7

AS TIME went on, I still felt myself interiorly very much pressed by our Lord to make that Act of complete abandonment of myself for the accomplishment of His designs. However, as yet I had not succeeded in obtaining my superior's permission to make this Act. In 1843, however, Providence presented me with an opportunity to reiterate my petition for this favor. The case was as follows:

There was question of our leaving the old convent and trying to find a good location for a new monastery. Reverend Mother, being deeply concerned over the project, asked me to pray to the Holy Infant Jesus and ask Him to give us a suitable piece of ground on which to build our new convent. Praying, I asked for this favor as I was told to do, but the Divine Child answered me in the center of my heart, saying: "Give me first the ground of your soul!"

I understood perfectly what our Divine Saviour meant. He, too, had in mind the construction of a certain edifice which He wished to build to the glory of His Eternal Father, and He had a long time ago chosen the poor ground of my soul for this project so that His designs might be accomplished, in spite of my unworthiness. The fact that He should choose so miserable an instrument as myself was meant to redound finally to His own greater glory.

I now went in search of Reverend Mother and finding her I soon learned from the many things she told me that she was depressed with many worries over the new building project being contemplated. Seeing her anxiety, I felt that she could stand a bit of recreation and therefore I attempted to amuse her with a bit of humorous conversation which soon made her laugh heartily.

"Reverend Mother," I said to her, "When people find themselves without any money in their house, and wish to raise some in a hurry, do you know what they do? Why, they sell their beast of burden. And therefore, I am convinced that if you would decide to sell me to the Holy Infant Jesus He would pay you so well that you would have enough money to build your monastery."

Although Reverend Mother seemed very amused at my proposal, I would not allow her to laugh it off merely so I insisted:

"Look, Mother, I know I am not worth much, but since the Holy Infant Jesus wants me, and since He asks for me, He will most certainly pay the purchase price."

I was simply charmed by the idea of being able to sell myself for our Lord who, I reflected, for love of me had allowed Himself to be sold by Judas, and therefore I pressed Reverend Mother as follows:

"Mother, what price will you ask for me?"

The prioress hearing me speak so earnestly on this matter, began no doubt to realize that our Lord might have some designs in inspiring me so deeply to make this unusual petition. Assuming an attitude of seriousness, she now answered:

"Very well, my child, go and tell the Divine Infant that if I were rich, I would give you to Him outright. But since I am poor and am presently in great need of money in order to build His holy house, I find myself obliged to sell you. Ask Him, therefore, to purchase you."

This reply gave me a great deal of pleasure. Addressing myself prayerfully to the Holy Child Jesus, I gave him Reverend Mother's message and begged Him to purchase me in order that I might become entirely His property according to His will.

One night shortly thereafter, while I was at prayer warmly presenting Him with the love of the shepherds, the magi and other saints who had seen and adored Him in life, I wove for Him, through my meditations, a garland in honor of the twelve years of His Holy Childhood. I believe this little devotion was very pleasing to Him because I think I saw Him in the center of my soul, and He spoke to me words similar to the following:

"Tell your Mother Prioress to write a letter to a certain person, and she will receive from her an alms towards the building of the new convent."

What joyous news! Already I felt that here was proof that the Holy Child seemed willing to purchase His little donkey. I ran to our good Mother to acquaint her with these developments. The person whom the Divine Infant had named to me lived about sixty leagues from Tours and I was only slightly acquainted with her, whereas Reverend Mother did not know her at all.

To test somewhat the genuineness of this communication which I reported to her, the prioress wrote to that person, however, saying nothing at all in her letter of the manner in which the Infant Jesus indicated to me that she write. As an answer was somewhat slow in arriving, I began to doubt a little but the Holy Child reassured me. Finally a letter came from this lady, and with it was enclosed a donation of 500 francs towards the building of our new convent.

This was one of the first contributions that the Mother Prioress received and it seemed like a deposit on what this Divine Saviour intended to give her in the future. I was filled with joy when this alms arrived and I said the "Laudate" five hundred times in thanksgiving to honor the Divine Child.

