Discusses the effects of a certain favor the Lord granted her. Some very good doctrine accompanies this discussion. Tells how one should strive for a greater degree of glory, and esteem it highly, and that we shouldn’t neglect everlasting goods for any difficulty.
IT IS HARD FOR ME to say more than I’ve already said about the favors the Lord has granted me,1 and it is already too much for anyone to believe that He granted them to so dreadful a person. But to obey the Lord, who commanded me to do so, and Your Reverences,2 I will say something to give Him glory. May it please His Majesty that some soul may benefit by seeing that the Lord has desired to favor a thing so miserable. (What will He grant to one who has truly served Him?) May all be encouraged to please His Majesty since even in this life He bestows tokens like these of His love.
2. First, it must be understood that in these favors the Lord grants to the soul there can be either more or less glory. For in some visions the glory, delight, and consolation so surpass what is given in others that I am amazed the difference in rejoicing can be so great, even in this life. The difference in a delight and favor God gives in a vision or rapture can be so great that it seems impossible that there could be anything more to desire here below, and so the soul doesn’t desire or ask for any more happiness. Since the time the Lord showed me how great the difference is in heaven between the joy of some and the joy of others, I have seen clearly that also here on earth the Lord has no measure in giving when He is pleased to do so. Thus I wouldn’t want to use any measure in my service of His Majesty and in employing all my life and strength and health to this end. I wouldn’t want to lose through my own fault as much as one tiny particle of greater glory. So I say that if I were to be asked which I prefer, either to bear all the trials of the world until its end and afterward ascend to a little more glory or without any trials to descend to a little bit less, I would very eagerly choose all the trials for a little more of rejoicing in the knowledge of God’s grandeurs; I see that whoever understands Him more loves and praises Him more.
3. I don’t say that were I even in the lowest place in heaven I wouldn’t be very happy and consider myself very fortunate to be there. Since I have deserved the lowest place in hell, the Lord would be showing me great mercy in bringing me to heaven; may it please His Majesty that I go there and that He not look upon my great sins. What I am saying is that if I could and if the Lord gave me the grace to work hard, I wouldn’t want to lose anything through my own fault even if avoiding the loss were at a very great cost to myself. How wretched I am, for with so many sins I had lost everything!
4. It is also noteworthy that in every favor the Lord granted me, whether vision or revelation, my soul gained something; through some visions it gained a great deal. The vision of Christ left upon me an impression of His most extraordinary beauty, and the impression remains today; one time is sufficient to make this imprint. How much deeper it becomes as the Lord grants this favor more often! The benefit I received was most advantageous, and this is what it consisted of: I had a serious fault that did me much harm; it was that when I began to know that certain persons like me, and I found them attractive, I became so attached that my memory was bound strongly by the thought of them. There was no intention to offend God, but I was happy to see these persons and think about them and about the good things I saw in them. This was something so harmful it was leading my soul seriously astray. After I beheld the extraordinary beauty of the Lord, I didn’t see anyone who in comparison with Him seemed to attract me or occupy my thoughts. By turning my gaze just a little inward to behold the image I have in my soul, I obtained such freedom in this respect that everything I see here below seems loathsome when compared to the excelling and beautiful qualities I beheld in this Lord. There is no knowledge or any kind of gift that I think could amount to anything when placed alongside of what it is to hear just one word spoken from that divine mouth; how much more so when the words are so many. I hold that it would be impossible for me (provided the Lord would not permit that, on account of my sins, this impression be erased from my memory) to be so occupied with the thought of anyone that I couldn’t free myself from it by only a slight effort to remember this Lord.
5. I experienced this freedom in the case of one of my confessors. Since I believe that my confessors stand so truly in the place of God, I think they are the ones for whom I feel the most benevolence. Since I am always very fond of those who guide my soul and since I felt secure, I showed them that I liked them. They, as God-fearing servants of the Lord, were afraid lest in any way I would become attached and bound to this love, even though in a holy way, and they showed me their displeasure. This happened after I became so subject to obeying them, for before that I didn’t experience this love. I laughed to myself to see how mistaken they were, although I didn’t always express so clearly how little attached I was to anyone. But I assured them; and as they got to know me better they realized what I owed to the Lord, for these suspicions they had about me always came at the beginning of our acquaintance.
A much greater love for and confidence in this Lord began to develop in me when I saw Him as one with whom I could converse so continually. I saw that He was man, even though He was God; that He wasn’t surprised by human weaknesses; that He understands our miserable make-up, subject to many falls on account of the first sin which He came to repair. I can speak with Him as with a friend, even though He is Lord. I know that He isn’t like those we have as lords here on earth, all of whose lordship consists in artificial displays: they have to have designated times for speaking and designated persons to whom they speak. If some poor little creature has any business matter to take up, what roundabout ways they must go through and what trials and favors it costs them in order to get to speak to this lord! Oh, and if it is with the king! Then, people who are poor or those who don’t belong to the nobility can’t even get near; but they must ask those who are the court minions. And most assuredly these latter are not persons who have trampled the world underfoot, for those who have, speak the truth since they know no fear, nor are they obligated to anyone. Such people are not for the palace, for there you mustn’t speak out but be silent about what appears to be wrong; you mustn’t even dare think about it if you don’t want to fall into disfavor.
6. O King of Glory and Lord of all kings! How true that Your kingdom is not armed with trifles, since it has no end! How true that there is no need for intermediaries with You! Upon beholding Your person one sees immediately that You alone, on account of the majesty You reveal, merit to be called Lord. There’s no need for people in waiting or for guards in order that one know that You are King. Here on earth, if a king were all by himself, he would fail to be recognized. However much he would want to be recognized as king, he wouldn’t be believed; he would have no more to show than anyone else. It’s necessary that one see the reason for believing he is a king, and that is the purpose of these artificial displays. If he didn’t have them, no one would esteem him at all; the appearance of power doesn’t come from him. It is from others that his display of grandeur must come.
