4

MY AUNT, for whom I worked, decided to take a trip to the Carmelites of Le Mans, in order to assist at the blessing of a new building and to visit in that convent a Carmelite nun who was very dear to her. My aunt invited me to accompany her on the trip, and I, overcome with joy, pressed my confessor to allow me to profit by this opportunity to realize my hope of becoming a Carmelite nun.

My confessor consented, and gave me a letter of introduction to the Reverend Mother Prioress. He also told me that if the nuns at the Carmel of Le Mans could receive me, I had his blessing to stay there. Leaving with my aunt, we arrived on the eve of the dedication ceremony, and were very well received by the Carmelites there. The following day I assisted at the blessing of the new refectory and cemetery, and also witnessed a ceremony of Investiture scheduled for that day. Because of the dedication ceremony, the ordinary rule governing strict enclosure of the monastery was suspended, and we were therefore allowed to visit inside the cloister. I entered one of the cells and there saw those dear Carmelites, some of whom came from my part of the country. Indeed, nothing could have been more pleasant for me than this visit to Carmel.

Finally, I was privileged to see the Reverend Mother Prioress to whom, on the evening before, I had handed my confessor's letter of introduction, and I told her of my great desire to enter Carmel. But she answered saying that she had been forbidden by the bishop to accept any more postulants because the convent was already too small, and all the cells were filled. I consulted her, nevertheless, about my vocation, telling her about my interior dispositions. After weighing my words, she told me that she felt certain our Lord had chosen me to become a daughter of Carmel, despite my unworthiness. She further explained to me the Rules of the Order and expressed her regrets at not being able to admit me, but as the bishop was absent from the diocese at the time, and she had no way of reaching him to seek a dispensation, she could not receive me. The Prioress then spoke to me in highest terms of praise about the Carmel at Orleans, from which house she herself had come to make the foundation at Le Mans, and urged me to make my application for admittance there.

In the meantime I felt something at the bottom of my heart which made me understand that I had no vocation for the house at Le Mans and now, obliged to return to the world which seemed to me insupportable, I asked my confessor to write to the Carmelites at Orleans about whom the good Mother had spoken to me, or else to the Carmelites at Blois. But he was in no haste to do so. However, since I continued to urge him he must have wearied of me. His evasive answers such as, "We will see," or "God's time has not yet arrived," made me suffer very deeply.

Finally, one day, I made a visit to the chapel of St. Martin. It happened, I believe, to be his feast-day for his relics were exposed for veneration, and I kissed them very fervently. I had already received Holy Communion that morning in his honor, although I had only slight knowledge of the life of this remarkable saint at the time. In fact, I did not even know what parts of France he had evangelized; however, that mattered very little.

Steeped in anguish, I formulated a simple but fervent prayer, which was somewhat as follows: "Oh, my good St. Martin, see how I suffer. I long to give myself to God by embracing the religious life, but nobody wants to help me, or receive me. Oh, I am certain that if only you were now on earth, your charitable heart would be moved with pity at what I endure. You surely would do something for me!"

At last I begged him to receive me in his diocese if he had any Carmelite religious there. Confiding to him all my troubles, I prayed to him, with a heart penetrated with sorrow and confidence.

In spite of my unworthiness, he heard my prayer, for I do not doubt that it is he who obtained for me the grace of entering the Carmelite Convent at Tours, for I never expressed any wish to my confessor to enter the cloister at Tours, since I never even knew that there were any Carmelites there until I was actually received by them, as I will relate later.

Our Lord in the meantime inclining my soul ever more to accept this life of sacrifice in the religious state, conferred on me one day after Holy Communion a vision. As the Divine Saviour gathered the powers of my soul into his divine Heart, it seemed to me that I saw many persons who were linked together with a golden chain, each one carrying a cross. These were, undoubtedly, religious souls because I recognized among them one of my friends who was a nun. It seemed to me that I also was chained together with these souls and I begged our Lord to give me a cross likewise. He then made me understand that it was necessary for me to conform my will to His and to await the accomplishment of His designs with resignation, for this constituted my cross for the present.

"But," He then added, "when you enter religion, I will give you another cross to carry."

