5
ACCOMPANIED by my father, I left Rennes on November 11, 1839, it being the feast of St. Martin, my venerable protector. I reached the city of Tours on November 13, which happened to be the Vigil of the great Carmelite observance called the Feast of All the Saints of Carmel, arriving there about five o'clock in the evening. The special concurrence of dates impressed me as quite significant, for it appeared to me that St. Martin, on whose feast I was granted the grace to leave the world, was in a particular manner presenting me to all the saints of Carmel, since I arrived there on the Vigil of this solemnity. For indeed, I had prayed both to St. Martin and to these Carmelite saints asking them to admit me into their family, and they could not have given me a better proof of their charity towards me than to admit me into Carmel on such a beautiful feast-day.
Having no curiosity to go sight-seeing in the city, as soon as we left the coach, my father proceeded at once to escort me to the Carmelites. Embracing me for the last time, my father gave me his blessing, and with deep emotion told me that only the Will of God could have induced him to offer this sacrifice. Poor father, God shall certainly recompense your admirable resignation to His divine decrees!
Soon the enclosure door of Carmel opened, and my father entrusted me into the hands of a new family who stood at the threshold to receive me. If at that moment I made to God the sacrifice of a good father, our Saviour was in turn now to give me a good mother, who in her charity was to render my soul services of inestimable value. She was the reverend Mother Marie of the Incarnation, who was at that time prioress and also the mistress of novices. It seems to me that while still in the world, our Lord one day made me understand that the mother whom He had destined for me would have special grace to direct me in His ways. This is precisely what came to pass, as by degrees the prioress was given grace to understand my interior, a knowledge which did not penetrate her at once, but which was imparted to her only by degrees later on as God judged it convenient for His glory and for the salvation of my soul.
Having embraced my new sisters, the first thing the Reverend Mother did was to lead me before a statue of Mary, my good Mother, to thank her for admitting me into her holy house of Carmel, and to place myself under her powerful protection. Shortly afterwards it was the hour of recreation and I was invited to sing a few stanzas of a certain hymn. I needed no coaxing, and since I had sung this hymn repeatedly while awaiting the happy day of my entrance to Carmel, I began as follows:
Let us praise God, for I am in a shelter
For which I have sighed a long time;
Here I shall live for God in tranquillity
Far from worldly things, far from worry.
I had memorized about fifteen of these stanzas which I sang with such a gay and merry spirit that the prioress looking on seemed convinced that the little postulant from Brittany had certainly no leanings towards becoming melancholy. And in fact this candid and spontaneous gaiety which was one of my characteristics became for me already sure proof that I had a genuine vocation to Carmel, for I had learned that our holy mother, St. Teresa, said she never wanted persons inclined towards sadness or melancholy to be admitted into the Order.
The following day, on being taken to the choir to assist at the Divine Office, I had quite a ludicrous temptation, the only one which I can remember ever experiencing against my vocation. Seeing the hebdomadary, the chantresses, versiclers and certain other sisters go to the center of the choir at intervals to say a few words in Latin, and to make profound inclinations, and then return to their places only to be followed by others, I was frightened at so much ceremonial. I began to worry that I would never be able to learn how to do this, nor hope to remember when it would be my turn to go to the middle of the choir to perform these rubrics. Therefore, I told myself that it would be best for me to simply pack my small belongings and to return to Brittany. But then how could I do this, I asked myself, since I had but forty francs in my little purse which was insufficient for such a long trip and besides I suddenly recalled I had already turned over even that to the prioress. I therefore resigned myself to wait patiently and to see how things would turn out.
Next I was conducted to the confessional, another disappointment, for I saw there a piece of odd wire placed over the grill, according to custom. I was told that I would be obliged to speak through this to the confessor on the other side, but saying nothing, I decided to be patient again and wait to see how it would work out.
