Continues on the same subject, telling of the great favors the Lord granted her. Treats of how He promised to answer her prayers for other persons. Tells of some remarkable instances in which His Majesty granted her this favor.
ONCE WHILE I WAS IMPLORING the Lord to give sight to a person to whom I was obligated and who had almost completely lost his vision, I was very grieved and feared that because of my sins the Lord would not hear me. The Lord appeared to me as He did at other times1 and began to show me the wound in His left hand, and with the other hand He drew out a large nail that had been embedded there. It seemed to me that when the nail was pulled out His flesh was torn out along with it. The sharp pain was clearly evident, and I felt great pity. He told me that He who had suffered that for me should not be doubted, but that in a better way He would do what I had asked Him; that He had promised me there wasn’t anything I might ask Him that He wouldn’t do; that He already knew I wouldn’t ask for anything other than what was in conformity with His glory; and that thus He would do what I was now requesting; that I should consider that even when I wasn’t serving Him there wasn’t anything I asked for that He didn’t grant, and in a better way than I knew how to ask for; that how much more He would grant my petitions now that He knew I loved Him; that I shouldn’t doubt this. I don’t think eight days passed before the Lord gave sight back to that person. My confessor knew of this soon afterward. It could be that this cure didn’t come about because of my prayer; but since I had seen this vision, I felt such certitude that I thanked His Majesty as though the favor had been granted to me.
2. At another time there was a person very sick with a most painful illness, which I won’t name here because I don’t know what kind of illness it was.2 What he suffered for two months was unbearable; the torment was lacerating. My confessor, who was the rector I mentioned above,3 went to see him; he took great pity on him and told me I should by all means go to see him, that since he was a relative of mine I could do this. I went and was moved to such pity for him that I began to beg the Lord insistently for his health. In this experience I saw fully and clearly the favor the Lord granted me; the next day this person was completely cured of that affliction.
3. Once I felt severely troubled because I knew that a person to whom I was very much obligated desired to do something serious against the honor of God, as well as his own; he was already very determined about the matter. My anxiety was so great I didn’t know what to do. It no longer seemed there was any remedy to make him give up the idea. I begged the Lord with all my heart to provide a cure for him; but until seeing this cure I wasn’t able to find any alleviation in my affliction. Being in such a state, I went to a secluded hermitage (for we have them in this monastery); and while in the one with the painting of Christ at the pillar,4 and begging Him to grant me this favor, I heard a very gentle voice speaking to me in a kind of whistling sound. My hair stood on end, for the voice frightened me. I wanted to understand what it was saying; but I couldn’t, because it passed very quickly. When my fear was gone, for it went away quickly, I felt such quiet and joy and interior delight that I marveled that just hearing the sound of a voice could effect so much in the soul; for I heard it with my bodily ears and without understanding a word. In this experience I realized that what I had asked for would be accomplished. As a result it happened that my affliction left me completely even though the prayer was not yet answered; the pain went away just as it would had I seen the prayer answered as it really was afterward. I told this to my confessors, for I then had two who were very learned and were good servants of God.5
4. I knew a person who had resolved to serve God very earnestly and had devoted some days to prayer in which His Majesty granted him many favors. Because of some occasions of sin that he was in, he gave up prayer and did not withdraw from these occasions; and they were indeed dangerous. This pained me deeply since he was a person I loved very much and to whom I owed a great deal. I believe it was more than a month in which I didn’t do anything else but beg God to bring this soul back to Himself. One day, while in prayer, I saw a devil at my side who very angrily was tearing to shreds some papers he had in his hands. This gave me great consolation, for it seemed to me that what I had been asking for had been accomplished. And so it was, for afterward, I learned that this person had made his confession with great contrition and returned to God so sincerely that I hope in His Majesty he will always make progress. May God be blessed forever. Amen.