This promise remained engraved in my memory so deeply that when I became a postulant at Carmel, finding myself a little sick for a few days, shortly after entering, I said to myself: "Look, maybe this is the cross our Saviour had promised me."

But poor simpleton that I was, this sickness was a mere straw to carry in comparison with the cross which the Saviour was reserving for me after my religious profession. I am convinced now that the Work of Reparation which the Lord later revealed to me was, indeed, the cross He had predicted. I found it in the Sacred Heart of Jesus, for it was in this furnace of love that He did first speak to me of that Work of Reparation which was to cost me so many sighs, so many prayers and so many tears.

Having a great devotion to the Sacred Heart of Jesus, I was always meditating on it, and taught my companions to also honor it. As my sister was still sick, I asked her to have a novena of Masses offered in reparation for the outrages committed against the Heart of Jesus in the Sacrament of His love to obtain her cure, if it were the will of God. She consented, and I had these Masses said in the chapel of the nuns of the Visitation, itself, choosing this particular place because it was to a nun of the Visitation Order that our Lord revealed the Devotion to His Sacred Heart, and also because the main altar in this chapel was especially dedicated to the Sacred Heart of our divine Saviour.

I myself assisted at all these Masses at which I received from our Lord extraordinary favors, an account of which I noted down in writing and submitted it, as always, to my confessor. However, I did not keep a copy of any of these notes for myself, for by now I was concerned in only one thing and that was to correspond with the immense love of our Saviour shown me in His Sacred Heart. The case being such I do not remember all that took place, but I do recall even now that my soul was at that time entirely wrapt in God. I moreover distinctly remember that Our Lord also showed me a cross and explained to me that upon it He crucified all those whom He had espoused to Himself. I do not know whether I was frightened at this but I recall that He then added a few words saying something like this: "Be consoled, my daughter. You will be crucified only after the nails penetrate my flesh before entering yours."

Our Lord wanted, undoubtedly, to tell me by these words that having Himself first undergone the torments of the cross, He had thus lessened their bitterness for His disciples who were destined to carry it after Him.

After this, our Lord for a second time favored me with a special kind of prayer that was truly blissful. However, He made me understand that this grace would be taken away from me, but that later on He would again confer this gift upon me. As far as I can remember I fell into a state of dryness for our Lord made me pass from Thabor to Calvary, according to His pleasure and the needs of my soul. However, since at this period I was better acquainted with the ways of God than I had been during my childhood, I went through this painful trial without sustaining any injury to my soul.

I want now to speak of a certain grace which our Lord conferred on me at this time, which I esteemed more highly than any of the supernatural favors and consolations which it had pleased Him to send me from time to time. In his mercy, the Saviour gave me the grace to practice charity by giving alms, and to allow me to serve several of the poor who were sick, implanting within me a great desire to alleviate their needs. Since I had a small purse of my own with which I was free to do as I pleased without bothering my father, I made money contributions to the poor, telling myself that at one time the poor person was our Lord, and at another time, our Blessed Lady. In the meantime I felt that this Blessed Mother would certainly reward me by finding me a place in her Order of Mount Carmel.

It was providential that at this time there came to live close to our house a young woman who had taken sick shortly after her marriage. In her long-drawn-out sickness I had the grace to help prepare her for her death. I placed a picture of the Blessed Virgin near her bed which, undoubtedly, obtained for her grace in her sad and painful final combat. Being still young, I had not had much experience in the presence of death and this poor sick person whom I encouraged with words of consolation wanted to have me always at her side. However, God sustained and helped me.

One time they sent for me during the night to ask if I thought she was going to die soon. I told her that, indeed, she was in her last extremity and that God would soon call her to Himself. I do not know if it was that night but all of a sudden she was frightened at a certain object which was, undoubtedly, the angel of darkness who came to tempt her in her last agony.

"I see," she said, "a large black cat at the foot of my bed."

As for me, I did not see anything. I then sprinkled her bed with holy water.

"I still see it," she insisted. After that I made a second aspersion and the object was obliged to flee. Then as we all were praying for this good sick person, she expired in front of our eyes, having already received the last Sacraments with edifying dispositions.

And now God permitted that it should devolve on me and a friend of mine to shroud this dead person, which act of charity I found very repugnant. But since there was no other person to render this service our Lord helped me to perform it, although I was very much frightened in the presence of death which I had never before seen so closely.