Lastly I was escorted to the novitiate, where I found images of the Divine Infant Jesus and of the Holy Family, the treasured objects of my heart. Soon this Holy Family for whom I had left the world in order to serve It at Carmel, and to whom I was especially devoted, helped me to find everything easy and agreeable. In fact, I felt right from the start as if I had lived at Carmel already many years. I now also experienced the feeling that one receives from God a vocation for a particular house as well as for a particular Order. Having become acquainted with the Carmel of Le Mans, for example, I did not feel called to live in that house, yet on the other hand, as soon as I had entered the Carmel of Tours, I felt that I was where God wanted me to be.
Shortly after entering the religious life, the God of Mercy communicated Himself to my soul and made me understand for what purpose He had called me to Carmel. I now learned from our Lord to hold in great esteem the sublime vocation which I proposed to embrace since its purpose was the glory of God and the salvation of immortal souls.
Until now all of the communications which I had received from our Lord had but one end and that was the sanctification of my own soul. Therefore, until now I had worked only for myself, being charged with the task of pursuing my own spiritual perfection.
However, upon entering Carmel which is devoted to the needs of the Church, the glory of God and the salvation of souls, our Lord now inspired me with the spirit of sacrifice and zeal for the salvation of souls. This was, indeed, sublime virtue and unselfishness, but until then I knew nothing of them.
Our Lord now communicated Himself to me on this subject asking me to make an act of complete self-sacrifice to God for the accomplishment of His designs. This first call of our Lord in which He asked me to offer myself in self-surrender, I still consider as the very basis and foundation of the Devotion of Reparation to His Holy Face, which He was later to reveal to me. However, before our Lord spoke openly to me of the Holy Face Devotion, which He was later to entrust to me, He first waited until my superiors, as it were, gave me their permission to make this act of self-sacrifice to God for the accomplishment of His designs.
This communication of our Lord remained deeply engraved in my soul, but since I did not preserve any written account of it, I can now make it known only in substance. One day after receiving Holy Communion our Lord manifested Himself to my soul. It seemed to me that He was accompanied by an angel. I was then shown a multitude of souls who were falling into hell. Our Lord then said to me that He desired that I offer myself entirely to Him to endure everything He might send me for the accomplishment of His designs. Furthermore, He wanted me to resign whatever merits I might acquire in my new career to Him for this same purpose, that His designs might be fulfilled. At the same time He made me comprehend that He Himself would look after my interests, that He would allow me to share His merits, and that He would Himself become the director of my soul. The angel at His side urged me to consent to so magnificent a proposal, and he seemed envious at my good fortune. He seemed in a fashion to regret not having a body, making me understand that whereas it was possible for me to acquire merit, he was unable to do this. Furthermore, this heavenly spirit told me that if I gave my consent to our Lord's proposal, the holy angels would surround my bed at my death and would defend me from the snares of the demon.
I do not know exactly if our Lord Himself told me that I must first secure my superior's permission before making this special act of self-abandonment, but I do know for certain that although I had a great desire to make this act at once, I did not do so right away, but instead I decided to wait until I could receive the advice of the Mistress who was also the prioress.
Writing down this communication, I handed it to the prioress similarly as I was accustomed to do while in the world with my confessor. Our good mother, who as yet did not know in what way our Lord was leading me, did not place much faith in what her little postulant had written her. In her wisdom, she answered me as follows:
"My child, the act of sacrifice to our Lord which you ask my permission to make is not an ordinary one. Since you are only a postulant, and as yet I have no right over you, I cannot counsel you to make this act. In fact, I do not permit it."
Since I had a very high esteem for obedience, I submitted respectfully to our prudent Mother's judgment. This did not prevent me, however, from feeling heartbroken. Returning to our Lord, I said to Him:
"My good Saviour, You can well see that it is obedience alone that prevents me from doing that which You ask of me. Since You see the very depths of my heart, You know that I give You all that I can give You."
