Oh, who would be able to explain to your Excellency the quiet and calm my soul experiences! It is so certain it will enjoy God that it thinks it already enjoys the possession of Him, although not the fruition. It’s as though one had given another, with heavily warranted deeds, the promise of a large revenue that that other will be able to enjoy at a certain time. But until then, this latter person enjoys only the promise that he shall have the fruition of this revenue. Despite the gratitude the soul feels, it would rather not rejoice. For it thinks it hasn’t deserved anything other than to serve, even if this service be through much suffering. And sometimes it even seems to it that the period from now until the end of the world would be a short time to serve the one who gave it this possession. Because, to put it truthfully, this soul is no longer in part subject to the miseries of the world as it used to be. For although it suffers more, this is only on the surface. The soul is like a lord in his castle, and so it doesn’t lose its peace; although this security doesn’t remove a great fear of offending God and of not getting rid of all that would be a hindrance to serving Him. The soul rather proceeds more cautiously, but it goes about so forgetful of self that it thinks it has partly lost its being. In this state everything is directed to the honor of God, to the greater fulfillment of His will, and to His glory.
2. Since this is so, it seems to me that in what pertains to the soul’s body and health there is less mortification and more carefulness in eating; and in doing penance, the soul doesn’t have the desires it did. But everything is, it seems, directed toward having the power to serve God more in other things. For as a great sacrifice it offers Him the care it takes of its body, and this care wearies it very much. At times it tests itself in something; but in its honest opinion it cannot do this without harm to its health, and it keeps in mind what its superiors order it to do. In this respect and in the desire it has for its health, a lot of self love must also enter in. But, in my opinion, I think it would make me much happier, and it did make me happier, to perform a lot of penance. When I did so, it at least seemed that I was doing something; and I gave good example, and I didn’t have this trial that comes from not serving God in anything. May Your Excellency discern what might be the best thing to do in this regard.
3. The imaginative visions have ceased, but it seems this intellectual vision of these three Persons and of the humanity of Christ always continues. This intellectual vision, in my opinion, is something much more sublime. Now I understand, as it seems, that those imaginative visions I experienced were from God, for they disposed the soul for its present state. Since it was so miserable and had so little fortitude, God led it as He saw was necessary. In my opinion, when visions are from God they should be greatly prized.
4. The interior locutions haven’t gone away, because when it’s necessary our Lord gives me some advice; and even now in Palencia I would have made a big blunder, although not one involving sin, if it were not for this.2
5. The acts and desires don’t seem to bear the force they used to. Although they are great, much greater is the strength the soul has for doing the will of God and what is for His greater glory. Since it has well understood that His Majesty knows what is fitting for the accomplishment of this, and it is so withdrawn from self-interest, these desires and acts come to an end quickly, and in my opinion they don’t have any force. Hence I sometimes feel fear, although not with pain and disturbance as before, that my soul is in a stupor and that I am doing nothing because I cannot do penance. Acts of desire for suffering and martyrdom and to see God have no force, and I’m usually not able to make them. It seems I live only to eat and sleep and not suffer in anything; and even this doesn’t bother me, although sometimes, as I say, I fear lest I be deceived. But I’m not able to believe that I am, because from all that I discern there doesn’t reign in me any strong attachment to any creature or to all the glory of heaven, but rather to loving this God of ours. This attachment to loving God doesn’t diminish; instead, in my opinion, it increases along with the desire that all serve Him.
6. But besides this love, one thing amazes me: that those interior feelings that were so extreme and used to torment me when I saw souls being lost and I thought about whether some offense was committed against God, cannot be felt by me any longer; although I don’t think the desire that He not be offended is any less.
7. Your Excellency should take note that in all these experiences, present or past, I have not had the power to do anything more, nor do I now; I could serve more if I were not so wretched. But I say that if I were now to strive with great care to desire to die, I wouldn’t be able to. Nor would I be able to make the acts I used to, or feel the suffering over offenses against God, or feel the fears that were so great and that I bore for so many years because it seemed to me I was being deceived. And as a result I no longer have any need to seek out learned men or tell anyone anything. I only need the satisfaction of knowing whether I am going along all right or whether I can do something. I have spoken of this to some with whom I discussed the other things, that is, with Friar Domingo3 and Master Medina4 and some from the Society of Jesus.5 With what Your Excellency might now tell me, I shall put an end to my consultations because of the great esteem I have for you. Consider it carefully for the love of God.
Neither has the knowledge been taken away that some souls whom I’m interested in and that die are in heaven; in the case of others, it has.
8. The solitude that makes one think cannot give that understanding to him who nursed at my mother’s breast.6 The flight into Egypt . . .
9. The interior peace, and the lack of strength that pleasures or displeasures have for taking this peace away in any lasting manner, . . .
The presence of the three Persons is so impossible to doubt that it seems one experiences what St. John says, that they will make their abode in the soul.7 God does this not only by grace but also by His presence, because He wants to give the experience of this presence. It brings with it an abundance of indescribable blessings, especially the blessing that there is no need to go in search of reflections in order to know that God is there.
This presence is almost continual, except when a lot of sickness weighs down on one. For it sometimes seems God wants one to suffer without interior consolation; but, never, not even in its first stirrings, does the will turn from its desire that God’s will be done in it.
This surrender to the will of God is so powerful that the soul wants neither death nor life, unless for a short time when it longs to die to see God. But soon the presence of the three Persons is represented to it so forcefully that this presence provides a remedy for the pain caused by His absence, and there remains the desire to live, if He wills, in order to serve Him more. And if through my intercession I could play a part in getting a soul to love and praise God more, even if it be for just a short time, I think that would matter more to me than being in glory.