In this manner our Lord in His mercy gave me a means of atoning for my many sins, which must have been the real cause holding back my entrance into a religious community. But finally, our Lord's good moment was at hand! I began to pray to all the saints to intercede for me and I also had recourse to our holy mother, St. Teresa, of whom my father had a picture in his room. Often when seated at table I would look without stopping at this great saint, and sometimes became more concerned in her than in my dinner.

My father who by now knew that I wanted to be a Carmelite nun would sometimes speak to me about it while we were at dinner. One day he really made me laugh by repeating one of those stories which people in the world like to tell, exaggerating the austerities of Carmelite nuns. Raising the topic of the kind of bed I would be required to sleep in at Carmel, he said: "Dear child, if the sheets of the Carmelites are nailed at the four corners, as some people say, how will you be able to rest or go to sleep in a bed like that?" But such things were the least of my worries.

I was not satisfied with praying to our holy mother, St. Teresa, alone. While reading her life, I jotted down the names of her confessors, spiritual directors, and all the holy persons who had helped her launch her great reform. Of these I composed a litany without even stopping to examine whether they were all canonized. I placed the name of St. John of the Cross the first on this list, followed by others to whom I had most devotion, imploring all these advocates to plead my case and to open for me at last the gates of the Carmelite cloister.

It turned out that they really answered my prayer of confidence in them for it was actually on the Eve of the Feast of All the Saints of Carmel, immediately after first vespers, that they introduced me into the enclosure of the Carmelite monastery which I had so long desired.

But there was yet one last trial awaiting me. My director fell ill and he was unable to hear confessions. I immediately chose another priest to whom I intended to go until my regular confessor would recover. But God was to conduct me through a very extraordinary way, as always. My confessor, now sick, sent for me. When I arrived he made me understand that as long as I did not have anything of a serious nature bothering my conscience I should continue receiving Holy Communion without going to confession. Furthermore he made me understand that as long as through the grace of God I committed only small faults of frailness, he preferred that I should efface these by an act of contrition rather than expose myself by going to another confessor who would not have the grace to direct me and who perhaps would do me more harm than good.

This was all good and well, but how was I, in the meantime, to get on in the one great business of my life, that of entering a convent, unless I had a priest willing and able to undertake arranging the various steps necessary to settle my vocation? Surely, it was out of the question for me to press this poor sick man to interest himself with the matter of my reception into a convent. What then was I to do in the meantime, while he remained sick in bed, became the burning problem that now consumed me who longed to fly over the mountain of Carmel!

It was then that the most Blessed Virgin, my dear Mother, whom I had so much invoked, showed great mercy towards her little servant in spite of my unworthiness. I was inspired to make a pilgrimage to Our Lady of the Pines, who had already obtained for me a very signal favor from heaven. This chapel of Mary was six leagues from Rennes where I lived and it belonged in the parish of St. Didier. Since I knew the priest there very well, and since I also had one of my friends living there, I easily obtained permission to make this pilgrimage to honor Mary. I set out full of confidence, intending to ask this good Mother for the cure of my director as a proof of my vocation, and also to implore her to break my bonds, saying to her:

"Oh, I am like a bird in a closed cage who cannot in spite of every effort find even a little hole through which to escape and to fly away!"

It happened that I met a priest in the coach on my way there. Entering into conversation, I spoke to him about the glories of Mary. Seeing that he listened to me with interest, I went on to tell him about several incidents which showed her power with God, and I also acquainted him with the work of the Arch-Confraternity of the Holy Heart of Mary about which he had never heard. As we parted he assured me that he would on the following Sunday preach to his parishioners about the great graces to be obtained through the holy heart of Mary, which pleased me greatly for the holy Virgin was my delight and I loved to honor her according to my little capacity.

Finally I arrived at St. Didier. Having made my devotions in this church, our Lord, during my thanksgiving, deigned to communicate Himself to my soul, despite my unworthiness, and to speak to me on the topic of my vocation. But in order to make myself clear as to what I am about to report, it seems necessary for me first to mention that there was one particular worry which always asserted itself. I felt that entrance to Carmel might be refused me because my parents, not being rich, could give me only a small dowry of 600 francs.