For the time being, our Lord was satisfied with my willingness to obey. Yet during the period that followed He very many times urged me to repeat this same petition to my superiors. Finally, it was only after I had obtained permission to make the Act of complete self-abandonment, that our Lord communicated to me in its entirety the Work of Reparation through the devotion to His Holy Face, of which I will speak later on.
In the meantime our prudent Mother, seeing that her little postulant continued to tell her from time to time that our Lord communicated Himself to her soul, intending no doubt to test her spirit through obedience, to prove whether these communications were genuine, now forbade me to think about any of these favors. In the immediate days that followed I hardly ever heard any interior words at all, and our Lord, as it were, Himself aided me to defer to obedience.
But since I was at this time only an infant in the religious life of Carmel, our Lord now directed me to be entirely devoted to meditating on His Sacred Infancy. He traced out for me in my mind, for each day of the month, a course of devotional exercises intended to honor the Holy Childhood, which I now practiced with much consolation, and I think profit to my soul.
The following is a small extract which will give an idea of the exercises honoring all the mysteries of the Holy Childhood which were outlined for me by the Divine Infant Jesus in my mind:
MONTH OF THE HOLY INFANT JESUS
On the 15th of the month I began by celebrating the feast of the espousals of the Blessed Virgin with St. Joseph. On that day I asked them to accept me as their little house-servant in order that I may have the honor to wait on the Holy Infant Jesus.
The 16th, I dedicated to honoring the mystery of the Incarnation. During the nine following days, that is until the 24th, I adored the Holy Infant Jesus enclosed for nine months within Mary's chaste womb, finally accompanying the Blessed Virgin and St. Joseph on their journey to Bethlehem.
The 25th, I dedicated to celebrating the glorious Birth of the Infant Jesus.
The 26th, I dedicated to adoring the Infant Jesus in union with the shepherds.
The 27th, I dedicated to adoring the Holy Infant circumcised and given the name Jesus.
The 28th, I dedicated to worshiping the Divine Infant in company with the Three Holy Kings.
The 29th, I dedicated to honoring the mystery of the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple.
The 30th, I dedicated to the memory of the Flight of the Holy Family into Egypt.
The 1st to the 7th day of the following month, I dedicated to honoring the Holy Infant Jesus in His land of exile, worshiping His first steps, His first words, His first actions, His purity and His simplicity.
The 8th, I dedicated to celebrating the Return of the Holy Family to Nazareth.
The 9th, I dedicated to contemplating Jesus as He began to work with St. Joseph.
The 10th, I dedicated to honoring the obedience which the Child Jesus rendered to the Blessed Virgin and to St. Joseph.
The 11th, I dedicated to ponder on the loving and affectionate attentions which the Child Jesus extended to His Mother, the august guardian of His Sacred Infancy.
The 12th, I dedicated to honoring the Child Jesus at the age of twelve years, when going with Mary and Joseph to Jerusalem, to celebrate the Paschal festivities, He remained in the Temple for three days, concealing Himself from their tender love.
The 13th, I dedicated to worshiping the Holy Child Jesus in the midst of the doctors of the law, upholding the rights of His Divine Father.
The 14th, I dedicated, finally, to adoring the Divine Child Jesus found in the Temple by Mary and Joseph, and returning in their company to Nazareth where He was subject to them.
In this way was ended the month of the Holy Child Jesus, and on the morrow, which was once more the 15th of the month, I would begin again, celebrating the espousals of Mary and Joseph and so on. I experienced such rare happiness in honoring in the above manner the Holy Family on every successive day of the month, that every day was to me like a feast-day. Moreover, the Child Jesus in union with Whom I performed all my actions, made easy and agreeable whatever I undertook to do.
I, therefore, began to look at myself as a house-servant of the Holy Family. I longed also to be invested with the Holy Habit of Carmel, and I asked the Prioress to grant me this grace in spite of my unworthiness. After six months of postulancy, this grace was granted me on May 21, 1840, in the month consecrated to Mary to whom I was indebted for my beautiful vocation.
