These inner spiritual experiences are difficult to speak about, and still more so when one wants to speak of them intelligibly. If this writing were not done under obedience, one would be lucky to succeed especially in matters so hard to explain. But such success makes little difference since these words are destined for one who knows other more foolish things about me.
I beg Your Reverence to realize that in all things I say it is not my intention to think I am stating them correctly, for I could be mistaken. But what I can certify is that I shall not mention anything I have not sometimes, or many times, experienced. Whether what I say is correct or incorrect, Your Reverence may discern and inform me.
2. It seems to me it would be pleasing to Your Reverence if from the beginning I started to deal with supernatural experiences, for there is already understanding of the devotion, tenderness, tears, and meditations we can ourselves, with the help of the Lord, procure here below.
3. The first prayer2 I experienced that in my opinion was supernatural (a term I use for what cannot be acquired by effort or diligence, however much one tries, although one can dispose oneself for it which would help a great deal) is an interior recollection felt in the soul. For it appears that just as the soul has exterior senses it also has other interior senses through which it seems to want to withdraw within, away from the outside noise. So, sometimes this recollection draws these exterior senses after itself, for it gives the soul the desire to close its eyes and not hear or see or understand anything other than that in which it is then occupied, which is communion with God in solitude. In this state none of the senses or faculties are lost, for all are left intact. But they are left that way so that the soul may be occupied in God. And this explanation will be easy to understand for anyone to whom the Lord has granted this prayer; and for those to whom He has not, there will be need at least for many words and comparisons.
4. A very pleasing interior quiet and peace sometimes flow from this recollection, so that it doesn’t seem to the soul it is lacking anything. Even speaking tires it, I mean reciting vocal prayer and meditating. All it wants is to love. This quiet lasts a short while, and even a longer while.
5. From this prayer there usually proceeds what is called a sleep of the faculties, for they are neither absorbed nor so suspended that the prayer can be called a rapture. Although this prayer is not complete union, the soul sometimes, and even often, understands that the will alone is united, and this is known very clearly; I mean it is clear in the soul’s opinion. The will is completely occupied in God, and it sees it lacks the power to be engaged in any other work. The other two faculties are free for business and works of service of God. In sum, Martha and Mary walk together. I asked Father Francis3 if this experience could be deceiving because it puzzled me, and he told me that the experience is a frequent one.
6. When there is union of all the faculties, things are very different because none of them is able to function. The intellect is as though in awe; the will loves more than it understands, but it doesn’t understand in a describable way whether it loves or what it does; there is no memory at all, in my opinion, nor thought; nor even during that time are the senses awake, but they are as though lost, that the soul might be more occupied in what it enjoys. This union passes quickly. By the wealth of humility and other virtues and desires left in the soul, one discerns the great good that comes to one through that favor. But what the union is cannot be described, for even though the soul is given understanding, it doesn’t know how it understands or how to describe it. In my opinion, if this experience is authentic, it is the greatest favor our Lord grants along this spiritual path, at least among the greatest.
7. Rapture and suspension,4 in my opinion, are both the same. But I am used to saying suspension in order to avoid saying rapture, a word that frightens. And indeed the union just described can also be called suspension. The difference between rapture and union is this: the rapture lasts longer and is felt more exteriorly, for your breathing diminishes in such a way that you are unable to speak or open your eyes. Although this diminishing of these bodily powers occurs in union, it takes place in this prayer with greater force, because the natural heat leaves the body, going I don’t know where. When the rapture is intense (for in all these kinds of prayer there is a more and a less), when it is greater, as I say, the hands are frozen and sometimes stretched out like sticks, and the body remains as it is, either standing or kneeling. And the soul is so occupied with rejoicing in what the Lord represents to it that it seemingly forgets to animate the body and leaves the body abandoned; and if the suspension lasts, the nerves are left aching.
8. It seems to me the Lord here wants the soul to understand more of what it enjoys in the union. So some things about His Majesty are usually revealed to it in the rapture. And the effects left in the soul are great, and there is a forgetfulness of self in the desire that so tremendous a Lord and God be known and praised. In my opinion, if the suspension is from God the soul cannot remain without a deep awareness of its inability to do anything there and of its great misery and ingratitude for not having served Him who solely out of His goodness grants it such a wonderful favor. For the feeling and sweetness are so excessive that if the remembrance of them didn’t pass away, all the comparable satisfactions here on earth would ever be nauseating to the soul. As a result, it comes to have little esteem for all the things of the world.
