Continues with the same subject, telling of the great favors the Lord granted her. Good doctrine can be deduced from some of these favors; for, in addition to obeying, her main intention, as she said, has been to write about those favors that will be of benefit to souls. With this chapter the written account of her life comes to an end. May it be for the glory of the Lord, amen.
ONCE WHILE IN PRAYER the delight I felt within me was so great that, as someone who is unworthy of such good, I began to think about how I merited rather to be in that place I had seen was reserved for me in hell. For, as I said,1 I never forget the situation I there found myself in. With this reflection my soul began to grow more enkindled and there came upon me a spiritual rapture that I don’t know how to describe. It seemed I was carried into and filled with that majesty I at other times understood. Within this majesty I was given knowledge of a truth that is the fulfillment of all truths. I don’t know how to explain this because I didn’t see anything. I was told without seeing anyone, but I clearly understood that it was Truth itself telling me: “This is no small thing I do for you, because it is one of the things for which you owe Me a great deal; for all the harm that comes to the world comes from its not knowing the truths of Scripture in clarity and truth; not one iota of Scripture will fall short.2 To me it seemed I had always believed this, and that all the faithful believed it. He told me: “Alas, daughter, how few there are who truthfully love me! For if they loved me, I would reveal to them my secrets. Do you know what it is to love Me truthfully? It is to understand that everything that is displeasing to me is a lie. By the beneficial effects this understanding will cause in your soul you shall see clearly what you now do not understand.”
2. And this I have afterward come to realize, may the Lord be praised. For ever since then, that which I observe as not directed toward the service of God seems to me to be such vanity and deception that I wouldn’t know how to describe the manner in which I understand this. Nor would I know how to describe the grief caused me by those who I see are in darkness about this truth, or, along with this, how to describe many other advantages that I shall mention here. The Lord spoke to me a particular word in this rapture by which He showed me extraordinary favor. I don’t know how this came about, because I didn’t see anything; but I was left with a feeling of indescribable good fortune and with the greatest and most authentic fortitude in using all my strength to carry out the least part of Sacred Scripture. It seems to me that no obstacle could cross my path that I wouldn’t overcome.3
3. From this divine Truth, which showed itself to me, there was engraved upon me, without my knowing how or what, a truth that gives me a new reverence toward God; for it gives knowledge of His majesty and power in an indescribable way: I know that this majesty and power are something great. There was left in me a keen desire to speak only those things that are very true, that reach beyond what is dealt with here in the world; and so I began to experience the pain of living in the world. This experience left me feeling great tenderness, consolation, and humility. I think that, without my understanding how, the Lord gave me very much with this favor. I felt no suspicion that it was an illusion. I didn’t see anything, but I understood the great blessing there is in not paying attention to what doesn’t bring us closer to God. I understood what it is for the soul to walk in truth in the presence of Truth itself. Thus the Lord gave me to understand is that He is Truth itself.4
4. All I have mentioned I have come to know sometimes through locutions, at other times without them. Some things I understood more clearly than I understand what is told me in words. I understood extraordinary truths about this Truth, more than if many learned men had taught me. I don’t think they could ever have impressed truth upon me in this way or made me understand so clearly the vanity of this world.
This truth, which I say was given to my understanding, is in itself truth, and it is without beginning or end; all other truths depend upon this truth, just as all other loves depend upon this love, and all other grandeurs upon this grandeur—although this statement is obscure if compared to the clear understanding the Lord wanted me to have. And what power this Majesty appears to have since in so short a time He leaves such an abundant increase and things so marvelous impressed upon the soul! O my Grandeur and Majesty! What are You doing, my all-powerful Lord? Look upon whom You bestow such sovereign favors! Don’t You recall that this soul has been an abyss of lies and a sea of vanities, and all through my own fault? For even though You gave me the natural temperament to abhor the lie, I myself in dealing with many things have lied. How do You bear it, my God? How is such great consolation and favor compatible with one who so poorly deserves this from You?