Therefore, I had already on a certain occasion asked an ecclesiastic whom I knew to be wealthy to assist me, but he expressed his regrets saying that he was not able to oblige me because of certain considerable expenses which he had already incurred.

The supernatural communication which our Lord now conferred on me, which I am about to report, filled me with confidence, for I realized that I had perhaps failed somewhat in this respect towards Divine Providence. I believe that on this occasion He gave me a cross, and then as if to remove my anxiety He said to me: "Is not the vocation which I give you more than the dowry?" He then made me understand that if His infinite mercy had granted me the first grace which was of inestimable price, He was also powerful enough to grant me the second favor which was of much less worth. Our Lord then added: "Go to my Mother. It is through her that I will hear your petition."

Oh, never will I forget this happy promise! Full of faith and hope I continued on my pilgrimage to Mary's shrine which was located a quarter of a league from church. I soon found the miraculous statue of Mary standing in the center of the new chapel presently under construction, which was to replace the older one that had proved too small. With warm devotion, I deposited my small donation into a little box reserved for the offerings of the pilgrims. For nine successive days I made visits to the shrine, reciting the first part of the Rosary as I went there, the second part as I knelt before her statue, and finally the third part of the rosary on my way back. Oh, how I prayed to this good Mother asking her to break my bonds and to cure my confessor so that he would have the strength and energy to undertake the steps necessary to settle me in my religious vocation. I tasted, indeed, great sweetness praying before this consoler of the afflicted, to whom I opened my heart, and found that she was attentive to my pleadings.

Then, too, I received from Mary's divine Son very extraordinary favors during the course of this novena. I regret, however, that I did not preserve for myself a copy of these memoirs because of the glory they would now give to this most holy Virgin. As always, I sent an account of these favors to my confessor. I do remember, however, that on this occasion our Lord gave an explicit order to those concerned that they should, without any further delay whatsoever, attend to the matter of my vocation to the religious life. Writing an exact account of all that passed in my soul, I took this long letter before the statue of the Holy Virgin, asking her to bless it, and to touch the heart of my confessor for whom it was meant.

"Oh, good Mother," I said in simplicity, "I do not wish to spend another winter sewing garments of vanity. I want instead to be praising your divine Son. Behold, I deliver to you the tools of my trade," I added, and then deposited at the foot of her statue my scissors and my needles. At the end, having said everything I could think of to touch her tender heart, I bid her good-bye.

Returning to Rennes I went in search of my confessor whose health, thanks to Mary, was improved. I could see that the letter which I gave him made a deep impression on him, though he tried not to show this. During the week that followed there was ample evidence to indicate that he indeed applied himself wholeheartedly to the matter of my religious vocation, although he did this in secret. At first, appearing to oppose my vocation to Carmel, he suggested that I enter an order of hospital sisters.

What was I to do? So ardent was my desire to leave the world that I would have preferred to enter that order or any other rather than remain outside. I was not acquainted with any houses of Carmelites at all except, of course, the convent at Le Mans which was too crowded to receive me. As to there being any Carmelite convents in the city of Tours or at Morlaix, I had never so much as heard them mentioned.

So retiring to my little oratory where I kept a picture of St. Teresa and of St. John of the Cross I said to them: "Alas, you do not want any part of me!" Then the thought of my insufficient dowry came back to my mind, for our Lord had not forbidden me to think of it. He had only condemned my needless worry. In fact, our Lord had said to me: "Make an effort to enlist some help for yourself, for then heaven will help you."

I, therefore, decided to speak of my vocation and the problem of my dowry to the Vicar General, who had been my confessor once before during a period of two and a half years, when my spiritual life was very lukewarm, and when, undoubtedly, I often gave him cause for annoyance. Although this priest was now seventy-seven years old, his mental faculties were unimpaired and he was able to perform the duties of his ministry like a young priest. Of course, whenever he heard me speak of my wish to be a nun, judging from his reaction I gathered that he did not believe that I had any religious vocation at all. Meeting me casually on the street one day, some time back, he had rather dubiously inquired of me whether I really intended entering a convent. At the time I had evaded his questioning for I was unwilling to discuss the subject of my interior life right in the middle of the street, preferring to wait for a more favorable time and place to give him my confidence.

