Deals with some great favors the Lord granted her by showing her certain heavenly secrets, and with other great visions and revelations that His Majesty wanted her to see. Tells of the effects they had on her and of the great profit her soul derived from them.
ONE NIGHT, BEING SO ILL that I wanted to excuse myself from mental prayer, I took my rosary in order to occupy myself in vocal prayer. I tried not to recollect my intellect, even though externally I was recollected in the oratory. When the Lord desires, these devices are of little avail. I was doing this for only a short while when a spiritual rapture came upon me so forcefully that I had no power to resist it. It seemed to me I was brought into heaven, and the first persons I saw there were my father and mother. I saw things so marvelous in as short a time as it takes to recite a Hail Mary—that I indeed remained outside myself; the experience seemed to me too great a favor. I say it lasted a short time, but perhaps it took a little longer; the impression is that the time was very short. I feared lest the experience be some illusion, although it didn’t seem so to me. I didn’t know what to do, because I was very ashamed to go to my confessor about this. I don’t think the shame was from humility, but I thought he would make fun of me and say: Oh, what a St. Paul you are, or a St. Jerome,1 that you see heavenly things! And that these glorious saints experienced similar things made me more afraid. I did nothing but weep a great deal, for I didn’t think there was any basis for my having such an experience. Finally, however much I disliked doing so, I went to my confessor; I never dared to remain silent about such things—however much I regretted having to speak of them—on account of the great fear I had of being deceived. Since he saw I was so anxious, he consoled me very much and said many kind things in order to free me from my troubled feelings.
2. As time went on, it happened—and continues to happen sometimes—that the Lord showed me greater secrets. There is no way in which the soul can see more than what is manifested, nor is this possible; so my soul never saw more than what the Lord wanted to show it each time. What He revealed was so great that the least part of it would have been sufficient to leave me marveling and very proficient in considering and judging all the things of life as little. I should like to be able to explain something about the least of what I came to know; and in thinking about how this can be done, I find that it is impossible. In just the difference between the light we see and the one represented there, although all is light, there is no comparison; next to that light the sun’s brilliance seems to be something very blurred. In sum, the imagination, however keen it may be, cannot paint or sketch what this light is like, or any of the things the Lord gave me knowledge of. He bestows along with this knowledge a delight so sublime as to be indescribable, for all the senses rejoice to such a high degree and in such sweetness that the delight cannot be exaggerated—so it’s better not to say any more.
3. Once, for more than an hour, since it doesn’t seem to me that He left my side, the Lord was showing me admirable things in this way. He said to me: “See, daughter, what those who are against me lose; don’t neglect to tell them.” Ah, my Lord, if Your Majesty doesn’t give them light, what little benefit will what I say bring to those whose deeds blind them! Some persons to whom You have given light will profit from knowing about Your grandeurs; but I don’t think anyone who sees they are revealed to someone as dreadful and wretched as myself will believe me. May Your name and mercy be blessed, because at least in myself I have seen a recognizable improvement. Afterward I wanted to remain in this state always and not return to everyday living, for the contempt that was left in me for everything earthly was great; these things all seemed to me like dung, and I see how basely we are occupied, those of us who are detained by earthly things.
4. Once, when I was with that lady I mentioned, I was ill with heart sickness; as I said my heart trouble was severe.2 although it isn’t now. Since she was very charitable, she gave orders that I be shown some of her jewels of gold and precious stone that were very valuable, especially one of the diamonds that was appraised highly. She thought they would make me happy. Recalling what the Lord has kept for us, I was laughing to myself and feeling pity at the sight of what people esteem. And I thought of how impossible it would be for me, even if I tried, to esteem those things if the Lord didn’t remove from my memory the things He had shown me. In this way the soul has great dominion, so great that I don’t know whether anyone who doesn’t possess this dominion will understand it. It is the detachment proper and natural to us because it comes without labor on our part. God does it all, for His Majesty shows these truths in such a way, and they are so imprinted in the soul, that it is seen clearly we couldn’t acquire them by ourselves in this way and in so short a time.
5. Likewise, little fear of death, which I always feared greatly remained. Now death seems to me to be the easiest thing for anyone who serves God, for in a moment the soul finds it is freed from this prison and brought to rest. I think these raptures in which God carries away the spirit and reveals to it such excellent things are like the departure of the soul from the body, for in an instant these good things are seen all together. Let us omit any word about the pains suffered when soul and body are torn from each other, for little attention should be paid to them. And the death of those who truly love God and have despised the things of this life must be more gentle.