5. It often happens that our Lord draws souls away from serious sin and also that He leads others to greater perfection because of my beseeching Him. The Lord has granted me so many favors by freeing souls from purgatory and doing other noteworthy things that I would tire myself and tire whoever reads this if I mentioned them all. He has granted much more in regard to the health of souls than He has in regard to the health of bodies. This has become something well known, and there are many witnesses to it. At the beginning it made me very scrupulous because I couldn’t help believing that the Lord granted these favors because of my prayer—setting aside the main fact of His doing them solely out of His goodness. But now there are so many cases, and they are so obvious to other persons, that it doesn’t bother me to believe this. I praise His Majesty—and am embarrassed—because I see that I’m more indebted to Him; the fact that He does this quickens my love and causes an increase in my desire to serve Him. What amazes me more is that I’m unable to ask, even though I want to, for the things the Lord finds unsuitable; I feel so little enthusiasm, spirit, and concern that, however much I want to force myself, it is impossible to ask. Whereas in the case of other things that His Majesty is going to do, I find I can pray for them often, and with great insistence. Even when I don’t have this concern myself, it seems to be put before me.
6. The difference between these two kinds of petition is so great I don’t know how to explain it. In the one case I don’t cease forcing myself to beg the Lord, even though I may not feel that fervor in myself—although the petitions are close to my heart—that I feel for other petitions. I feel like someone whose tongue is tied; although she may want to speak, she cannot; and if she does speak, she does so in such a way that she finds she isn’t understood. In the other case I feel like one who speaks clearly and diligently to someone who is listening very eagerly. In the first case, the petition is made, let us say for now, as it is in vocal prayer; in the other, it is made in sublime contemplation; the Lord so manifests Himself that He makes it known He hears us and is glad we ask this of Him and to grant us the favor. May He be blessed forever who gives so much, and to whom I give so little. For what does one do, my Lord, who doesn’t get rid of everything for You? How I fail, how I fail—and I could say it a thousand times—to get rid of everything for You! There’s no reason on this account to want to live (although there are other reasons), because I don’t live in conformity with what I owe You. How many imperfections I see in myself! What laxity in serving You! Indeed I think sometimes I would like to be without consciousness in order not to know so much evil about myself. May He who is able provide the remedy.
7. While I was in the house of that lady I mentioned,6 where it was necessary to be careful and ever reflect upon the vanity all the things of life bear with them (for I was very much esteemed and praised and was offered many things to which I could have truly become attached, had I looked out for myself), He who has true vision watched so as not to let me out of His hand. . . .7
8. Now that I mention “true vision” I recall the great trials persons whom God has brought to knowledge of the truth suffer in dealing with these earthly things, where so much is covered up, as the Lord once told me—for many of the things I write about here do not come from my own head, but my heavenly Master tells them to me. The things I designate with the words “this I understood” or “the Lord said this to me” cause me great scrupulosity if I leave out even as much as a syllable. Hence if I don’t recall everything exactly, I put it down as coming from myself; or also, some things are from me. I don’t call mine what is good, for I already know that there is nothing good in me but what the Lord has given me without my meriting it. But when I say “coming from me,” I mean not being made known to me through a revelation.
9. But alas, my God, how true it is that even in spiritual matters we often want to understand things through our own very twisted opinion of the truth, just as we also do in worldly things. We think we must measure our progress by the years in which we have practiced prayer and, it even seems, put a measure on Him who gives His gifts without any measure, when He so desires. He can give more to one in half a year than to another in many years! This is something I have seen so clearly in many persons that I’m amazed how we can even stop to consider it.
10. I firmly believe that anyone who has talent in discerning spirits and to whom the Lord may have given true humility will not be deceived in this matter. For such a person judges by the good effects, resolutions, and love; and the Lord gives light that these may be recognized. As a result this person looks at the improvement and progress of souls and not at their age. One person in half a year can gain more than another can in twenty years because, as I say, the Lord gives to whomever He wants and also to whoever is better disposed. I now see some young girls entering this house;8 because God has touched them and given them a little light and love (I mean that after a short while He gives them some gift), they do not wait for Him, or suffer any obstacle in their path, or even remember to eat. On account of Him who they know loves them, they close themselves up forever in a house without income, like someone who doesn’t esteem her life. They give up everything; neither do they want their own will, nor does it even occur to them that they could be unhappy with such enclosure and austerity: together they all offer themselves as a sacrifice to God.