But as he was quite rich, I decided to ask him to help me with my dowry, and so first recommending this matter to the care of my protectress, the Blessed Virgin, I went one morning in search of this priest, and approached him in the confessional. Here I confidentially disclosed to him all my ardent longings to follow my vocation.

He, in turn, invited me to come to visit him at the rectory that afternoon, and from his manner of speaking I had no doubt but that he intended to put my vocation to a test. I saw all too clearly that he completely ignored the facts in the case, and all that I had confided to him about the multitude of humiliations and tests that had already bowed my poor soul down to the very ground uninterruptedly for five long years.

But steeling myself to the ordeal, I went to pay my visit to the Vicar General in his house where our dear Saviour awaited me that He himself might crown my endless series of probes and tests. Respectfully kneeling at the feet of this venerable priest, I opened the subject of my vocation to him but he at once began to humiliate me in a most unpredictable fashion and with gestures of trying to push me away. It happened that my kneeling posture made me fall on my side, but, our Lord sustaining me with His powerful grace, I remained in that tiresome position, respecting the Will of God in that of His minister. Then taking his breviary, the priest began to read his office.

A while later he gave me the order to rise which I obeyed instantly. But there was yet another test awaiting me here by far more terrible than the first. The details of the mortifying episode that now took place I prefer to pass over in silence at this time for I have already in the past on several different occasions repeated to our Mothers in the cloister a full account of what transpired. This story, indeed, made them all laugh very heartily, for in point of truth it was so ridiculous that it proved very amusing, except of course for me who was the principal actor in the drama.

Let it be emphasized at this point, however, that only eight days had passed since my return from the pilgrimage, and the last time I had seen my director, he seemed to be practically decided to send me to the hospital sisters. I was, therefore, in a painful situation, since it was my ardent desire to live in the desert of Carmel. The spirit of retreat, of silence and of prayer had very much attraction for me, and I realized that if I entered the Order of hospital sisters I would be obliged to carry on active duties of nursing the sick and what was still more repugnant to me, shrouding the dead of whom I had a great fear.

Our good and merciful Lord now soothed my worry, and as He had promised to answer my petition through Mary's intercession He kept His promise. It was now the ninth day since my return from the pilgrimage to Mary's shrine. After receiving Holy Communion, I was overcome with the reality of God's infinite mercy, after which our Lord spoke to me as follows: "My daughter, I love you too much to abandon you any longer to suffer from this perplexity. You will not be a hospital sister. This is only a trial. You will be a Carmelite nun, and in fact, steps are right now being taken towards your reception." After that a very powerful voice repeated several times over and over again: "You will be a Carmelite!"

I believe also that our Lord added: "A Carmelite of Tours," but since I knew of no such place, nor had I ever even heard that there was a community of Carmelites in Tours, I began to fear that all this was perhaps an illusion. This the more so because by now I was quite convinced that my confessor had altogether given up the idea of ever sending me to the Carmelites.

However, since I was obliged by obedience to submit a written account of all supernatural communications to my confessor, writing down our Lord's words to me, I went, as was my custom, to deliver this little letter to my director. But oh, the infinite mercy of God! What was my surprise, when handing my note to the director, I heard him address me in the following words:

"My daughter, I want to tell you that you have just been accepted by the Carmelite nuns of Tours!"

What charming news was this! At last my day of happiness for which I had longed had arrived! Oh, how thankful I felt to our Lord! What gratitude, too, filled my heart for the Blessed Virgin who so promptly answered the prayers I addressed to her during my pilgrimage! For, indeed, it was that letter I wrote at the shrine of Our Lady of the Pines, asking her to bless it, so that I might touch the heart of my confessor for whom it was meant, that turned the tide. I later learned that when my director read that letter, he at once wrote to the Prioress of the Carmelites of Tours, and this Reverend Mother, full of charity, had answered him immediately saying that she would receive me.

But what was also quite remarkable was the fact that this Prioress, having heard that there lived in Rennes a priest who prepared many subjects for the religious life, had planned to write him to ask that he send her a postulant, if any were available. She was consequently very astonished to have a letter from this priest, proposing a postulant, without having written him first.