Next I went to the prioress suggesting that since five hundred francs was more than sufficient to buy a donkey, would she consent now that the Child Jesus had sent her this sum to turn me over completely to Him as His own property? She, however, still desiring to try my patience and to test my spirit made me understand that she needed much more money than what had been received to build the house of our Lord, after which she would give me permission to deliver myself to the Holy Child Jesus for the accomplishment of His designs.

I, therefore, returned once more and fervently begged Him to help Reverend Mother in the huge project that faced her.

One day after this during prayertime it seemed to me that I found myself as it were in the center of a building project. Our Lord then made me understand how glorious a thing it really is and also how meritorious to build Him a house. He further made me comprehend that the prioress would have many worries in the course of the construction project, but He told me that I would furnish her with the stones necessary to build the house.

He also told me to inform the prioress not to fret over money saying that if the house were built according to the spirit of our mother St. Teresa, He Himself would pay for everything and that we would have donations arriving to us from all sides.

"But," He added, "if, on the contrary, the house is not built according to this spirit, let pay whoever will!"

I found myself deeply embarrassed to be forced to deliver this message to Reverend Mother. In fact, I hardly dared approach her with it, but at last, doing violence to myself, I went to her in order to carry out the will of our Lord. When I finished telling the prioress what our Lord had made me hear, she confessed to me that all during the previous night she had hardly slept at all because she was very much worried over the building plan which the architect had just submitted to her, since this blueprint was not at all suitable for a Carmelite foundation.

She, therefore, set about at once to have an entirely different set of plans drawn, so that the new monastery would be in conformity with the spirit of our mother St. Teresa. After this, our Lord well pleased with the building project now indicated that He was ready to fulfill His part of the promise. As for the stones which I was to furnish for the building of our Lord's house, they were to be purchased with a good deal of trouble, for as our Lord later made known to me, these stones were the Prayers of Reparation to the Holy Face, to atone for blasphemies against the Holy Name of God, which prayers were destined to bring down on our cloister great blessings.

The moment was approaching for God to accomplish His designs in my soul, for one day while I was opening my heart to Reverend Mother and telling her of the extraordinary communications and favors which I had the grace of receiving from our Lord, in spite of my unworthiness, during those years before entering the convent, she told me that, perhaps I had since proved myself somewhat unfaithful to God, since these unusual favors had ceased, and for me now to make atonement. She urged me to pray that our Saviour would place my soul in the same dispositions which I had in the past when our Lord favored me with those exalted communications. I obeyed.

Shortly afterwards our Lord invited me to apply myself particularly to honoring His Divine Heart and also the Heart of His holy Mother, promising me that He would favor me in the future with graces even more extraordinary than those which He had in the past conferred upon me.

I did what our Lord assigned to me, and honoring the Heart of Jesus and the Heart of Mary, I applied myself with great devotion to these two hearts. However, before granting me further graces our Lord prepared my soul now by plunging it into great interior sufferings. I began to experience during prayer a loving and a burning attraction to the Three Persons of the Most Blessed Trinity. Feeling myself constrained repeatedly to renew my vows, I henceforth dedicated the three powers of my soul to the Three adorable Persons in God, Who now operated great marvels in my soul, but in a manner which I am unable to explain. I was plunged in an abyss of suffering born as it were of my immense desire to glorify God, but recognizing my extreme misery, I felt annihilated and incapable of anything good.

Finally, our Lord having purified my soul according to His designs, in spite of my unworthiness, communicated Himself to me on August 26, 1843, speaking to me for the first time about His great Work of the Reparation for blasphemy, destined to redound to the glory of the Holy Name of God. However, since I have written about this elsewhere, I will not here speak of it in detail.

I will mention merely that I received from our Lord several communications on the subject of this Work, of which I have rendered an exact account to my superiors, who in their wisdom and prudence soon forbade me to occupy myself with it. I was even forbidden to think about it. Furthermore, when I submitted an account of the prayers of reparation to the glory of the Holy Name of God which it pleased our Lord to make known to me, our Reverend Mother took these prayers away from me and would not permit me to recite them. Since I was persuaded that my superiors would do nothing except through God's Providence, I submitted to their orders and did everything in my power to obey them.