6. These revelations also helped me very much, I think, in coming to know our true country and realizing that we are pilgrims here below; it is a wonderful thing to see what is there and know where we shall live. For if someone has to go to live permanently in another country, it is a great help to them in undergoing the struggle of the journey to have seen that it is a land where they will be very much at ease. These revelations are also a great help for reflecting on heavenly things and striving that our conversation be there; these things are done with ease. Doing them is very beneficial; merely to look toward heaven recollects the soul, for since the Lord desired to reveal something of what is there, the soul concentrates on it. It happens to me sometimes that those who I know live there are my companions and the ones in whom I find comfort; it seems to me that they are the ones who are truly alive and that those who live here on earth are so dead that not even the whole world, I think, affords me company, especially when I experience those impulses.
7. Everything I see with my bodily eyes seems to be a dream and a mockery. What I have already seen with the eyes of my soul is what I desire; and since it is seen as something far away, this life is a death. In sum, the favor the Lord grants to whomever He gives visions like these is extraordinary. They are a great help, especially in bearing a heavy cross; since nothing satisfies the soul, everything causes displeasure. And if the Lord didn’t allow that sometimes the favor be forgotten, even though it again comes to mind, I don’t know how one could live. May He be blessed and praised forever and ever! May it please His Majesty, by the blood His Son shed for me, since He has desired that I understand something of so many great blessings and in some way begin to enjoy them, that what happened to Lucifer, who through his own fault lost everything, may not happen to me. May He because of who He is not allow it, for I have no small fear sometimes; although, on the other hand, and very habitually, God’s mercy makes me feel safe. Since He has freed me from so many sins, He will not want to let me out of His hands to go astray. This I beg Your Reverence always to beg of Him.
8. The favors mentioned are not as great, in my opinion, as the one I shall now speak of, and this for many reasons and on account of the great blessings and remarkable fortitude of soul it left in me; although each favor when looked at in itself is so great it is beyond comparison.
9. One day on the vigil of Pentecost I went to a secluded spot after Mass where I often prayed, and I began to read about this feast in a volume by the Carthusian.3 Reading of the signs beginners, proficients, and the perfect must have in order to recognize whether the Holy Spirit is with them, it seemed to me that by the goodness of God and insofar as I could make out He was not failing to be with me. I praised Him and remembered that once before when I read the passage I really lacked everything; I had realized this very clearly, just as now I understood the opposite about myself. So I knew that what the Lord had granted me was a great favor. Thus I began to consider the place I had merited in hell on account of my sins, and I gave much praise to God because it didn’t seem I recognized my soul by the change I saw. While I was reflecting on this, a great impulse came upon me without my understanding the reason. It seemed my soul wanted to leave my body because it didn’t fit there nor could it wait for so great a good. The impulse was so extreme I couldn’t help myself, and it was, in my opinion, different from previous impulses; nor did my soul know what had happened, nor what it wanted, so stirred up was it. Although I was seated, I tried to lean against the wall because my natural power was completely gone.
10. While in this state I saw a dove over my head. It was very different from doves on earth since it didn’t have earthly feathers, but the wings had little shells that gave off great brilliance. It was larger than a dove. It seems to me I heard the noise it made with its wings. It fluttered about for the space of a Hail Mary. My soul was already in such a condition that in losing itself it lost sight of the dove. The spirit was quieted by so good a guest; for, in my opinion, a marvelous favor like this should have frightened and disturbed it. And when it began to enjoy the guest, the fear was taken away and the joyous quietude began while the soul continued in rapture.
11. The glory of this rapture was extraordinary. I remained for the rest of Pentecost so stupefied and stunned I didn’t know what to do with myself, or how I had the capacity for so great a favor and gift. I neither heard nor saw, so to speak, but experienced wonderful interior joy. I noted from that day the greatest improvement in myself brought about by a more sublime love of God and much stronger virtues. May He be blessed and praised forever, amen.
12. One other time I saw the same dove over the head of a Dominican father,4 except that I think the rays and splendor of the same wings extended much further. It was made known to me that he would draw souls to God.
