for the business to be taken care of. When there was need that he get well so that I could be free and that he could leave the house empty, the Lord immediately brought this about; at which my brother-in-law marveled.
4. I had a lot of trouble with some persons at times—and with others at other times—that the monastery be accepted. I had trouble with my sick brother-in-law and with the workmen to get them to convert the house into a monastery and make it ready quickly, for there was still much to be done. Moreover, my companion7 was not here; it seemed to us we could better conceal what we were doing if she were absent. For many reasons I was taking care that everything be done in a hurry; one of the reasons for this was that I feared by the hour they would make me return to my own monastery.8 There were so many trying things that I wondered if this wasn’t the cross;9 although it still seemed to me small in comparison with the great cross I learned from the Lord I would have to suffer.
5. When everything was ready the Lord was pleased that on St. Bartholomew’s day the habit was received by some10 and the Blessed Sacrament was reserved, and with all due authority and power our monastery of our most glorious father St. Joseph was founded, in 1562. I, along with two other nuns from our house who happened to be outside,11 was present at this clothing. Since this house that was converted into a monastery was the one in which my brother-in-law lived (for, as I said,12 he was the one who bought it in order to keep the project a better secret), I was there with permission; and I hadn’t done anything without getting advice from learned men so as not to go one iota against obedience. Since these learned men observed that for many reasons the monastery would be very beneficial for the whole order, they told me I could go ahead even though I did so secretly and was careful that my superiors not find out about it. If these learned men had told me an imperfection lay in what I was doing, no matter how small, I would have given up founding a thousand monasteries, how much more one. This is certain, for although I desired to withdraw more from everything and live my profession and vocation with greater perfection and enclosure, I desired this in such a way that if I had found out it would have been of greater service to the Lord to abandon the project, I would have done so with complete peace and calm, as I did the other time.13
6. Well, with me it was like being in glory to see the Blessed Sacrament reserved and that four poor orphans (for they didn’t bring any dowry)14 and four great servants of God (for this is what I had in mind from the beginning, that persons would enter who by their example of prayer and a very perfect life would be a foundation upon which we could achieve our goal) would give each other support; and to see a work accomplished that I knew was for the service of the Lord and to the honor of the habit of His glorious Mother—for these were my concerns. It also consoled me to have done what the Lord had so often given me the command to do; that there was another church in this city, dedicated to my glorious father St. Joseph, in whose honor none was yet built. But this consolation didn’t come because it seemed to me that I myself did anything to bring about this new foundation. To me it never seemed that I did anything, nor does it now. I always know that the Lord did it, and what I did for my part I did with so many imperfections that I rather find there was a reason to blame myself than be pleased with myself. But it was a great delight for me to see that His Majesty had used me—who am so wretched—as an instrument for such a marvelous work. Thus I was so intensely happy that I was as though outside myself, in deep prayer.
7. After all was over and about three or four hours had passed, the devil stirred up within me a spiritual battle, as I shall now describe. He brought doubts to my mind about whether what I had done was wrong; whether I had gone against obedience in having made the foundation without my provincial’s orders. For it indeed seemed to me the provincial would be somewhat displeased because the house was under the jurisdiction of the Ordinary and for my not having told him first; although, since he had not wanted to give permission and I myself had not changed my obedience, it also seemed to me that on the other hand he wouldn’t care at all. And there were doubts as to whether those who lived here would be happy with so much austerity. What if they lacked food? Wasn’t it all foolishness? Who got me involved in all this since I already had a monastery to live in? All that the Lord had commanded me, and the great deal of advice, and the prayers that for more than two years had gone on almost without cease, all was erased from my memory as though it had never been. I only remembered my own decisions. And all the virtues, and my faith, were then suspended within me without my having the strength to activate any of them or defend myself against so many blows.
8. The devil raised doubts in me also about how I wanted to shut myself up in so austere a house, and with my many illnesses. How would I be able to endure so much penance and leave a monastery that was large and pleasant and where I had always been so happy? And how could I leave so many friends, for perhaps those in the new house would not be to my liking? I had obligated myself to a great deal; perhaps I would despair. The devil by chance may have intended to take away my peace and quiet so that on account of such disturbance I wouldn’t be able to pray and thus would lose my soul.