But our Lord, if I may so express myself, made a hole for me in the wall of obedience, by coming into my heart, or rather drawing me entirely to Himself in order to speak further to me about His Work. One day, while visiting our Reverend Mother to give her an account of my interior dispositions, I told her that in my prayer I was continually drawn to make Reparation for the outrages committed against God by blasphemers. She scolded me very much and forbade me to continue these prayers. Ordering me to apply myself to a simple consideration of my last end, or some other subject, she said that instead of occupying myself in trying to make reparation for others, it would be better if I prayed for myself, for perhaps I had blasphemed God in my own heart: "Why do you not meditate on words which God may some day say to you, such as 'Go ye accursed into everlasting fire'?"

Now, deeply afflicted at seeing Reverend Mother so displeased with me I turned to our Lord for help for, indeed, I had a great fear of disobeying the orders of my superior and, on the other hand, I did not know how to set about changing my method of prayer by going contrary to the light which our Lord placed in my soul. So applying myself rigidly to meditate on the subject which the Prioress indicated, I later went to give her an account of my meditation asking her to tell me whether I had fulfilled her command. When Reverend Mother assured me that I did well, I found calm restored within my soul. After that our Lord one day made me understand that I must obey my superiors rather than any communication which I believed that He Himself had given me.

Nevertheless, in the midst of all this, my soul was in fearful straits for I found no consolation anywhere, neither in my confessor nor in my superiors who in their wisdom wanted to test my spirit in order to assure themselves whether, indeed, this was the work of God. Then it was that I felt the crushing weight of that Cross which our Lord had promised He would give me after I became a Religious, which promise had been made to me long before I entered Carmel.

So it happened that whenever our Lord would communicate to me anything on the subject of His Work of Reparation, I did not dare to speak of it to our good Mother, but writing everything down, I would bring my account to her in her office, glad indeed, whenever I found that she was not there. I remember trembling from head to toes, holding the little letter I had written in my hand, and standing with it before the Blessed Sacrament to offer it to Him there before daring to bring it to the prioress.

This Work was at times like a devouring flame within me. While my whole being longed to speak of the Work of Reparation to someone who might be interested, I was forbidden to say a word about it. Finally, one day our Lord granted me an unusual consolation. I was giving Reverend Mother an account of my interior sufferings and telling her how much the Work of Reparation entrusted to me had cost me in anguish. Our good Mother then said to me:

"My child, what do you want of me? I can do nothing for you. You must give birth to this Work in pain."

Suddenly, through an act of Providence something fell from the book which Reverend Mother just then held in her hands. It was a small picture on which was also printed an Act of Reparation to the Most Holy Name of God, followed by an urgent warning to the people of France to make an effort to appease the anger of God aroused because of blasphemies. In fact, everything which was printed on this notice had a most striking resemblance to all the communications which I had received from our Lord on the topic of Reparation.

Reverend Mother was greatly astonished for she never even knew of the existence of this pamphlet until now. As for me, I was ravished with joy for certainly here was a sign that our Lord came to my rescue by permitting this incident of the printed prayer to come to light at the very moment that I was opening my soul to our good Mother telling her about the anguish I endured in connection with being charged to promote this Work of Reparation, all of which still seemed to her but a chimera of my imagination.

Examining the pamphlet, Reverend Mother noted that it had been printed in 1819 by Monsignor Soyer, at that time the Vicar General of Poitiers, and later the Bishop of Lucon. The pamphlet was entitled Warning to the People of France. Under a sub-title, "Reparation will appease the anger of God," the pamphlet went on to explain that blasphemies were rampant and that they were drawing down the anger of God, all of which was exactly what our Lord had been telling me.

Turning to me with a smile, our good Mother now said to me somewhat amused:

"Sister, if I did not know you as well as I do, I might take you to be a sorceress," to which I replied:

"Reverend Mother, it is the Holy Angels who have placed this pamphlet in your hands."

I was quite sure of this for I had invoked them before coming to speak with the prioress, and undoubtedly the Holy Angels came to my assistance by making this particular book come into notice at the moment. It turned out too that not only was Reverend Mother and I completely unacquainted with the existence of the pamphlet in question, but none of the sisters in the house had ever known of it until then.