13. At another time I saw our Lady placing a very white mantle on the presentado, from this Dominican order, of whom I have sometimes spoken.5 She told me that, because of the service he had rendered her in helping toward the foundation of this house, she gave him that mantle as a sign that she would keep his soul spotless from then on and that he would not fall into mortal sin. I am certain that so it was. For a few years later he died, and his death and the life he lived were so penitential, and the death was so holy, that insofar as one can know there is no reason for doubt. A friar who was present at his death told me that before this dying father expired he told this friar about how St. Thomas was with him. He died with great joy and desire to leave this exile. Afterward he at times appeared to me in resplendent glory and told me some things. His prayer had reached such a degree that at the time of his death when he wanted to avoid mental prayer because of his great weakness, he couldn’t on account of his many raptures. He wrote to me a little before he died asking what he should do, because when he finished saying Mass he often went into rapture without being able to prevent it. God in the end rewarded him for the great service he had rendered Him throughout his whole life.
14. I saw some of the wonderful favors the Lord bestowed on the rector of the Society of Jesus whom I have mentioned at times.6 So as not to make this too long I will not put them down here. Once a severe trial came upon him in which he was very persecuted and found himself in deep affliction. One day, while I was hearing Mass, at the elevation of the host, I saw Christ on the cross. He spoke some words of consolation that I was to tell this rector and some other words foretelling what was to come and reminding the rector of what Christ suffered for him and announcing that he should prepare himself to suffer. This gave the rector great consolation and courage, and everything came about afterward as the Lord had told me.
15. I saw great things concerning members of the order (of the whole order together) that this father belonged to, that is, of the Society of Jesus. I saw them in heaven, sometimes with white banners in their hands, and, as I say, other very admirable things about them. Thus I hold this order in great veneration, for I’ve had many dealings with them and I see that their lives are in conformity with what the Lord has made known to me about them.
16. One night while I was in prayer the Lord began to speak some words by which he made me remember how bad my life had been, and these words filled me with shame and grief. Although they were not severe, they caused consuming sorrow and pain. More improvement in self-knowledge is felt from one of these words than would be got from many days of reflection on our wretchedness, for it engraves on us an undeniable truth. He brought before me the extremely vain friendships I had had and told me I should esteem highly the fact that a will that had been as badly occupied as mine should desire to be fixed on Him, and that He would accept it.
At other times He told me I should recall the time when, it seems, I considered it an honor to go against His will. Again, that I should remember what I owed Him, that when I was giving Him the hardest blow, He was granting me favors. If I have some faults, which are not few, His Majesty gives me an understanding of them that, it seems, reduces me to nothing; and since I have many, this happens often. It happened to me that, after having been reprimanded by my confessor, I desired to find consolation in prayer; and found there the true reprimand.
17. To return, then, to what I was saying;7 since the Lord had begun to recall to me my wretched life and since I hadn’t done anything, in my opinion, I wondered, in the midst of tears, if He desired to grant me some favor. It ordinarily happens when I receive some favor from the Lord that I am first humbled within myself so that I might see more clearly how far I am from deserving favors; I think the Lord must do this. After a short while my spirit was so enraptured it seemed to me to be almost entirely out of the body—at least the spirit isn’t aware that it is living in the body. I saw the most sacred humanity with more extraordinary glory than I had ever seen. It was made manifest to me through a knowledge admirable and clear that the humanity was taken into the bosom of the Father. I wouldn’t know how to describe the nature of this, because, without my seeing anything, it seemed to me I was in the presence of the Divinity. My amazement was such that I think for several days I couldn’t return to myself; and it always seemed to me that I went about in the presence of that majesty of the Son of God, although the experience wasn’t the same as when it first happened. This I understood clearly, but the vision is so strongly engraved on the imagination that no matter how short a while it lasts the impression left cannot be removed for some time; and the impression is very consoling and beneficial.
18. I saw this same vision three other times. It is in my opinion the most sublime vision the Lord granted me the favor of seeing, and it bears along with it marvelous benefits. It seems it purifies the soul in an extraordinary way and removes almost entirely the strength of this sensitive part of our nature. It is a great flame that seems to burn away and annihilate all of life’s desires. For even though, glory to God, I didn’t have any desires for vain things, it was made clear to me in this experience how everything was vanity. How vain, how truly vain are the lordships of earth! It is a powerful lesson for raising one’s desires to pure truth. There is impressed upon one a reverence I wouldn’t know how to speak of; for it is very different from the kind we can acquire here on earth. Great fear is caused in the soul when it sees how it dared, or how anyone can dare, to offend so extraordinary a majesty.