9. The difference between rapture and transport is that in rapture the soul only gradually dies to these exterior things and loses its senses and lives to God. The transport comes swiftly through some knowledge the Lord gives in the soul’s intimate depths that makes it seem to the soul that its higher part is being carried away; for in its opinion this higher part leaves the body. So courage is necessary in the beginning for the soul to surrender itself into the arms of the Lord to go wherever He may want to bring it. Because until His Majesty places it in peace where He desires to bring it (I say “bring it” by which is understood to lofty things), there is certainly need to be determined to die for Him. For the poor soul doesn’t know what that experience is, I mean at the beginning.
10. The virtues, in my opinion, are left much stronger from this experience, for the soul desires and devotes itself more entirely to understanding the power of this great God in order to fear and love Him. Without our being able to resist, He carries the soul away; indeed, as its Lord. It is left with deep repentance for having offended Him, and fright at how it dared to offend such great Majesty, and intense longing that no one offend Him but that all praise Him. I think those extraordinary desires for the salvation of souls, and for taking part in this work, and that God might be praised as He deserves must come from this experience.
11. The flight of the spirit is something I don’t know what to call that rises up from the most intimate part of the soul. I only remember the following comparison, which I put down in that place Your Reverence knows of where these kinds of prayer and others are explained at length;5 and my memory is such that I quickly forget. I think the soul and the spirit must be one, but that like a fire that is great and has been getting ready to start blazing, so the soul, through the readiness it has from God does suddenly begin to blaze and shoot forth a flame reaching high in the air, even though the flame is just as much fire as that which remains beneath. This flame doesn’t cease to be fire just because it rises up. So here in the soul it seems something is produced so suddenly and delicately that it rises up to the superior part and goes wherever the Lord wills. This cannot be explained any further. It seems to be a flight, for I don’t know what else to compare it to. I know it is recognized very clearly and that it cannot be stopped.
12. It seems that that little bird, the spirit, escapes from the misery of the flesh and the prison of this body, and thus it can be more occupied in what the Lord gives it. What He gives is something so delicate and so precious, from what the soul understands, that there doesn’t seem to be any illusion in it or in any of these things when they take place. Afterward there were fears, since the one who received this favor was so wretched that everything seemed to give reason for fearing; although in the interior of the soul there remains a certitude and security that enables one to live, but not to set aside any efforts against being deceived.
13. An impulse is what I call a desire that sometimes comes upon the soul, and even very habitually, without any preceding prayer. But suddenly there comes to it a remembrance of its separation from God, or of some word it hears that refers to this separation. This remembrance is so powerful and has such force sometimes that in an instant the soul seems to be beside itself. It’s as though you were suddenly given some unknown and very painful news, or like a great and sudden shock that takes away the mind’s discursive power to console itself; the mind remains as if absorbed. So it is here, except that the pain serves such a purpose that the soul comes to know that the purpose is worth dying for.
14. The fact is that it seems everything the soul understands then adds to its pain, and that the Lord doesn’t want it to profit in its entire being from anything else. Nor does its will appear to be alive, but it seems to be in so great a solitude and so forsaken by all that this abandonment cannot be described in writing. For the whole world and its affairs give it pain, and no created thing provides it with company, nor does it want any company but only the Creator; and it sees that having such company is impossible unless it dies. Since it must not kill itself, it so dies with the longing to die that there is true danger of death; and it finds itself as though hanging between heaven and earth. It doesn’t know what to do with itself. And from time to time God gives it a knowledge of Himself in a strange and indescribable way so that it might see what it is missing. There is no knowledge on earth, at least of what I have received, equal to this divine knowledge. In the half hour this prayer lasts, there is sufficient time to leave the body so disjoined and the arms so straight that the hands can’t even write; and the pains are most severe.
15. Nothing of this is felt until that impulse passes. The soul has enough to do in experiencing what is happening interiorly. Nor do I believe it would feel heavy bodily torments. Yet it is in possession of its senses, and it can speak and even see—but not walk because the forceful blow of love prostrates it. But unless God gives this impulse nothing is gained even were one to die for it. It leaves the greatest effect and improvement in the soul. Some learned men explain it one way, others another way; none of them condemns it. The Master Ávila wrote me that it was good,6 and so says everyone. The soul understands clearly that this impulse is a great favor of the Lord. Were it very frequent one’s life would not last long.
