It is a little more or less than nine months ago that I wrote the above, which is in my own handwriting. Since then, not turning back from the favors God granted me, it seems to me I have received again, insofar as I understand, much greater freedom. Up until now, I thought I needed others, and I had more trust in help from the world. Now, I understand clearly that all this help is like little sticks of dry rosemary and that in being attached to it there is no security; for when some weight of contradiction or criticism comes along, these little sticks break. So I have experience that the true remedy against a fall is to be attached to the cross and trust in Him who placed Himself upon it. I discover that He is the true friend, and through this friendship I find in myself a dominion by which it seems to me I could resist, providing God doesn’t fail me, anyone who might be against me.
2. Though now I understand this truth so clearly, I used to be very fond of being liked. No longer does being liked matter to me; rather, it seems in part to weary me, except in the case of those with whom I discuss my soul or whom I am thinking of helping. For I desire that the former like me so they might bear with me and that the latter do so that they might be more inclined to believe what I tell them about the vanity of everything.
3. In the very severe trials and persecutions and opposition I experienced these past months,2 God has given me great courage; and the greater these trials were the greater was the courage, without my growing tired of suffering. Toward persons who spoke evil of me, not only did I feel I bore no harsh feelings but it seemed to me I gained new love for them. I don’t know how this came about; it was a blessing given by the hand of the Lord.
4. It is usually my nature that when I desire something I am impulsive in my desire for it. Now, my desires bear with them such quiet that when I see them fulfilled I don’t even know if I rejoice. Sorrow and rejoicing, except in matters of prayer, are completely softened in intensity; for I seem like a fool and go around like one for some days.
5. The impulses to do penance that come upon me sometimes, and have come upon me, are great. And if I do penance, I feel it so little on account of that strong desire that sometimes it seems to me—or almost always—that penance is a special favor; although I don’t do much since I am very sickly.
6. It is the greatest pain for me sometimes, and now more extreme, to have to go to eat, especially when I’m in prayer. This pain must be great because it makes me weep a good deal and utter words of distress, almost without being aware of it, which I usually do not do. However great the trials I have experienced in this life, I don’t recall having said these words. I am not at all like a woman in such matters, for I have a robust spirit.
7. I feel in me the greatest desire, more than usual, that God have persons, especially learned men, who serve Him with complete detachment and who are held back by nothing here below; because I see it is all a mockery. Since I’m aware of the great needs of the Church—for these afflict me so much that it seems to me silly to feel sorrow about anything else—I don’t do anything but pray to God for these persons. For I see that one person who is completely perfect would do more good with a true, fervent love of God than many others would with lukewarmness.
8. In matters of faith, I find, in my opinion, that I have much greater fortitude. It seems to me I would stand up alone against all Lutherans in order to make them understand their error. I greatly grieve over the perdition of so many souls. I see many souls that are advanced, for I know clearly God has desired their progress by means of me. And I recognize that through His goodness my soul increases each day in loving Him more.
9. It seems to me that even were I to try to experience vainglory I wouldn’t be able to, nor do I see how I could think that any of these virtues are mine. It wasn’t long ago that for many years I saw myself without any. And now for my part I don’t do anything but receive favors, without serving, but as the most useless thing in the world. So it is that I sometimes reflect how all are advancing but me, that I am not worth anything. Certainly this is not humility but truth. And knowing I am so useless, I sometimes become fearful in thinking I may be deceived. So I see clearly that from these revelations and raptures—for I play no part in them nor do I do anything more to receive them than be a blank tablet—there come to me these benefits. This gives me assurance and makes me more calm. I place myself in the arms of God, and I trust in my desires. For these desires, certainly, I understand are to die for Him and lose all repose, come what may.
10. There come days in which I recall an infinite number of times what St. Paul says3—although assuredly not present in me to the degree it was in him—for it seems to me I neither live, nor speak, nor have any desire but that He who strengthens and governs me might live in me. I go about as though outside myself, and so life is the severest pain for me. And the greatest thing I offer God as a principal service to Him is that, since it is so painful for me to live separated from Him, I desire to live, but out of love for Him. I should like to live with great trials and persecutions. Since I am no good for being of any help to anyone, I should like to be good for suffering so that all who are in the world might receive a little more merit, I mean by a better fulfillment of His will.
11. I haven’t experienced any promise in prayer that I haven’t seen fulfilled, even though the promise may have come many years previously. There are so many things I see and understand about the grandeurs of God, and of His providence, that almost any time I begin to think about it my intellect fails me, as when one sees things that are far beyond one’s ability to understand; and I remain in recollection.
12. God so guards me against offending Him that I am certainly sometimes amazed. For I think I see the great care He takes of me, without my doing hardly anything. I was a sea of sins and iniquities before receiving these favors, and it seemed I was not master of myself in such a way that I could avoid them. The reason I would like this known is that one might have knowledge of the great power of God. May He be praised forever, amen.
13. The account that is not in my own handwriting, the one at the beginning, is the one I gave to my confessor,4 and he copied it for himself without subtracting or adding anything. He was a very spiritual man and a theologian with whom I discussed everything about my soul. And he discussed these matters with other learned men, among whom was Father Mancio.5 They found that none of my experiences was lacking in conformity with Sacred Scripture. This puts me very much at peace now, although I understand that as long as God leads me by this path I must not trust myself in anything. So I have always consulted others, even though I find it difficult.
Remember that all of this must be kept under the secrecy of confession, as I begged Your Reverence.