Thoughts of this sort, all mixed together, he put before my mind; I was powerless to think of anything else. This state was accompanied by an affliction and obscurity and darkness of soul that I wouldn’t know how to exaggerate. Finding myself in such a condition, I made a visit to the Blessed Sacrament; although I couldn’t pray. It seems to me the anguish I experienced was like that of someone in the death agony. I didn’t dare speak of it to anyone, for I still didn’t have a designated confessor.
9. Oh, God help me, what a miserable life this is! There’s no secure happiness, nor anything that doesn’t change. A short time before it seemed to me I wouldn’t change my happiness with anyone on earth, and now the very reason for this happiness tormented me in such a way that I didn’t know what to do with myself. Oh, if we would carefully observe the affairs of our life! Each one would see through experience the little of either happiness or unhappiness we ought to have on their account.
Certainly, I think, it was one of the most difficult periods in my life. It seems my spirit anticipated the many things I had yet to pass through, although they weren’t as severe as this suffering would have been should it have lasted. But the Lord did not let His poor servant suffer long, for never did He fail to succor me in my tribulations. And He did so in my present one, for He gave me a little light to enable me to see it was the devil and to understand the truth that it was all due to the devil’s desire to frighten me with lies. As a result I began to recall my strong resolutions to serve the Lord and my desires to suffer for Him. I reflected that if I were to fulfill these desires I couldn’t go about seeking rest; and that if I had trials, they would be meritorious; and if unhappiness, it would serve as purgatory if I accepted it in the service of God; that I had nothing to fear, for since I desired trials, these troubles were good; that the greater the opposition the greater the gain. And why did I lack courage to serve one whom I owed so much?
With these and other reflections, drawing up all my strength, I promised before the Blessed Sacrament to do all I could to obtain permission to come to live in this house, and to make a promise of enclosure when able to do it in good conscience.
10. Once I did this the devil fled instantly and left me calm and happy; and I remained so, and have remained so always. All the enclosure and penance and other things that are observed in this house are extremely easy for me and amount to little. The happiness is so very great I sometimes wonder what I could choose on earth that would be more pleasant for me. I don’t know if these observances are the reason for my having better health than ever, or whether the Lord—since it is necessary and right that I do as everyone else—wants to give me this consolation of being able to keep them, even though with difficulty. But all those persons who know about my illnesses marvel at this power. May He be blessed who gives all things and in whose power all things can be done!15
11. I was left truly exhausted from such a conflict, and I laughed to myself at the devil, for I saw clearly it was he. I believe the Lord permitted this conflict because I had never known what it was to be unhappy with being a nun (not for even a moment during the twenty-eight years or more that I was one), and that I might know the great favor He had thereby granted me and the torment He had freed me from; and also so that if I should meet someone who was unhappy I wouldn’t be surprised but feel compassion for her and know how to console her.
Once this conflict was over, after dinner, I wanted to rest a little since I had hardly slept the whole night, nor had I been without work or worry some of the other nights; and all the days had been truly tiring. But since what was done became known in my monastery, and there arose in the city a great outcry for the reasons I mentioned,16 which seemed to bear some weight, the prioress17 sent me an order to return to my monastery at once. On seeing her orders I left my nuns, who were very saddened, and returned immediately. I saw clearly that many trials would be awaiting me, but since the house was already established, I didn’t worry much. I prayed to the Lord to protect me and to my father St. Joseph to bring me to his house, and I offered God what I would have to undergo. I was very happy about the coming opportunity to suffer for Him and be able to serve Him, for I believed they would immediately throw me into the prison cell. But I thought this would make me very happy since I wouldn’t have to speak to anyone and would be able to rest a little in solitude, for which I had a real need because I was worn out from so much dealing with people.
12. When I arrived and gave an account to my prioress, she was somewhat placated. They sent everything to the provincial, and the case was left up to him. When he came, I went before him very happy to know I was suffering something for the Lord because in this case I didn’t find I had committed any offense either against His Majesty or against the order. Rather, I was trying with all my strength to bring our order increase, and I would have eagerly died for it since my whole desire was that our order fulfill its mission perfectly. I recalled the judgment pronounced on Christ and saw how it amounted to nothing at all, I accused myself of the fault as one who was very much to blame,18 and this seemed true to anyone who didn’t know all the reasons. After having received a serious reprimand, although not one as severe as the transgression deserved or in accordance with what many told the provincial, I didn’t want to excuse myself; I had been determined about what I did. Rather, I begged to be pardoned and punished and that he not be vexed with me.