19. I have sometimes mentioned these effects of visions as well as other things about them, and I have already said that the benefit can be greater or less.8 The benefit coming from this vision is extremely great. When I approached to receive Communion and recalled that extraordinary majesty I had seen and considered that it was present in the Blessed Sacrament (the Lord often desires that I behold it in the host), my hair stood on end; the whole experience seemed to annihilate me. O my Lord! If You did not hide Your grandeur, who would approach so often a union of something so dirty and miserable with such great majesty! May the angels and all creatures praise You, for You so measure things in accordance with our weakness that when we rejoice in Your sovereign favors Your great power does not so frighten us that, as weak and wretched people, we would not dare enjoy them.
20. What once happened to a peasant could happen to us, and I know that this really happened. He found a treasure that was worth more than his lowly frame of mind was capable of handling, and the possession of it caused such sadness to come upon him that, from pure affliction and worry over not knowing what to do with the treasure, he gradually died. If he hadn’t found it all at once, but if it had been given to him little by little in order to sustain him, since he was poor, he would have lived more happily and it wouldn’t have cost him his life.
21. O Wealth of the poor, how admirably You know how to sustain souls! And without their seeing such great wealth, You show it to them little by little. When I behold majesty as extraordinary as this concealed in something as small as the host, it happens afterward that I marvel at wisdom so wonderful, and I fail to know how the Lord gives me the courage or strength to approach Him. If He who has granted, and still does grant me so many favors, did not give this strength, it would be impossible to conceal the fact or resist shouting aloud about marvels so great. For what will a wretched person, like myself, who is weighed down with abominations and who has wasted her life with so little fear of God, feel when she sees she is approaching this Lord of such powerful majesty and that this Lord desires that the soul behold it? How will a mouth that has spoken so many words against this very Lord be united with that most glorious body, which abounds in purity and compassion? For the love that face shows, so beautiful in its tenderness and affability, makes the soul much more sorrowful and afflicted for not having served Him than does the majesty it beholds in Him cause it to fear. But how could I have experienced twice what I saw and am about to describe?9
22. Certainly, my Lord and my glory, I am about to say that in some way in these great afflictions my soul feels I have done something in Your service. Alas! I don’t know what I’m saying to myself, because almost without my uttering this I’m already putting it down in writing. I find I’m disturbed and somewhat outside myself since I have brought these things back to mind. If this sentiment had come from me, I might truly have said that I had done something for You, my Lord; but since there can be no good thought if You do not give it, there’s no reason to be thankful to myself. I am the debtor, Lord, and You the offended one.
23. Once, while approaching to receive Communion, I saw with my soul’s eyes more clearly than with my bodily eyes two devils whose appearance was abominable. It seems to me their horns were wrapped around the poor priest’s throat, and in the host that was going to be given to me I saw my Lord with the majesty I mentioned placed in the priest’s hands, which were clearly seen to be His offender’s; and I understood that that soul was in mortal sin. What would it be, my Lord, to see Your beauty in the midst of such abominable figures? They were as though frightened and terrified in Your presence, for it seems they would have very eagerly fled had You allowed them. This vision caused me such great disturbance I don’t know how I was able to receive Communion, and I was left with a great fear, thinking that if the vision had been from God, His Majesty would not have permitted me to see the evil that was in that soul. The Lord Himself told me to pray for him and that He had permitted it so that I might understand the power of the words of consecration and how God does not fail to be present, however evil the priest who recites them, and that I might see His great goodness since He places Himself in those hands of His enemy, and all out of love for me and for everyone. I understood well how much more priests are obliged to be good than are others, how deplorable a thing it is to receive this most Blessed Sacrament unworthily, and how much the devil is lord over the soul in mortal sin. It did me a great deal of good and brought me deep understanding of what I owed God. May He be blessed forever and ever.
24. At another time something else happened to me that frightened me very much. I was at a place where a certain person died who for many years had lived a wicked life, from what I knew. But he had been sick for two years, and in some things it seems he had made amends. He died without confession, but nevertheless it didn’t seem to me he would be condemned. While the body was being wrapped in its shroud, I saw many devils take that body; and it seemed they were playing with it and punishing it. This terrified me, for with large hooks they were dragging it from one devil to the other. Since I saw it buried with the honor and ceremonies accorded to all, I reflected on the goodness of God, how He did not want that soul to be defamed, but wanted the fact that it was His enemy to be concealed.
25. I was half stupefied from what I had seen. During the whole ceremony I didn’t see another devil. Afterward when they put the body in the grave, there was such a multitude of them inside ready to take it that I was frantic at the sight of it, and there was need for no small amount of courage to conceal this. I reflected on what they would do to the soul when they had such dominion over the unfortunate body. May it please the Lord that what I have seen—a thing so frightful!—will be seen by all those who are in such an evil state; I think it would prove a powerful help toward their living a good life. All of this gives me greater knowledge of what I owe God and of what He freed me from. I was very frightened until I spoke about it to my confessor, wondering if it was an illusion caused by the devil to defame that soul, although it wasn’t considered to be the soul of someone with a very deep Christian spirit. Truly since the vision was not an illusion, it frightens me every time I think of it.