I now asked myself why our Lord in such a marked manner indicated His choice of Tours, which is sixty leagues from my home town, when there were Carmelites at Nantes and at Morlaix, which were located much closer? When I inquired of my confessor if he had ever had any dealings with the Carmelites of Tours, he told me that he had not. I then asked him if he had ever visited the Tours cloister, for he was accustomed frequently to visit religious houses in his travels. Again he assured me that he had never been at the Tours convent, though he had thought of visiting their house when he was in that city some time ago.

How then did it come about that I should be proposed by my confessor to the Carmel of Tours rather than to the one at Orleans, about which I learned from the Prioress at Le Mans, and about which I pressed my confessor so repeatedly? The answer to the mystery is this—that evidently the great St. Martin had not forgotten the prayer I had addressed to him in his chapel on his feast day where I received Holy Communion in his honor, and where also I had venerated his holy relics. For I begged this saint very ardently to find me a nook in the diocese of which he had been the bishop, if there were any religious of the Carmelite Order there. But there was yet another remarkable sign pointing to St. Martin's intercession in my behalf for by a special stroke of Providence, the Prioress deferring my entrance for two months, I left the city of Rennes on the very feast of St. Martin, being November 11. Is not this proof that evidently the Blessed Virgin whom I had so much entreated during my pilgrimage condescended to arrange all this in connection with St. Martin?

There remained now only the question of my still insufficient dowry for although the Prioress of the Tours Carmel in her selflessness and charity, asked for a modest enough sum as the entrance dowry, still this exceeded very much my small means. As I have already said, although my father was a successful master locksmith and did a prosperous business, he had also to endure many reverses. My elder sister continued to be sick. Furthermore, when my brother who was drafted into the army was unable to afford paying for his replacement by another, my father and my aunts were obliged to raise two thousand francs to defray this expense. For that reason our family found it impossible to give me more than six hundred francs for my dowry.

Then came to pass what our Lord had told me when He said that He who had given me a religious vocation could also provide me with a dowry. Evidently too, the Blessed Virgin wished to reward me for the small gift I made her towards the erection of her shrine. Quite unexpectedly, a young lady whose name was Mary, with whom my director had me practice the virtue of mortification, and who was also being prepared by him for future entrance into a religious community, took it upon herself, as an angel of virtue, to supply generously the sum that was still wanting. And now also the good priest of whom I had already spoken, and who had made me endure such rude treatment at his hands, had the charity to offer me a little gift as well.

I now reflected to see what I could do to show my gratitude to the Blessed Virgin. Truly had our Lord told me: "Address yourself to my Mother for it is through her I will grant your petition," which words I shall always preserve in my memory. I therefore asked permission to return to the holy chapel of Our Lady of the Pines in order to thank Mary for her numberless favors, and thus fulfill the sacred duty of thanksgiving, by making a novena for this intention. Bidding her adieu at the end, I entrusted to her care the new religious state which I was about to embrace, which was to bind me so sweetly to herself and to her divine Son. In all simplicity I had asked her to give me for my spouse her own dear Son, and she consented. My heart had nothing more to desire, except to wait for the happy day of my spiritual nuptials.

Returning to Rennes, I looked forward to the day of my departure. As we were expecting a nun who was to pass through Rennes on her way to Tours, it was planned that I should make the trip under her care. However, she failed to arrive, and as I longed to depart without any delay, my dear father decided to leave work for a few days and himself accompany me on the trip to offer me to the Lord. Nor was it necessary for me to urge this upon him, for he was a man capable of any sacrifice once the Will of God was manifested to him.

It was with joy that I bade farewell to my family and to my country for although I loved them very much and was likewise loved by them, I nourished such a strong desire to serve the Holy Family at Carmel, that this prevented me from feeling any sadness at the thought of separation, otherwise so natural to all of us.

I also went to pay my respects to the confessor who had directed me towards the fulfillment of my religious vocation. He assured me of my perseverance and with great confidence told me that the step I was about to make would settle me permanently. Then fearing that the extraordinary way through which our Lord was leading me might not always be in harmony with community life, he said to me:

"Daughter, try to walk the ordinary common road for indeed when a religious is conducted through extraordinary paths, she is thereby obliged to ask for extraordinary confessors which is not always convenient for a community to do." Finally giving me some useful parting advice, I also received his blessing and thus ended my secular life in the world.