Forty years ago this nun took the habit. And from the beginning she has turned her thoughts to the mysteries and the Passion of our Lord and to her sins without ever thinking about supernatural experiences; rather, she has thought about how quickly creatures or things come to an end. And she has spent some periods of the day reflecting on these matters without it even passing through her mind to desire anything more, for her opinion of herself has been such that she has seen that she doesn’t deserve even to think about God.
2. She spent about twenty-two years in this way with great dryness, devoting time also to reading good books. It was eighteen years ago that she began to discuss—about three years before the actuality—her first monastery of discalced nuns which she founded in Ávila. For, as it seemed to her, she began sometimes to receive interior locutions, and she saw some visions and experienced revelations. She never saw anything, nor has seen anything, of these visions with her bodily eyes. Rather, the representation came like a lightning flash, but it left as great an impression upon her and as many effects as it would if she had seen it with her bodily eyes, and more so.
3. She was terrified, for sometimes she didn’t even dare remain alone during the day. Since she couldn’t avoid the experiences no matter how much she tried, she went about terribly afflicted, fearing lest she be deceived by the devil. She began to discuss the matter with spiritual persons of the Society of Jesus, among whom were: Father Araoz2 who happened to go to Ávila, for he was the commissary of the Society of Jesus; Father Francis3 with whom she spoke twice, who had been duke of Gandía; a provincial of the Society, named Gil González,4 who is now in Rome and one of the four counselors; also the present provincial of Castile, although she did not speak so much with him; Baltasar Alvarez,5 who is now rector in Salamanca and who was her confessor for six years; the rector at Cuenca, named Salazar;6 and, not for long, the rector at Segovia, named Santander;7 the rector at Burgos, whose name is Ripalda,8 who was even very unfavorable to her until she talked with him; Doctor Pablo Hernández of Toledo,9 who was a consultant to the Inquisition; and another, Ordóñez,10 who was rector at Ávila. In short, wherever she went she sought out those who were most esteemed.
4. She spoke frequently with Friar Peter of Alcántara,11 and it was he who did a great deal for her.
5. During this time (for more than six years), she was put to the test, shed many tears, and underwent much affliction; and the greater the trials the more favors she received. Often she experienced suspension of the faculties while in prayer, and even outside of it. Many prayers were said and Masses offered that God might lead her by another path, for she had the greatest fear when she was not in prayer, although in all things touching upon the service of God she clearly understood there was improvement, and no vainglory or pride. On the contrary, she felt embarrassed before those who knew about the favors, and regretted speaking about these favors more than she did speaking about her sins; for it seemed to her that her confessors would laugh at her and attribute these favors to the foolish things of women.
6. It was about thirteen years ago, a little more or less, that the bishop of Salamanca went there, for he was the Inquisitor, I believe, in Toledo and had been here.12 For the sake of greater assurance she arranged to speak with him and gave him an account of everything. He told her this whole matter was something that didn’t belong to his office because all that she saw and understood strengthened her ever more in the Catholic faith. For she always was and is firm in the faith, and she experiences the strongest desires for the honor of God and the good of souls. These desires are such that for one soul she would allow herself to be killed many times. Since he saw she was so concerned, he told her she should write to Master Ávila13—who was alive—a long account of everything, for he was a man who understood much about prayer; and that with what he would write her, she could be at peace. She did so, and he replied giving her much assurance. Her account14 was of such a kind that all the learned men who saw it—for they were her confessors—said it was very helpful for information about spiritual things. They ordered her to make a copy and write another little book for her daughters15 in which she could give some counsels, for she was prioress.
7. In spite of all this, she was not without fears at times, and it seemed to her that spiritual people could be deceived as well as she. She wanted to speak with very learned men, even though they might not be given to prayer, for she only wanted to know whether all her experiences were in conformity with Sacred Scripture. And she was sometimes consoled, thinking that even though she may have deserved to be deceived because of her sins, God would not permit so many persons to be deceived since they desired to give her light.