On that joyous day when I was given the Holy Habit of the Blessed Virgin of Mount Carmel, I dedicated myself to the Holy Family by writing out a special Act of Consecration which I placed over my heart during the ceremony of investiture.
It read as follows:
ACT OF CONSECRATION TO THE HOLY FAMILY
O Jesus, Mary and Joseph, most holy and illustrious family, deign to accept me today in spite of my unworthiness as your servant, for this is the ardent desire of my heart. I resolve to be faithful to you, and while I am not able at this time to bind myself to your service by making the three vows of religion, accept at least my desires so to practice these vows as if in reality I had made them.
O most Holy Infant Jesus, grant me the favor to be ever submissive to the Holy Ghost and to my Superiors, as You were to the Blessed Virgin and to St. Joseph.
And you, Oh, Holy Mary conceived without sin, who are so beautiful and so pure in the eyes of God, obtain for me the grace never to do anything which might tarnish the beautiful virtue of purity.
And you, Oh, blessed Patriarch, St. Joseph, who practiced holy poverty with such consummate perfection, sacrificing yourself for the Holy Infant Jesus and His Mother, deign by your powerful intercession with God that I may follow your example. Grant that I may love and practice holy poverty until the very last breath of my life so that sacrificing myself in labors for my sisters, I may perform these actions as a pleasure rather than a duty.
Finally, as a proof that you accept me this day as your domestic servant, and that my services are agreeable to you, obtain for me the grace to acquit myself worthily of my duties in connection with the Divine Office, so that I may recite it with attention, respect, love, fervor and devotion, being as fully awake at Matins as though I were in heaven, dazzled by the beauty of God and the splendor of His majesty. AMEN.
Ever since this consecration, I have looked upon myself as being a little domestic of the Holy Family, performing all my actions with the intention of serving them at Nazareth. But there was yet one more ambition that I still had, and this ambition was to become, as it were, a little donkey of the Holy Infant Jesus. I felt that if the royal prophet, King David, could regard himself before God as a beast of burden, I could with much more justice qualify for this title. When I reflected that the Son of God had become, for love of us, so poor that in order to make His triumphant entry into Jerusalem, He was constrained to send His disciples to borrow so poor a mount as a donkey, and that they beggingly spoke for Him, saying: "The Master has need of it," I was so moved that I said to our Lord:
"My Saviour, now that You are in heaven, I want You to have on earth, entirely as Your own, a donkey that will always be at Your side to serve You, and one that You can lead wherever You please. Accept me in this role by conferring this title of donkey on me."
As well as I can remember I was so earnestly desirous of learning whether or not our Lord accepted my offer, that I prayed to the Holy Family for this intention. In addition to praying, I also drew up a practical little plan of my own, taking the following steps of procedure to insure having myself accepted in this new role.
It happened that at this time the professed nuns were making their annual retreat, and the postulants and novices therefore spent their recreation in the novitiate. One evening as we were all gathered before a picture of the Holy Family, launching my thought-out plan, I proposed that we should make of our novitiate a sort of Stable of Bethlehem for the Holy Family, each accepting to serve them as a beast of burden according to whatever lot would fall to us. The proposition was accepted unanimously and it was decided that one would be the donkey of the Holy Infant Jesus, another the ox, another the sheep, and so on. We drew lots and to my unbounded satisfaction, Divine Providence allowed me to become the donkey of the Divine Infant Jesus.
I further proceeded to ask for information about the habits of donkeys in order that I might avoid their faults. As one of the postulants, while yet in the world, happened to have owned a donkey, she was well able to give me all the necessary information on this subject. It turned out, we could not have had a more amusing nor a more innocent recreation. Finally we wrote out some tickets to supply information on our particular choice, and mine read as follows:
"The donkey of the Holy Infant Jesus is both hard-headed and lazy. And although this donkey likes only to walk in narrow paths, yet she is resolved to correct herself and her office henceforth shall be to keep the Holy Infant Jesus warm and to bear Him on His various journeys. In short, she is to render every possible service to the Holy Family."