11. How willingly in this regard I give them the advantage over me; I should walk with shame before God! What His Majesty didn’t succeed in doing with me in such a great number of years, from the time I began to practice prayer and He began to grant me favors, He has succeeded in doing with them in three months—with some even three days—after granting them much less than He did me, although He pays them well. Surely they are not unhappy about what they have done for Him.
12. By noting this, I would like us to recall the many years that have passed since we made profession and began to practice prayer, and not to disturb those who in a short time make more progress, causing them to turn back in order to walk at our pace; nor would I want to make those who fly like eagles with the favors God grants them to advance like fettered chickens. But let us fix our eyes on His Majesty; if we see they are humble, give them the rein; the Lord who grants them so many favors will not let them fall from the precipice. They themselves trust in God, for in this way the truth they know through faith benefits them. And is it that we do not trust them but want to measure them by our own measure conformed to our lowly spirits? Not so; but if we don’t attain to the wonderful good effects and resolutions of their experience, let us humble ourselves and not condemn them; without experience one can misunderstand these things. In thinking that we are looking after their progress, we are avoiding and losing this occasion for progress ourselves. For the Lord places this occasion before us so as to humble us and that we might understand what we lack and how much closer to God and more detached these souls must be than are ours since His Majesty draws so close to them.
13. I don’t mean, nor would I want it to be thought that I mean, anything else than that I would prefer a prayer practiced for only a short time and that produced marvelous effects that can be seen at once; for it is impossible without a powerful love to give up everything only so as to please God. Such prayer is better than prayer practiced for many years in which one never, either in the beginning or afterward, succeeds in resolving to do anything at all for God—except some tiny little things, like grains of salt, that have no weight or bulk and could be carried in a sparrow’s beak, and that we do not consider to be a mortification or a great effect of prayer. It’s a pity we even know about some things we do for the Lord and pay attention to them, even though they be many.
I’m this way, and I forget the favors at every step. I do not say that His Majesty, being so good, will not highly regard these little deeds we perform. But I wouldn’t want to pay attention to them or observe that I’m doing them, since they are nothing. Yet pardon me, my Lord, and don’t blame me for having to console myself with something, for I don’t serve You in anything. If I served You in great matters, I wouldn’t be paying attention to trifles. Blessed are those persons who serve You with great deeds! If it were taken into account that I envy them and desire these deeds, I wouldn’t be very far behind in pleasing You; but I’m not worth anything, my Lord. Give me worth Yourself since You love me so much.
14. On one of these days, when a brief from Rome was successfully obtained so that this monastery could exist without an income,9 it happened that I thought the accomplishment had cost me some difficulty. While being consoled in finding that the matter was ended and thinking of the trials I had experienced and praising the Lord for His having desired to make some use of me, I began to consider the things I had undergone. As a matter of fact, in each thing I did that seemed to be worth something, I found many faults and imperfections, and sometimes a lack of courage, and often little faith. For until the present moment, when I see the fulfillment of everything the Lord told me in regard to this house, I never succeeded in definitely believing that what the Lord told me would come about; but neither could I doubt that it would. It happened that often on the one hand the fulfillment seemed to me impossible, while on the other hand I couldn’t doubt it—I mean believe it would not come about. Finally, I discovered that the Lord for His part did everything good and that I did the bad; so I stopped thinking about the matter. I didn’t want to recall it and thereby stumble upon so many of my faults. May He be blessed who when He so desires draws good out of everything, amen.
15. Well, I say that it is dangerous to count the number of years in which you have practiced prayer; even though humility may be present, I think there can remain a kind of feeling that you deserve something for the service. I don’t mean that you don’t gain merit and that you will not be well paid. But I consider it certain that spiritual persons who think that they deserve these delights of spirit for the many years they have practiced prayer will not ascend to the summit of the spiritual life. Isn’t it enough that God take them by the hand to keep them from committing the offenses they did before they practiced prayer, without their wanting, so to speak, to sue God for money? I don’t think it shows profound humility. Indeed, it could; but I consider it audacity. I don’t think that I, who have little humility, would ever have dared to do so. Now it might be that since I have never served, I have never asked; perhaps if I had served, I would desire more than anyone that the Lord repay me.