13. I saw clearly that in some matters they condemned me without any fault on my part, for they said I did it so as to be esteemed or to become famous and other similar things. But in other matters I knew plainly they were speaking the truth, in saying that I was worse than others, in asking how, since I hadn’t kept the strict religious observance of that house, I thought I could keep it in another stricter one, and in asserting that I gave scandal to the people and was promoting novelties. None of what they said caused me any disturbance or grief, although I let on that it did so as not to give the impression I didn’t take to heart what they said to me. Finally the provincial ordered me to go before the nuns and give my account, and I had to do it.
14. Since I felt interiorly calm and the Lord helped me, I gave my explanation in such a way that neither the provincial nor those who were present found anything to condemn me for.
Afterward I spoke to him more freely, and he was very satisfied and promised—if all went well—to give me permission to go there once the city quieted down, for the clamor throughout the whole city was vehement, as I shall now describe.
15. After two or three days some of the councilmen as well as the mayor and the city council gathered in a meeting and unanimously stated they could by no means give consent, that to do so would bring notable harm to the republic, and that the Blessed Sacrament should be removed and the foundation should not in any way be allowed to continue. They ordered a meeting of all religious orders to be carried out in such a way that each could give its opinion through two learned spokesmen. Some of the spokesmen were silent, others condemned the new foundation. Finally they concluded that it should be suppressed at once. Only one member, a presentado of the order of St. Dominic,19 although he was opposed (not to the monastery, but to its being poor), said it wasn’t something that had to be suppressed, that the matter should be considered carefully, that there was time for this, that such a decision pertained to the bishop—or other things of this nature. What he said was very helpful for they were so furious that it was a wonder they didn’t carry out their decision right away. What happened, finally, was that the foundation had to continue in existence, for the Lord was pleased with it; and all of them together could do little against His will. They gave their reasons and were rightfully zealous; so, without offending God, they made me suffer as well as all the persons who were in favor of it (for there were some in its favor); and these persons underwent much persecution.
16. The uproar among the people was such that they talked of nothing else, and they were all condemning me and appealing to the provincial and to my monastery. I felt no more pain over what they said about me than if they hadn’t said it, yet I was fearful the new house would be suppressed. This caused me great disturbance, as did also the realization that the persons who helped me were losing their credibility and suffering great trial; for what others said against me, I think, made me rejoice. If I had had a little faith, I wouldn’t have experienced any disturbance; but a certain lack in one of the virtues is enough to put them all to sleep. So, I was very afflicted for the two days in which these meetings, I mentioned, among the people took place. And while I was feeling really desolate, the Lord said to me: “Don’t you know that I am mighty? What do you fear?” And He assured me the new monastery would not be suppressed. As a result I was left very consoled. They sent an official denunciation to the royal council. The reply that came asked for an account of how the new monastery was founded.
17. As a result a long lawsuit began; the city sent its delegates to the royal council, and some persons had to go to represent the new monastery. But I had no money, nor did I know what to do. The Lord so provided that my provincial never ordered me to give up my involvement in the project. The provincial is so well disposed to everything virtuous that, even though he gave no actual help, he didn’t want to oppose the foundation. He didn’t give me permission to come here until he saw what the outcome of the lawsuit would be. These servants of God were alone; and they did more through their prayers than I did through my negotiations, although these negotiations required much effort.
Sometimes it seemed that everything was failing, especially one day before the provincial came when the prioress gave me the order not to have anything more to do with the new monastery; this meant abandoning everything. I went to God and told Him: “Lord, this house is not mine; it was founded for You; now that there is no one to take care of its affairs, You, Your Majesty, must do so.” I remained as at ease and undisturbed as I would have if the whole world had been taking care of the business for me, and I immediately felt it was in safe hands.