I was charmed with my new title, but in order to make it authentic, I felt I should secure the Prioress' approbation. I, therefore, begged her to sign my ticket, telling myself that since she represented our Lord, obtaining her signature would signify our Lord's acceptance of me under that title. The entire novitiate therefore proceeded to afford our Reverend Mother an amusing recreation indeed, as we all presented her our tickets. At first she was not too willing to enter into our plan, and to give us her signature, but finally yielding and becoming all things to all, that she might save all, as St. Paul recommends, that is, becoming a child together with her children, she signed our tickets with her initials.
As for myself, I must confess, I had a far-reaching motive in my very serious intention in offering myself to the Holy Infant Jesus for I felt that the signature of the prioress to my little ticket constituted a little contract by which I could proceed to answer that first call of our Lord which He had made me a few days after entering the convent, asking me to make a complete offering of myself to Him, and also to pledge all, even my least merits into His hands for the accomplishment of His special designs.
The truth was that I continually felt myself forcibly drawn to make this act of complete self-abandonment; however, one thing was lacking and that was permission to do so. Now, seeing that our Reverend Mother had signed my little ticket, I began to hope to be able at last to make my little act of sacrifice to the Divine Child Jesus for the accomplishment of His designs. However, to be more sure, I spoke to our Reverend Mother and I asked her if she would consent to give her donkey to the Infant Jesus to do with as He wished. She answered no, instructing me that I should tell this Divine Infant that our Reverend Mother would only lend Him her donkey, but not give it to Him for a while yet.
I was to be refused more than once, for this wise and prudent Mother in her experience could undoubtedly foresee that a perfect Act of Abandonment, such as our Lord desired, for the accomplishment of His special designs, might bring about consequences which my inexperience in the ways of God prevented me from foreseeing. So it was for this reason that the prioress in her wisdom first submitted me to the tests of obedience and the renouncing of my will, to make this poor and miserable instrument more manageable and yielding before allowing her to be offered to our Lord. I was therefore obliged to tell the Holy Child Jesus that our Reverend Mother merely loaned me to Him as His donkey. Presenting myself to Him in this new role through the hands of Mary and Joseph, I believe my act of simplicity was agreeable to the Divine Infant for He began to wield a new power over my soul, directing it in His ways. This was, indeed, the fulfillment of one of His promises which He had made me on entering Carmel. I considered my soul as being the poor stable of Bethlehem, and contemplating the Holy Infant dwelling in my heart, I adored Him there in union with Mary and Joseph, offering myself to Him as His little house-servant. During prayer I considered myself to be His donkey, warming Him with my love. Then again as I went through the convent doing such manual work as had been assigned to me, I imagined myself in the house of Nazareth, working for the Holy Family.
But the devil who is so proud was, undoubtedly, jealous at seeing me so taken up with honoring the humiliations of the Infancy of the Word Incarnate, and one day after I had performed an action which must have proved very displeasing to him, he tried to revenge himself upon me. That night, after I had retired and was, I believe, about to fall asleep, I felt suddenly on my head what seemed like a huge beast wanting to smother me. Instantly, I experienced an interior warning that this was the demon. As I felt his claws sink into my head, I called on the Blessed Virgin with all my strength, asking her to come to my help, and saw that at the sacred name of Mary, he took flight. Then I began to pray and as well as I can recall, I began to sing those adorable words so terrible to the demon, "And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us," in spite of the fact that it was our time of strict silence. Although I did not see him with the eyes of my body, since he crouched himself on top of my head, I was beside myself with fright, for I was inwardly convinced that this was no mere dream, but that it was the demon attempting to smother the donkey of the Divine Infant Jesus, but the Holy Virgin came to its help.