5. Once while I was reciting with all the sisters the hours of the Divine Office, my soul suddenly became recollected; and it seemed to me to be like a brightly polished mirror, without any part on the back or sides or top or bottom that wasn’t totally clear. In its center Christ, our Lord, was shown to me, in the way I usually see Him.5 It seemed to me I saw Him clearly in every part of my soul, as though in a mirror. And this mirror also—I don’t know how to explain it—was completely engraved upon the Lord Himself by means of a very loving communication I wouldn’t know how to describe. I know that this vision is very beneficial to me each time I remember it, especially after receiving Communion. I was given understanding of what it is for a soul to be in mortal sin. It amounts to clouding this mirror with mist and leaving it black; and thus this Lord cannot be revealed or seen, even though He is always present giving us being.6 And I understood that heresies amount to breaking the mirror; which is much worse than its being darkened. The way in which this is seen is very different from telling about it because it can be poorly described. But it brought me much profit and caused me grief for the times in which through my sins I so darkened my soul that I couldn’t see this Lord.
6. I think this vision is advantageous to recollected persons, in teaching them to consider the Lord as very deep within their souls; such a thought is much more alluring and fruitful than thinking of Him as outside oneself, as I mentioned at other times.7 And some books on prayer tell about where one must seek God. Particularly, the glorious St. Augustine speaks about this for neither in the market place nor in pleasures nor anywhere else that he sought God did he find Him as he did when he sought Him within himself.8 Within oneself, very clearly, is the best place to look; and it’s not necessary to go to heaven, nor any further than our own selves; for to do so is to tire the spirit and distract the soul, without gaining as much fruit.
7. There is one thing I want to advise here, in case someone should experience it. It happens in deep rapture that after the time is past in which the soul is in union (for when it is in union the faculties are totally absorbed, and this doesn’t last long, as I said.)9 the soul remains recollected and cannot yet return to itself in exterior things; but the two faculties, the memory and the intellect, are left almost delirious and mad. This I say happens sometimes, especially in the beginning. I think it proceeds from the fact that our natural weakness cannot bear such spiritual force, and the imagination is weakened. I know that it happens to some persons. I would consider it advisable that they force themselves to stop their prayer at that time and recover at another time what they miss; provided they do not try to regain this all at once, because this state could end up being harmful. And there is experience of such harm and of how fitting it is to consider what our health is capable of.
8. However, experience and a spiritual master are necessary because once the soul has reached those boundaries many things occur about which it is necessary to have someone to talk to. If after one has looked for someone, no one is found, the Lord will not fail; He hasn’t failed me in spite of what I am. I believe there are few who have arrived at the experience of so many things. If there isn’t anyone with experience, there is no remedy at all; because lacking experience, the master will only disturb and afflict the soul. But the Lord will also take this into account. Hence it is necessary, especially in the case of women, to discuss this with one’s confessor, and that he be a qualified one. I’ve said all this before, as well as, perhaps, all that I’m now saying (for I don’t recall well); and I say it now because I find it is very important. There are many more women than men to whom the Lord grants these favors. This I heard from the saintly Friar Peter of Alcántara—and I too have observed it—who said that women make much more progress along this path than men do. He gave excellent reasons for this, all in favor of women; but there’s no need to mention them here.
9. Once while in prayer I was shown quickly, without my seeing any form—but it was a totally clear representation—how all things are seen in God and how He holds them all in Himself. How to put this in writing, I don’t know. But it was deeply impressed upon my soul, and it is one of the great favors the Lord has granted me and one of those that have most embarrassed me and made me ashamed when I recalled the sins I committed. I believe that had the Lord been pleased that I should have seen this before and that those who offend Him should have seen it, neither I nor they would have had the heart or dared to offend Him. I say “it seemed to me,” without being able to affirm that I saw anything; but something must have been seen since I shall be able to draw a comparison.10 But the vision is seen in so subtle and delicate a manner that the intellect probably doesn’t attain to it; or I don’t know how to explain these visions that don’t seem to be imaginative. Some of them must have something of the imaginative. But since the faculties are in rapture they are unable afterward to describe how the Lord is represented there and how He desires that they enjoy Him.
10. Let us say, to make the comparison, that the Divinity is like a very clear diamond, much greater than all the world; or like a mirror, as I said referring to the soul in that other vision.11 except that it is a mirror in so sublime a way that I wouldn’t know how to exaggerate this. And we could say that everything we do is visible in this diamond since it is of such a kind that it contains all things within itself; there is nothing that escapes its magnitude. It was a frightening experience for me to see in so short a time so many things joined together in this diamond, and it is most saddening, each time I recall, to see appearing in that pure brilliance things as ugly as were my sins. It happens that whenever I recall this, I fail to know how I can bear it; as a result I am then left with such shame that I don’t think I know where to hide. Oh, who could explain this to those who commit very indecent and ugly sins, that they might recall that these sins are not hidden and that God is rightly aware of them since they take place squarely in the presence of the Majesty? And we act so disrespectfully in front of Him! I saw how truly hell is deserved through only one mortal sin because one cannot understand how dreadfully serious it is to commit this sin before such awesome Majesty and how far from what He is are things of this sort. So His mercy is seen more clearly since even when we understand all this He bears with us.