16. I don’t say that a soul will not grow or that God will not give this increase if its prayer has been humble, but I say that those years of service should be forgotten; for in comparison with one drop of the blood the Lord shed for us, everything we do is disgusting. And if in serving more we become more indebted, what is this we seek? For if we pay one maravedi of the debt, we are given a thousand ducats in return. Let us out of love for God set aside these judgments because they belong to Him. These comparisons are always bad, even in earthly matters; what must they amount to in matters that only God knows about? And His Majesty showed it well when He paid as much to the workers who came last as to those who came first.10
17. I’ve returned so often to write these three folios and so many days have passed—for I have had and now have, as I said, little time11—that I had forgotten what I began to say, which was about this vision. I saw myself standing alone in prayer in a large field; surrounding me were many different types of people. All of them I think held weapons in their hands so as to harm me: some held spears; others, swords; others, daggers; and others, very long rapiers. In sum, I couldn’t escape on any side without putting myself in danger of death; I was alone without finding a person to take my part. While my spirit was in this affliction, not knowing what to do, I lifted my eyes to heaven and saw Christ, not in heaven but quite far above me in the sky; He was holding out His hand toward me, and from there He protected me in such a way that I had no fear of all the people, nor could they harm me even though they wanted to.
18. This vision seems fruitless, but it greatly benefited me because I was given an understanding of its meaning. A little afterward I found myself almost in the midst of that battery, and I knew that the vision was a picture of the world; everything in the world, it seems, bears arms so as to injure the afflicted soul. I’m not referring to those who don’t serve God well, or to honors, property, delights, and other similar things; for it is clear that when you least expect you are ensnared—in any event, all these things strive to ensnare. But I’m referring to friends, relatives, and, what frightens me most, very good persons. I afterward found myself so oppressed by them all, while they thought they were doing good, that I didn’t know how to defend myself or what to do.
19. Oh, God help me! Were I to speak of the different kinds of trials I experienced at this time, even after those I described before, how good would be the counsel to despise everything completely! It was the greatest persecution, it seems to me, of those I had undergone. I say that sometimes I found thyself so constricted on every side that the only remedy I discovered was to raise my eyes to heaven and call upon God. I remembered well what I had seen in that vision. It profited me a great deal so that I didn’t trust very much in anyone, for there is no stable help but in God. The Lord always sent me in these great trials a person on His side to lend me a hand, as He showed me in this vision, who was unattached to anything other than pleasing the Lord. He did this to sustain the little amount of virtue I had to desiring to serve Him. May You, Lord, be blessed forever!
20. Once while very disturbed and troubled, unable to recollect myself and in battle and strife with my own thoughts which were turning to imperfect matters—finding that I didn’t have the detachment I usually do—I feared, since I saw I was so wretched, that the favors the Lord had granted me had been illusions. I experienced, in sum, a great darkness of soul. While I was in this affliction, the Lord began to speak to me. He told me not to be anxious, that in seeing myself in this condition I would understand how miserable I’d be if He withdrew from me, and that there is no security while we live in this flesh. He made me understand how worthwhile this war and strife is that merits such a reward (it seemed to me the Lord took pity on those who live in the world), that I should not think He had forgotten me, that He would never abandon me, but that it was necessary I do what I could. The Lord told me this with comforting compassion, and He said other things by which He showed me His great favor and which there is no reason for me to tell.12
21. His Majesty, showing me deep love, often speaks these words to me: “Now you are Mine, and I am yours.” The words I always have the custom of saying, and I think I say them truthfully, are: “What do I care about myself, Lord, when I care only about You?” These words and gifts make me so extraordinarily embarrassed when I recall what I am (as I have often said;13 I think, and now sometimes tell my confessor) that more courage is necessary to receive these favors than to undergo the severest trials. When they take place, I am almost completely forgetful of my deeds and am shown that I am wretched. This happens without any discursive activity of the intellect, for it also seems to me at times supernatural.