O my Lord! O my King! Who now would know how to represent Your majesty! It’s impossible not to see that You in Yourself are a great Emperor, for to behold Your majesty is startling; and the more one beholds along with this majesty, Lord, Your humility and the love You show to someone like myself the more startling it becomes. Nevertheless, we can converse and speak with You as we like, once the first fright and fear in beholding Your majesty passes; although the fear of offending You becomes greater. But the fear is not one of punishment, for this punishment is considered nothing in comparison with losing You.
7. These are the benefits deriving from this vision, besides other great ones it leaves in the soul. If the vision is from God it is known through its effects—when the soul is in light. Since the Lord often, as I mentioned;3 wants it to be in darkness and not see this light, it is not surprising that one as wretched as I be afraid. It happened just now that for eight days it seemed there wasn’t any knowledge in me—nor could I acquire any—of what I owed God, or any remembrance of His favors; my soul was in a terrible stupor and in I don’t know what kind of condition, nor do I know how it got that way. It wasn’t having bad thoughts, but it was so incapable of good thoughts that I laughed at myself. It pleased me to see the weakness of a soul when God is not always working in it. I saw clearly that in this state the soul is not without Him, for this trial is not like the great ones I mentioned I sometimes have.4 But even though the soul puts wood on the fire and does this little it can do of itself, the fire of love does not burn. It is through His great mercy that it sees at least the smoke so as to know that the fire is not entirely dead. The Lord returns to rekindle it. For even though a soul breaks its head in arranging the wood and blowing on the fire, it seems that everything it does only mothers the fire more. I believe the best thing for it to do is to surrender itself completely to the fact that of itself it can do nothing and to become occupied, as I said,5 in some other meritorious works. For perhaps the Lord removes the prayer so that it might undertake these works and come to know through experience how little it can do by itself.
8. Indeed, I took delight in the Lord today and dared to complain of His Majesty, and I said to Him: “How is it, my God, that it’s not enough that You keep me in this miserable life and that for love of You I undergo it and desire to live where everything hinders the enjoyment of You, in that I have to eat and sleep and carry on business and talk with everyone (and I suffer all for love of You, as You well know, my Lord, because it’s the greatest torment for me); how is it that when there is so little time left over to enjoy Your presence You hide from me? How is this compatible with Your mercy? How can the love You bear me allow this? I believe, Lord, that if it were possible for me to hide from You as it is for You to hide from me that the love You have for me would not suffer it; but You are with me and see me always. Don’t tolerate this, my Lord! I implore You to see that it is injurious to one who loves You so much.”
9. These and other things it occurred to me to say, while understanding first how lenient the punishment reserved for me in hell was in comparison with the place I deserved. But sometimes love becomes so foolish I don’t make sense; with my whole mind I make these complaints, and the Lord puts up with it all. May so good a King be praised! We wouldn’t dare say these things to earthly kings! Yet I’m not surprised that one doesn’t dare speak to the king or to his representatives, for there is reason for fear. The world is such that we would have to have longer lives—if some part of our lives is going to be spent in serving God—to learn all the nice points and new rules and practices of etiquette. I bless myself when I observe what is going on. The fact is that when I entered this monastery of St. Joseph I still didn’t know how to live. It’s no laughing matter when there is some carelessness in dealing with people who deserve much more. They, indeed, take it as such an affront that it becomes necessary to show proof of your good intentions, if there is, as I say, some carelessness; even then please God they will believe you.
10. I repeat that indeed I didn’t know how to live. Here is a poor tired soul: it sees how they command her to keep her thoughts always on God and they insist it is necessary to do this in order to free oneself from many dangers; on the other hand it sees it mustn’t miss any fine points in the world’s rules of etiquette lest it become an occasion of temptation to those whose reputations are based on these details. These rules weary me, and I was never done excusing myself, because I couldn’t help—even though I studied the matter—but to make many mistakes. For, as I say, in the world these mistakes are not taken lightly. And is it true that religious who should be held excused in these matters are in fact excused? No, it is not; it is said that monasteries must be schools of etiquette and that these things should be known. I for one certainly cannot understand this. I have thought that some saint said the monastery should be a school for the instruction of those wanting to be courtiers in heaven—and this has all been understood backward. It is right for anyone who cares about heaven to have a continual solicitude about pleasing God and despising the world. It is beyond me how anyone can have so much concern about pleasing those who live in the world by means such as these, which are so changeable. If you could learn the rules once and for all, you could let the matter pass. But just for the titles of address on a letter there’s need for a university chair, so to speak, to lecture on how it’s to be done. For sometimes you have to leave a margin on this side of the page, sometimes on the other; and someone who’s not usually addressed as magnifico must be then addressed as illustrious.
11. I don’t know how it’s all going to end up; even though I’m not yet fifty, I’ve already seen so many changes I don’t even know how to live anymore. What will they do who are now being born and will live for many years? I surely pity spiritual people who are obliged for certain holy reasons to live in the world; it is a terrible cross they must bear with all these rules of etiquette. If you could reach an agreement with everyone and become ignorant in this science and desire that others consider you to be so, you would be freed from a lot of troubles.
12. But what foolishness I’ve got into! Wanting to speak of God’s grandeurs, I’ve ended up speaking about petty worldly things. Since the Lord has granted me the favor to abandon this world, I want to go forth from it. Let those who love such trivial things attend to them. Please God that in the next life, which will be without change, we shall not have to pay for this. Amen.