11. It made me reflect that if something like this so frightens the soul, what will the day of judgment be like when this Majesty will be shown to us clearly and we shall see the offenses we have committed? Oh, God help me, what blindness this is that I have borne! Many times I have been frightened over this vision of what I have written. Your Reverence should not be surprised about it, but rather about how I can go on living after seeing these things and then looking at myself. May He be blessed forever who has put up with so much from me!
12. Once while I was in prayer with deep recollection, delight, and quiet, it seemed to me I was surrounded by angels and very close to God. I began to beseech His Majesty for the Church. A revelation was given me of the great good that would be done by a religious order in the latter times and of the fortitude with which its members would sustain the faith.12
13. Once while I was praying near the Blessed Sacrament, a saint appeared to me whose order was somewhat fallen. He held in his hands a great book. He opened it and told me to read some large and very legible letters. This is what they said. “In the time to come this order will flourish; it will have many martyrs.”
14. At another time while I was at Matins in the choir, there were shown or represented to me six or seven members—it seems there were that many—of the same order, holding swords in their hands. I think this meant that they will defend the faith. For at another time while I was in prayer, my spirit was carried off to where it seemed to be in a large field in which many were in combat, and those belonging to this order were fighting with great fervor. Their faces were beautiful and very much aglow. They conquered many, throwing them to the ground; others, they killed. It seemed to me this battle was against the heretics.
15. I sometimes saw this glorious saint, and he told me a few things and thanked me for praying for his order and promised to recommend me to the Lord. I’m not naming the orders (if the Lord were pleased that they be known, He would declare them), lest others be offended. But each order, or, rather, each member must strive that through his instrumentality the Lord might make his order so prosperous that it will be of service to God in the extreme need the Church is now in. Happy the lives lost for such a purpose!
16. A person once asked me to beg God to let him know if it would be to the Lord’s service for him to accept a bishopric. The Lord told me after I received Communion: “When he understands in all truthfulness and clarity that real lordship consists in possessing nothing, then he will be able to accept it.”13 With these words He indicated that anyone who is about to receive a prelacy must be far from desiring or wanting it, or at least from striving after it.
17. The Lord granted and continues ordinarily to grant these favors, and many others, to this sinner. It doesn’t seem to me necessary to mention these others, since from what was said my soul can be understood as can also the spirit the Lord has given me. May He be blessed forever who has taken such care of me.
18. Once in comforting me He told me with much love that I shouldn’t be anxious, that in this life we cannot always be in a stable condition, that sometimes the soul will experience fervor and at other times be without it, that sometimes it will have disturbances and at other times have quiet, and again temptations; but that it should hope in Him and not be afraid.
19. One day I was wondering if it was an attachment for me to find satisfaction in being with persons with whom I discuss my soul and whom I love, or with those who I see are great servants of God since it consoled me to be with them. The Lord told me that if a sick person who was in danger of death thought a doctor was bringing about a cure, that sick person wouldn’t be virtuous for failing to thank and love the doctor; that if it hadn’t been for these persons what would I have done; that conversation with good persons is not harmful, but that my words should always be well weighed and holy, and that I shouldn’t fail to converse with them; that doing so is beneficial rather than harmful. This consoled me greatly because sometimes, since conversing with them seemed to me to be an attachment, I didn’t want to talk to them at all.
Always in all matters this Lord counseled me even to the point of telling me how I should behave with the weak and with certain persons. Never does he neglect me.