8. With this thought in mind she began to discuss these favors with Dominican Fathers because previous to such experiences she often had these fathers as confessors. The following are the ones whom she consulted. Friar Vicente Barrón16 was her confessor for a year and a half in Toledo, when she was there for a foundation, for he was consultant to the Inquisition and a very learned man. He gave her much assurance. (And all of them told her that since she didn’t offend God and knew she was wretched, she had nothing to fear.) The Master, Friar Domingo Báñez17 (who is now consultant to the Holy Office in Valladolid) was her confessor for six years, and she always kept in contact with him by letter when something new presented itself. She consulted with Master Chaves.18 Besides Friar Domingo Báñez, she consulted Friar Pedro Ibáñez,19 who was then a professor in Ávila and a most learned man; and another Dominican whose name was Friar Garda de Toledo.20 She consulted the Father Master, Friar Bartolome de Medina,21 who has a professor’s chair at Salamanca, and who she knew had a very bad opinion of her because he had heard about these experiences. And she thought he better than anyone would tell her if she were being deceived. She consulted him a little more than two years ago when she came to Salamanca. She arranged to go to confession to him and gave him a long account of everything, and she provided that he see what she had written so that he might understand her life better. He assured her very much—more than all of them—and became her close friend. She also made her confession for a time to the Father Master, Friar Felipe de Meneses,22 when she went to Valladolid for a foundation and he was the prior or rector of that College of St. Gregory. Having heard about these things, he went with great charity to speak to her in Ávila, wanting to know if she was being deceived, and pointing out that if she wasn’t, there was no reason for so much criticism of her; and he was very satisfied. She also took the matter up with a Dominican provincial, named Salinas,23 who was a very spiritual man and a great servant of God; and with another professor, now in Segovia, named Friar Diego de Yanguas,24 who has a truly keen mind.
9. During so many years in which she was subject to those fears, she had the opportunity to consult with others, especially since she went to so many places for foundations. They all tested her because they all wanted to be certain in giving her light; by this light they assured her and were assured themselves.
10. She ever was and ever is subject to all that the holy Catholic faith holds, and all her prayer and the prayer in the houses she has founded is for the increase in the faith. She used to say that if any of her experiences were to induce her to turn against the Catholic faith or the law of God, she would have no need to go in search of proof, for then she would see it was the devil.
11. She never did anything based on what she understood in prayer. Rather, if her confessors told her to do the contrary, she did it immediately, and always informed them about everything. She never believed so decidedly that an experience was from God that, no matter how much they told her it was, she would swear to the fact; although by reason of the effects and great favors that were granted her in some matters, the experience may have seemed to her to be from the good spirit. But she always desired virtues, and this desire she urged upon her nuns, saying that the most humble and mortified would be the most spiritual.
12. What she has written25 she gave to the Father Master, Friar Domingo Báñez, who is in Valladolid. For it is with him that she more often discusses and has discussed these experiences. She thinks he has presented her written account to the Holy Office in Madrid;26 In all of it she submits to the correction of the Catholic faith and of the Church. No one has blamed her, for these experiences are not within anyone’s power; and our Lord doesn’t ask the impossible.
13. Since an account was given to so many because of the great fear she was undergoing, many of these experiences were told around, which was for her an extraordinary torment and cross. She says that this suffering was not caused by humility but by the fear that these things would be attributed to women’s fancy. She went to the extreme of not submitting herself to the judgment of any person who she thought believed that everything was from God, for she feared that then the devil would deceive both him and her. She discussed her soul more willingly with anyone who she saw was more fearful, although it also caused her grief to deal with those who completely despised these experiences—they did so to try her—for some of these seemed to her to be very much from God. And she did not want them to give definite condemnation of the experiences simply because they didn’t see any reason for them. Nor did she want them to act as though everything were from God, for she understood very well that there could be some deception. For this reason it never seemed to her that she could have complete assurance where there could be danger. She tried as hard as she could not to offend God in anything and always to obey. By these two means she thought she could free herself even if her experience were from the devil.