16. In the ordinary impulse there comes this extremely tender desire to serve God, along with tearful wishes to leave this exile. But since there is freedom for the soul to consider that it is the Lord’s will that it go on living, it is consoled by this thought and offers Him its own life, begging Him that it be for no purpose other than His glory. With this thought the soul can continue on.
17. Another type of prayer quite frequent is a kind of wound in which it seems as though an arrow is thrust into the heart, or into the soul itself. Thus the wound causes a severe pain which makes the soul moan; yet, the pain is so delightful the soul would never want it to go away. This pain is not in the senses, nor is the sore a physical one; but the pain lies in the interior depths of the soul without resemblance to bodily pain. Yet, since the experience cannot be explained save through comparisons, these rough comparisons are used (I mean rough when compared to what the experience is); but I don’t know how to describe it any other way. For this reason these are not things to be written about or spoken of, because it’s impossible to understand them unless one has experienced them. I mention the interior depths this pain reaches, because spiritual sufferings are extremely different from physical ones. From this fact I deduce how much greater the sufferings of souls in hell and purgatory are than what can be understood of them from bodily sufferings here on earth.
18. At other times, it seems this wound of love rises out of the intimate depths of the soul. Its effects are great. And when the Lord does not provide a remedy, there is none, no matter how much the soul strives to procure one. Nor can the soul resist when the Lord is pleased to provide a remedy. These wounds are like some longings for God, indescribably alive and refined. Since the soul sees it is bound in such a way that it cannot enjoy God as it would like, a great abhorrence for the body comes over it. The body seems like a thick wall impeding the enjoyment of what the soul, in its opinion, knows it possesses within itself at that time without the hindrance of its body. Then it sees the great evil that came upon us through the sin of Adam when this freedom was lost.
19. This prayer was experienced before the raptures and great impulses I mentioned. I forgot to say that those great impulses are almost never taken away unless by a rapture and great favor from the Lord, in which He comforts the soul and encourages it to live for Him.
20. Because of some reasons, which would take a long time to list, none of what has been said can be mere fancy. Whether this wound is good or not the Lord knows. One cannot fail, in my honest opinion, to recognize the effects and the improvement it brings to the soul.
21. I see clearly that the Persons of the Trinity are distinct, as I saw yesterday when Your Reverence was speaking with the provincial:7 except I do not see or hear anything, as I already mentioned to you. But there is a strange certitude even though the eyes of the soul do not see. And when that presence is gone, the soul is aware that it is gone. The how of this presence I do not know; but I do know very well that the experience is not imagined. For even though afterward I may try vehemently to represent it again, I cannot; and thus it is with everything written down here insofar as I can understand. For since so many years have gone by, one must have been able to see in order to speak of these things with this certitude.
22. It is true, and Your Reverence should take note of this, that I can easily affirm who I think is the Person who always speaks; of the other Persons, I wouldn’t be able to affirm that they speak. One of them I know clearly has never done so. I have never understood the reason why, nor do I occupy myself any more in asking about what God wants. For it seems to me that then the devil would deceive me; and neither would I ask now, for I would be afraid of that.
23. The first Person, I think, spoke once; but since I do not recall this clearly now, nor what was said, I wouldn’t dare affirm it. Everything is written down in the place Your Reverence knows of and in a much more ample way than it is here, although I don’t know if it is put in the same words.8 Although knowledge is given in a strange manner that these Persons are distinct, the soul understands there is only one God. I don’t recall that it seemed to me our Lord spoke unless in His humanity, and as I already said I can affirm that this experience is not the work of imagination.
24. What Your Reverence says about water, I don’t know; nor have I ever known where the terrestrial paradise is. I have already said I cannot avoid knowing what the Lord gives me knowledge of; I understand because I cannot do otherwise. But I have never asked His Majesty to give me knowledge of anything, for then it would seem to me I had imagined it and that the devil would deceive me. And never, glory to God, did I have a curious desire to know things, nor do I care to know anything more. This was quite a trial to me that without having wanted to know, as I say, I understood; although I think it was a means the Lord made use of for my salvation since I saw I was so wretched. For good people don’t have need of so much in order to serve His Majesty.
25. Another prayer I recall, which comes before the first kind I mentioned, is a presence of God that is not a vision of any kind. But it seems that when and each time (at least when there is no dryness) one wants to pray to God, even though it be vocal prayer, one finds Him.
May it please God to have mercy on me and that I not lose through my own fault so many favors.