18. A very good servant of God, a priest;20 who always helped me and was eager about everything regarding perfection, went to the royal council to take part in the negotiations and worked very hard. And that saintly gentlemen, whom I mentioned,21 did a great deal in this matter and helped in every way. He suffered a lot of trials and persecution, and always in everything I esteemed him as a father and still do now. The Lord gave so much fervor to those who helped us that each one considered the matter to be as much a part of them as it would if their life and honor depended on it, and they didn’t think of it as anything else than something by which the Lord was served. It seemed clear that His Majesty helped the master I mentioned,22 that cleric who was also one of those who helped me a great deal and whom the bishop made his representative in a large meeting that was held. He stood alone against everyone and finally appeased them by suggesting certain procedures through which time was gained; but none of the procedures was sufficient to keep them from soon returning to the question of suppressing the foundation as though its suppression were a matter of life and death, as the saying goes. This servant of God I’m speaking of officiated at the clothing ceremony and reserved the Blessed Sacrament in the new monastery; he was the victim of much persecution. This assault lasted almost half a year; to tell in detail the great trials they suffered would take a long time.
19. I was startled by what the devil stirred up against a few poor little women and how everyone thought—I mean those opposed—that this house would be so harmful to the city. There were only twelve women and the prioress (for there were to be no more); and they were living such a strict life. If the house were harmful or a mistake, it would be so for these women; but that it would be harmful to the city didn’t make sense. But the adversaries found so many reasons for opposing it that they did so in good conscience. Finally they came to agree that if it had an income they would pass over the matter and let the foundation continue. I was already so wearied of seeing the hardships of all those who were helping me, more so than in seeing my own, that it didn’t seem to be a bad idea to have an income until our adversaries quieted down, and then give it up afterward. At other times, wretched and imperfect as I am, I thought that perhaps the Lord wanted this since we couldn’t succeed without it; I was disposed to accept the compromise.
20. While I was in prayer the night before this matter was to be discussed, and I had already begun to agree, the Lord told me not to agree, that if in the beginning we accepted an income they wouldn’t allow us afterward to renounce it, as well as some other things. That same night the holy Friar Peter of Alcántara appeared to me, for he was already dead. And before he died he had written to me23—since he had known about the strong opposition and persecution we were undergoing—that he rejoiced the foundation was being so vehemently opposed, that that was a sign the Lord would be very much served in this monastery in that the devil was interfering so much to prevent it, and that I should in no way decide to receive an income. And in the letter he urged me as much as two or three times not to accept an income, and that if I followed this advice everything would come about as I desired. I had already, two or three times since his death, seen him and the great glory he possessed; so I wasn’t frightened. Rather I rejoiced greatly, for he always appeared in his glorified body, filled with great glory; it gave me a powerful feeling of glory to see him. I recall that the first time I saw him he told me, among other things, about how sublime his joy was and how the penance he had performed brought him fortune in that he had gained such a reward.
21. Since I believe I already said something about these apparitions.24 I’m not saying any more than that this time he looked severe and told me only that I should by no means accept an income and asked why I didn’t want to take his advice, and disappeared immediately. I was startled, and the next day I at once told the gentleman—for he was the one to whom I had recourse in everything since he was the most involved in the project—what took place and that he should by no means agree to an income, but that the lawsuit should go forward. He was much more convinced about this than I, and very happy. Later he told me how reluctantly he had agreed with the compromise.
22. Afterward, when the negotiations were on their way toward a settlement, another person, a very zealous servant of God came to me saying the matter should be put into the hands of learned men.25 As a result I had many worries. Some of those who were helping me agreed with this proposal; this snarl in the affairs, which was caused by the devil, turned out to be the most complicated tangle of all. The Lord helped me in everything, for in a summary like this you can’t explain all that took place in the two years from the time this house was founded to the time the litigation ended. This last phase and the first were the most laborious.
23. Well, once the city was placated, the Dominican father praesentado26 managed to be a great help to us even though he wasn’t present. But the Lord had brought him at a time very opportune for us, and it seemed His Majesty brought him here solely for this purpose because this father told me afterward that he had not had any reason to come, but had learned of our need by accident. His presence was what was needed. After he had departed again, he tried in several ways to get our Father Provincial to give me and some others with me permission to come to this house to recite the Divine Office and teach it to those who were here, for it seemed almost impossible that the provincial would give it so quickly. The day that we came was one of greatest consolation for me.
24. Before entering the new monastery, while in prayer outside in the church, being almost in rapture, I saw Christ who seemed to be receiving me with great love and placing a crown on my head and thanking me for what I did for His Mother.
