Material having to do with my conscience and soul. Let no one read it even though I be dead, but give it to the Father Master Gratian.
1. In 1575, during the month of April, while I was at the foundation in Beas, it happened that the Master Friar Jerome Gratian of the Mother of God came there. I had gone to confession to him at times, but I hadn’t held him in the place I had other confessors, by letting myself be completely guided by him. One day while I was eating, without any interior recollection, my soul began to be suspended and recollected in such a way that I thought some rapture was trying to come upon me; and a vision appeared with the usual quickness, like a flash of lightning.
2. It seemed to me our Lord Jesus Christ was next to me in the form in which He usually appears, and at His right side stood Master Gratian himself, and I at His left. The Lord took our right hands and joined them and told me He desired that I take this master to represent Him as long as I live, and that we both agree to everything because it was thus fitting.
3. I remained with very great assurance that the vision was from God. The remembrance of the two confessors I had gone to and followed for a long time and to whom I owed a great deal made me undecided. The remembrance of one especially made me put up strong resistance, since it seemed to me I was offending him; for I had great respect and love for him. In spite of this I felt assurance from the vision that such an action suited me, and also comfort coming from the thought that this going about consulting different minds with different opinions was now to end. For some, by not understanding me, made me suffer very much; although I never gave up any of them until either they moved away or I did, because I thought the fault was mine. Twice more the Lord returned to tell me in different words not to fear since He gave Master Gratian to me. So I resolved not to do otherwise, and I made the proposal within myself to carry out the Lord’s request for the rest of my life, to follow Father Gratian’s opinion in everything as long as it wasn’t clearly offensive to God—and I was certain it would not be; for, according to some things I have heard, I believe he has made the same promise I have made, of doing the more perfect thing in all matters.
4. I was left with a peace and comfort so great I was amazed, and I felt certain the Lord wanted this, for it doesn’t seem to me the devil could give such great peace and comfort of soul. It seems to me I remained outside myself in a way I don’t know how to describe, but each time I recall this vision I again praise our Lord and remember that verse which says, Qui posuit fines suos in pace;1 and I want to be consumed in the praises of God.
It seems to me this promise must be for His glory, and so I again propose never to make a change.
5. The second day of Pentecost, after this resolution, while on our way to Seville, we heard Mass in a hermitage in Ecija2 and remained there for siesta. While my companions were in the hermitage and I was alone in the sacristy there, I began to think of the wonderful favor the Holy Spirit had granted me on the vigil of that feast of Pentecost.3 Great desires came over me to render Him a special service, but I couldn’t find anything that wasn’t done. I recalled that although I had made a vow of obedience, it wasn’t of a kind I could obey with perfection; and the thought came to me that it would be pleasing to the Holy Spirit to promise what I had proposed in regard to the friar, Father Jerome. On the one hand it seemed to me I wouldn’t be doing anything by such a promise, and on the other hand it struck me as something very arduous when I reflected that with superiors you don’t reveal your interior state; and that if you don’t get along well with one superior, there is finally a change, and another one comes along; and that this promise would mean remaining without any freedom either either interiorly or exteriorly throughout Iife.4 And I felt pressed a little, and even very much, not to go through with it.
6. This very resistance that my thoughts caused in my will reproached me. It seemed to me there was already something presenting itself to me that I wasn’t doing for God and which I had always fled. The fact is the difficulty so bothered me I don’t think I did anything in my life, not even in making profession, over which I felt within myself greater resistance, except when I left my father’s house to become a nun. This resistance was the reason I didn’t consider my love for this father; but rather, I then considered the matter as though it regarded a stranger. Nor did I consider his good qualities, but only whether it would be good to make this promise for the Holy Spirit. The doubts that arose as to whether or not it would be of service to God, I believe, caused me to delay.
7. At the end of a period of battle, the Lord gave me great confidence so that it seemed to me I made that promise for the Holy Spirit, and that the Spirit was obliged to give the father light so that he in turn might give it to me. It also seemed I was to recall that it was our Lord Jesus Christ who had given me the light. And at this point I knelt down and promised that for the rest of my life I would do everything Master Gratian might tell me, as long as there was nothing in opposition to God or my superiors to whom I was obliged. It was my intention that this would apply only in serious matters so as to avoid scruples; for example, when I insist with Father Jerome about some trifling thing in regard to his comfort or mine, and he in turn tells me not to speak of it any more. For such insistence implies no lack of obedience or intention to hide knowingly any of my faults or sins. And not hiding these also involves more than what one is obliged to with superiors. In sum, it was my intention to hold him in the place of God, interiorly and exteriorly.
8. I don’t know if I merited, but it seemed to me I did something great for the Holy Spirit, at least all I knew how; and so I remained with great satisfaction and happiness, and I have remained so since then. And although I feared I might be restricted, I was left with greater freedom; and I was more confident our Lord would grant Father Gratian new favors for this service I rendered to God and that I might share in them and receive light in everything.
Blessed be He who created a person who so pleased me that I could dare do this.