20. Sometimes I worry because I see I do so little in His service and that I must necessarily take time for a body as weak and wretched as mine, more than I would want. Once I was in prayer, and the hour for going to bed came; I was feeling many pains and had to induce the usual vomiting.14 Since I saw I was so bound to myself and that my spirit on the other hand wanted more time, I got so wearied I began to weep freely and grow distressed. (This has happened not only once but, as I say, often.) It seems to me I became angry with myself in such a way that I then truly hated myself. But usually I know I don’t hold myself in abhorrence, nor do I fail to do what I see is necessary for myself. And may it please the Lord that I do not care for myself more than is necessary, as sometimes I’m afraid I do. This time of which I’m speaking, the Lord appeared to me and greatly comforted me and told me I should suffer and do these things for love of Him because they were now necessary for my life. So I think I was never afflicted afterward, because I’m determined to serve this Lord and my comforter with all my strength; even though He allowed me to suffer a little, He consoled me in such a way that I don’t do anything in desiring trials. So now it seems to me there is no other reason for living than to suffer trials, and this is what I most willingly beg of God. Sometimes I say earnestly to Him; “Lord, either to die or to suffer; I don’t ask anything else for myself.” I am consoled to hear the clock strike, for at the passing away of that hour of life it seems to me I am drawing a little closer to the vision of God.
21. At other times I am in such a condition that I neither feel like living nor have any mind to die, but I experience a lukewarmness and darkness in everything, with many trials, as I’ve said I often do.15 And although the Lord desired that these favors He grants me be publicly known, it has been a comfort to me that they have not been made known through any fault of mine. His Majesty told me some years ago that so it must be, for I was very worried. And up to the present time I have suffered no small amount, as Your Reverence knows, because each one gives them their own interpretation. I took extreme care not to tell anyone but my confessors or persons who, I learned from these confessors, knew about them. And I did this not out of humility but because, as I said,16 it is even painful for me to tell my confessors. Now, glory to God (even though many criticize me, and with true zeal, and others are afraid to talk to me or even hear my confession, and others say numerous things against me), I am bothered very little by it all since I understand that by this means the Lord has desired to provide a cure for many souls (because I have seen it clearly and recall how much the Lord will suffer for only one soul). I don’t know if this public knowledge of these favors is partly the reason His Majesty placed me in this little corner so enclosed,17 where, according to what I thought, I would, as one dead, no longer be remembered. But things haven’t turned out quite as I had wanted, for I am forced to speak to some persons. Yet since I’m not where I can be seen, it seems the Lord has brought me to a refuge which I hope, in His Majesty, will be safe.
22. Since I am among a few holy companions and am not in the world, I observe as though from up high and am really little bothered by what they say or know about me. Moreover, I would like some soul to profit a little by all that can be said about me. Since I have been living in this house, the Lord has been pleased that all my desires converge upon this one desire. And He has given me a kind of sleep in life, or it almost always seems to me that I am dreaming what I see. I am aware in myself of neither happiness nor pain, however great. If certain things do give me either of these, the happiness or pain passes so quickly I marvel, and the feeling left me is that it was like a dream. This is the complete truth; for even though afterward I may want to rejoice over that happiness or be sad about that pain, it is not in my power to do so; just as a prudent person is unable to delight in or grieve over a dream that was had. The Lord has now awakened my soul from that which, because I was not mortified or dead to the things of the world, caused me such feelings; and His Majesty does not want my soul to become blind again.
23. This is the way in which I now live, my Lord and father.18 May Your Reverence beg God that He either take me to Himself or show me how to serve Him. May it please His Majesty that what is here written be of some benefit to Your Reverence, for it was difficult to do on account of the small amount of time I had. But the difficulty will have proved well worthwhile if I have managed to say something that may bring someone to praise the Lord, even if only once; with this I would feel repaid even though Your Reverence then burns it.
24. I wouldn’t want you to do that until the three persons19 known by Your Reverence have seen it, since they are and have been my confessors. If this account of my life is badly done, it will be a good thing if they lose their high opinion of me; if it is done well, they are good and learned men, and I know they will see where it comes from and praise Him who told it through me.
May His Majesty always keep Your Reverence in His hands and make you so great a saint that with your spirit and light you may illumine this miserable woman who has little humility and is very bold in having dared to undertake the task of writing things so sublime. May it please the Lord that I did not err in doing so since my intention and desire was to do what was right and to obey, and that through me He might receive some praise, which is what I have been beseeching Him for many years. Since I do not have the deeds that praise Him, I have dared to recount this dissipated life of mine, although I haven’t spent any more care or time on this account than was necessary to put it in writing and record as clearly and truthfully as I could what has taken place in me.
May it please the Lord, since He is powerful and can hear me if He wants, that I might succeed in doing His will in everything. May his Majesty not allow this soul to be lost, which, with so many artifices, in so many ways, and so often, He has rescued from hell and brought to Himself. Amen.