26. Now that I have begun to speak of some visions of the dead, I want to mention certain happenings in which the Lord in this regard was pleased that I see some souls. I shall mention only a few so as to be brief and because knowing about them isn’t necessary; I mean for anyone’s benefit.
I was told that someone who had been our provincial was dead (although when he died he was in another province). I had had some dealings with him and was indebted to him for some good deeds.10 He was a person of many virtues. As soon as I learned he was dead, I felt much disturbance because I feared for his salvation in that he had been a superior for twenty years. Being a superior is something I am indeed very afraid of since I think having souls in one’s charge involves a lot of danger; with much anxiety I went to an oratory. I offered up for him all the good I had done in my life, which must in fact amount to little, and so I asked the Lord to supply from His own merits what was necessary for that soul to be freed from purgatory.
27. While beseeching the Lord for this as best I could, it seemed to me that person came out from the depths of the earth at my right side and that I saw him ascend to heaven with the greatest happiness. He had been well advanced in years, but I saw him as only about thirty, or even less I think, and his countenance was resplendent. This vision passed very quickly; but I was so extremely consoled that his death could never cause me any more sorrow, although I saw persons who were filled with grief over his loss since he had been generally highly esteemed. The consolation my soul experienced was so great I couldn’t worry about him, nor could I doubt that it was a vision; I mean that it was not an illusion. No more than fifteen days had passed since his death. However, I didn’t neglect to get others to pray for him and to pray myself, except that I couldn’t do so with the eagerness I would have if I hadn’t seen this vision. When the Lord shows some persons to me in this way and afterward I desire to pray for them to His Majesty, it seems to me, without my being able to help it, that doing so is like giving alms to the rich. Afterward I learned—for he died quite far from here—of the death the Lord had given him; it was so greatly edifying, because of the knowledge, tears, and humility with which he died, that it left everyone amazed.
28. One of the nuns in the house who had been a great servant of God had been dead a little more than a day and a half.11 A nun was reciting a reading in the choir from the Office of the Dead, which was being said for the departed soul, and I was standing so as to recite the verse with her. When she was half through the reading, I saw the nun who had died; it seemed to me her soul had come out at my right side just as in the previous case and was going to heaven. This was not an imaginative vision as was the former one, but like the others I mentioned;12 yet this kind is as certain as the imaginative visions.
29. Eighteen or twenty years ago another nun died in the house I was in. She had always been sick and been a very good servant of God, devoted to her choir duties and most virtuous. I thought certainly she would not enter purgatory, because the illnesses she had suffered were many, and that she would have a surplus of merits. Four hours after her death, while reciting the hours of the Office before her burial, I understood she departed from purgatory and went to heaven.
30. While at a college of the Society of Jesus, experiencing the great trials in soul and body I said I sometimes go through,13 I was in such a state that I think I wasn’t even able to receive a good thought. That night a brother from the Society died in that house;14 and while I was praying for him as I could and hearing Mass said for him by another father of the Society, a deep recollection came over me; I saw him ascend to heaven in great glory, and the Lord along with him. By special favor I understood that it was His Majesty going with him.
31. Another friar of our order, a truly very good friar,15 was seriously ill; while I was at Mass, I became recollected and saw that he was dead and that he ascended to heaven without entering purgatory. He died at the hour I saw him, according to what I learned later. I was amazed he hadn’t entered purgatory. I understood that since he was a friar who had observed his vows well the Bulls of the order about not entering purgatory were beneficial to him. I don’t know why I came to understand this. It seems to me it must have been because being a friar doesn’t consist in the habit—I mean in wearing it—but in enjoying the state of higher perfection, which is what it means to be a friar.
32. I don’t want to say anything more about these things, for as I have said there’s no reason for my doing so16—although there are many things the Lord has granted me the favor of seeing. But of all that I’ve seen, I haven’t known any soul that did not enter purgatory, with the exception of the soul of this father and that of the holy Friar Peter of Alcántara and the Dominican father I mentioned;17 In the case of some, the Lord was pleased that I behold the degrees of glory they possess, and he showed me the places assigned to them. Great is the difference that lies between the glory of some and that of others.18