22. On occasion there come over me such ardent desires to receive Communion that I don’t think they could be exaggerated. They came upon me one morning when it was raining so hard it seemed impossible to leave the house. When I was outside the house, I was already so outside myself with the desire for Communion that even should lances have been held to my heart I think I’d have gone into their midst; how much more into the midst of rain. When I reached the church a great rapture came upon me. It seemed to me I saw the heavens open, not just an entrance as I have seen before. A throne was shown to me, which at other times I’ve told Your Reverence I’ve seen;14 and above it another throne where the Divinity was. Although I didn’t see the Divinity, I knew with an indescribable knowledge that It was there. Seemingly some animals were holding up the throne. I think I have heard a description of these animals. I wondered if they were the Evangelists.15 But what the throne was like or who was on it, I didn’t see—only a great multitude of angels. They seemed to me to be incomparably more beautiful than those I had seen in heaven. I wondered if they were seraphim or cherubim because they were very different in glory. It seemed they were afire; the difference is great, as I’ve said.16 And the glory I then experienced in myself cannot be put in writing or described, nor could anyone who hadn’t experienced it imagine what it is like. I understood that everything desirable is brought together there, yet I didn’t see anything. I was told, I don’t know by whom, that what I could do there was understand that I couldn’t understand anything and reflect upon how in comparison with that glory everything else was nothing at all. As a consequence, my soul was afterward ashamed to see that it could be detained by any created thing; how much more if it were to become attached to it, for all things seemed to me like an anthill.
23. I was present at Mass and received Communion, but I don’t know how it was possible. It seemed to me only a short time had passed. I was amazed when the clock struck and I found I had been in that rapture and glory for two hours. It seems this fire comes from above, from God’s true love; for however much I may desire and seek and strive after it, I play no part in obtaining even a spark of it, save when His Majesty so desires, as I have often said.17 I was amazed afterward how this fire, when one is united to it, seems to consume the old man with his faults and lukewarmness and misery. Like the phoenix—according to what I have read18—which after it is burned rises again from the same ashes, so afterward the soul becomes another, with different desires and great fortitude. It doesn’t seem to be what it was before, but begins to walk on the Lord’s path with new purity. While I was beseeching His Majesty that so it would be and that I would begin again to serve Him, He told me: “You have made a good comparison; see that you don’t forget to strive always for improvement.”
24. Once having the same doubt I just mentioned before;19 whether these visions were from God, the Lord appeared to me and said to me severely: “O children of the earth! How long will you be hard of heart?”20 He said that I should examine one thing in myself: whether I was totally surrendered to Him, or not; that if I was, I should believe He would not let me go astray. I became very distressed by that exclamation. In a most tender and comforting way He returned to say I shouldn’t be distressed; that He already knew that for my part I wouldn’t fail to dedicate myself entirely to His service; that everything I wanted would be done (and so what I then begged for was done); that I should behold the love for Him that was growing in me each day; that from this I could see that my experiences weren’t from the devil; that I shouldn’t think God would allow the devil to play such a role in the souls of His servants, or that the devil could give the quietude or clarity of understanding that I experienced. He made me realize that since so many persons, of such quality, told me these visions were from God I would be doing wrong in not believing them.
25. Once while reciting the psalm Quicumque vult 21 I was given so clear an understanding of how there is only one God and three Persons that I was amazed and greatly consoled. It was extraordinarily beneficial to me to have further knowledge of the grandeurs of God and of His marvels. When I think about or discuss the Blessed Trinity, it seems I understand how it is possible; and this gives me great happiness.
26. One day, the feast of the Assumption of our Lady, Queen of Angels, the Lord desired to grant me the following favor; in a rapture He showed me her ascent to heaven, the happiness and solemnity with which she was received, and the place where she is. I wouldn’t be able to describe how this happened. The glory my spirit experienced in seeing so much glory was magnificent. The effects of this favor were great. I was helped in having a deeper desire to undergo difficult trials, and I was left with a longing to serve our Lady since she deserved this so much.
27. While at a college of the Society of Jesus22 and while the brothers in that house were receiving Communion, I saw a very richly made pallium above their heads. I saw this twice. When other persons were receiving Communion, I didn’t see it.