14. From the time she began to receive supernatural experiences, her spirit was always inclined to seek what was most perfect, and it almost habitually had great desires for suffering. In persecutions—for she experienced many—she found consolation and a special love for her persecutors. There was a great desire for poverty and solitude, and to leave this exile so as to see God. Because of these effects and other similar ones, she began to grow calm since it seemed to her that a spirit that left these virtues in her would not be bad. And those with whom she discussed this idea agreed. However, this thought didn’t make her stop fearing; but it did help her to advance with less worry. Never did her spirit persuade her to hide anything, but always to obey.
15. She never saw anything with her bodily eyes, as has been said. But what she saw was so delicate and intellectual that sometimes at the beginning she thought she had imagined it; at other times she couldn’t think such a thing. Nor did she ever hear with her bodily ears—except twice; and these times she didn’t hear what was being said, nor did she know.
16. These experiences were not continual, but only came sometimes when there was a need, as once when she endured for some days certain unbearable interior torments and a disturbing inner fear about whether the devil was deceiving her, as is explained more at length in the account of her life and also of her sins, in which her sins were made public as were her other experiences. That time, her fear made her forget her worth. And while in this indescribable state of affliction, merely by hearing the words within, “It is I, do not be afraid,” the soul was left so quiet and courageous and confident that it couldn’t understand where such a great blessing came from. For neither her confessor nor many learned men with many words sufficed to give her that peace and quiet that were given with these words; nor did these learned men suffice at other times, until she was strengthened by some vision. Without this strength she would have been unable to suffer such great trials, contradictions, and sicknesses, which have been without number. And it happens that she is never without some kind of suffering. There is more and less of it; but ordinarily there are always pains with much other sickness, although since she has been a nun she has been afflicted with more suffering.
17. If some service she renders the Lord or the favors He grants her suddenly come to mind, even though she frequently recalls the favors, she cannot think of them for long as she can of her sins, which are always tormenting her like foul-smelling mud. That she committed so many sins and served God so little must be the reason she is not tempted to vainglory.
18. She was never persuaded concerning any spiritual experience of hers unless it was completely clean and chaste, and there was above all a great fear of offending God our Lord and the desire to do His will in everything. This latter she begs of Him always. And in her opinion she is so determined not to turn from His will that there is nothing her confessors or superiors might tell her about what they think would be of service to God that she would fail to carry out, confident that the Lord helps those who are resolved to render Him service and glory.
19. Relative to this service, she no more thinks of herself or of her own gain than if she did not exist, insofar as she and her confessors understand concerning herself. Everything on this paper is the full truth, and Your Reverence can check with her confessors if you want, and with all the persons who have dealt with her during the past twenty years. Very habitually, her spirit moves her to the praises of God; and she would want everyone to be praising Him even were this to cost her a great deal. That all be praising Him is the source of her desire for the good of souls. And upon seeing how the exterior things of this world are like dung, and how precious the interior are—for the two are incomparable—she has come to have little esteem for the things of the world.
20. The kind of vision Your Reverence asked me about is a kind in which nothing is seen, neither interiorly nor exteriorly, because the vision is not an imaginative one. But without seeing anything, the soul understands who it is—and even where the representation is—more clearly than if it saw the person, except that nothing in particular is represented. It’s as though we were to feel that another is beside us, and because it is dark don’t see that person; yet certainly we know the other is there. However, this comparison is insufficient, for one who is in darkness knows in some way, either by hearing a noise or having seen the person before, that someone is there, or knows it from previous knowledge. Here, there is nothing of this; but without any exterior or interior word, the soul understands most clearly who it is and where He is, and sometimes the meaning. Where these visions come from, or how, the soul doesn’t know; but they happen in this way, and while they last they cannot be ignored. When one of these visions is taken away, no matter how much the soul wants to imagine it as it was, its efforts are to no avail because what it forms is seen to be something imagined and not a presence; for this presence is not in its power to produce. And so it is with all the supernatural experiences. This inability to produce them is why individuals to whom God grants such a favor don’t consider themselves to be anything, for they see that their experience is a gift and that the soul can neither add nor subtract anything. And this leaves the soul with much more humility and much more love of always serving this Lord, so powerful that He can do what we cannot even understand. However much learning one may have, there are things that cannot be grasped.
May He who grants this vision be blessed forever and ever, amen.