Another time while all were at prayer in choir after compline, I saw our Lady in the greatest glory clothed in a white mantle; it seemed she was sheltering us all under it. I understood how high a degree of glory the Lord would give to those living in this house.
25. Once the liturgical Offices were initiated the people began to grow very devoted to this house. More nuns were accepted, and the Lord started to inspire our most vigorous persecutors to show us much favor; and they gave us alms. So they approved of what they had so greatly disapproved. Little by little they abandoned the lawsuit and said that now they knew the house was a work of God since in spite of so much opposition His Majesty desired the foundation to go forward. And there isn’t anyone at present who doesn’t think it was right to let the house be founded. Thus they are so careful about providing us with alms that, without our asking or begging from anyone, the Lord stirs them to send alms to us. We get along without any lack of necessities, and I hope in the Lord things will always be like this. Since the nuns are few in number, if they do what they are obliged to, as His Majesty now gives them the grace to do, I am sure they won’t lack anything or have need to be anxious or to importune anyone. The Lord will take care of them as He has up to now.
26. It is the most wonderful consolation for me to be able to live with souls so detached. Their conversation is about how they can make progress in the service of God. Solitude is their comfort, and the thought of seeing others (when doing so is not a help toward an enkindling within them of a greater love of their Spouse) is a burden to them even though these others may be relatives. As a result no one comes to this house save those who speak about this love, for otherwise neither are the nuns satisfied nor are their visitors. Their language allows them to speak only of God, and so they only understand one who speaks the same language; nor would they in turn be understood by anyone who doesn’t. We observe the rule of our Lady of Mt. Carmel and keep it without mitigation as ordained by the Friar Cardinal Hugo of Saint Sabina and given in 1248, in the fifth year of the pontificate of Pope Innocent IV.27
27. It seems to me that all the trials suffered were well worth it. Now, although there is some austerity because meat is never eaten without necessity and there is an eight-month fast and other things, as are seen in the first rule, this is still in many respects considered small by the sisters; and they have other observances which seemed to us necessary in order to observe the rule with greater perfection. I hope in the Lord that what has been begun will prosper, as His Majesty has told me it would.
28. The other house that the beata I mentioned28 was trying to found was also favored by the Lord. It was established in Alcala, and there was no lack of strong opposition to her; nor did she fail to suffer great trials. I know that full religious observance is kept there in conformity with this first rule of ours. May it please the Lord that all be to His glory and praise and to that of the glorious Virgin Mary, whose habit we wear, amen.
29. I believe Your Reverence29 will be annoyed by the long account I’ve given of this monastery, but it is very short in comparison with the many trials we suffered and the wonders the Lord has worked for it. There are many witnesses who are able to swear to these marvels, and so I beg Your Reverence for the love of God that if you think you should tear up what else is written here you preserve whatever pertains to this monastery. And when I’m dead, give it to the sisters who live here that when those who are to come see the many things His Majesty arranged for its establishment by means of so wretched and dreadful a thing as myself they might be greatly encouraged to serve God and strive that what has been begun may not collapse but always flourish.
Since the Lord has desired so particularly to show His favor toward the establishment of this house, it seems to me that one would be doing a great wrong and would be punished by God were one to begin to mitigate the way of perfection that the Lord has initiated here and so favored that it can be borne with such great ease; it is very clearly seen to be bearable and can be carried out calmly. The main disposition required for always living in this calm is the desire to rejoice solely in Christ, one’s Spouse. This is what they must always have as their aim: to be alone with Him alone. And there should be no more than thirteen in the house,30 for after much advice I have learned that this is a fitting number; and I’ve also found it out through experience. To live the spiritual life as we do, as well as from alms, without begging, does not allow for a larger number. Let them always have greater trust in the one who through many trials and the prayer of many persons strove for what would be better. And by the great happiness and joy and small amount of hardship we have had during these years spent in this house, in which we find that all of us have had much better health than usual, it is obvious that this number is what is fitting. Those who think the life harsh should blame their own lack of spirituality and not what is observed here, for they should be able to live it since persons who are sickly or have delicate health live it with such ease; they should go to another monastery where they can be saved in a way conformable to their own spirituality.