Pushing the matter to a final conclusion, Reverend Mother wrote to the Bishop of Lucon who had published that pamphlet in 1819, asking him for some information on the subject. He answered her saying that it was he who had published that pamphlet at the request of a very chosen soul, a Carmelite of Poitiers, with whom our Lord communed very intimately, and who was certainly led in extraordinary ways. "This wonderful Carmelite," wrote Bishop Soyer, "was a most mortified soul, as also the most humble and the most holy that I have ever known. For the edification of your Order, her life should be written."

This admirable Carmelite whose name was Mother Adelaide had died July 31, 1843, and it was only twenty-six days after her death, that is on August 26, 1843, that our Lord chose me to inherit this, His Work of Reparation, by speaking of it to me for the first time. But alas, if our Lord had bequeathed to me her Work, I recognized now how great a need there was for me also to inherit her virtues, for I felt very much devoid of them.

At this time, also, our Lord permitted that my superiors should learn that Pope Gregory XVI had just granted, on August 8, 1843, a Brief, authorizing a Confraternity of Reparation for blasphemy in Rome, under the patronage of St. Louis, King of France. I felt that the knowledge of this concurring event would serve as convincing proof for my superiors to determine the spirit which led me.

However, when my superiors examined the rules of this Confraternity of Reparation already in existence at Rome, questioning the need of another similar Confraternity, for which I begged, our Lord told me to explain to them that His Work of Reparation revealed to me was to have as its aim not only reparation for blasphemy, but also reparation for the profanation of the Holy Day of the Lord, both enormous sins, arousing the anger of God.

Besides it seems noteworthy to mention here that the particular date of August 26, 1843, on which our Lord spoke to me for the first time on the subject of reparation, had also a special significance in the light of the following incident. In several parishes of the city of Tours, a very pious gentleman* had distributed a leaflet containing a prayer, honoring the Holy Name of God, and imploring, through the intercession of St. Louis, the extirpation of blasphemy. This novena of prayers had been made for nine days preceding August 25, the Feast of St. Louis. What is remarkable in connection with this novena leaflet is that whereas it had been circulated in parishes throughout the city, as we later found out, none of these pamphlets reached our Carmel. Then on the day after the Feast of St. Louis, that is on August 26, our Lord communicated to me, the most unworthy of the community of Carmelites, the fruit of the prayers of these pious souls.

All these strokes of Providence gathered together tended to enlighten my worthy superiors as to the operations of God in my soul. In consequence of this I was now permitted to occupy myself with the Work of Reparation according to the inspirations which our Lord would give me. Reverend Mother also returned to me the Prayers of Reparation which our Lord had inspired me to write down, and I was ravished with joy at this, for having my Prayers back again, I now began to recite them every day with much fervor.

Our Lord then made known to me that these prayers were very agreeable to Him. Finally, one day, He told me that I must ask my superiors to have these prayers printed. From this communication there now came to me a new source of trouble, for our wise prioress, seeing that our Lord continued to press for His Work in my soul, desired to establish it on a sure foundation in order to determine still further whether it was truly the spirit of God that led me.

One day she told me that I appeared to her as another Pierre Michel. This man was a visionary who had fooled quite a number of people with his false reports about his revelations. Although he had also paid a visit to our Reverend Mother, she was not at all taken in by his false trickery, for she recognized at once by what spirit he was led. Apprehended later, this man was condemned to several years' imprisonment. Seeing myself actually compared with such an individual, I hardly knew what to think of my communications.

Then one day our Lord reassured me, saying: "As long as you are obedient and humble, and nourish no bitterness in your heart, you can rest assured that you are not being deceived."

Soon after this, Reverend Mother became very ill. I loved her very much and had great confidence in her, although she often scolded me for the good of my soul and to make sure of the work of God within me.

One day during prayer, our Lord told me that to obtain the cure of our Reverend Mother, the community must, for nine days, recite the Prayers of Reparation which I had composed. Our Lord also mentioned that we should add a few acts of mortification, and that if this were done, the prioress would soon be able to résumé her duties in the convent.

I made all this known to our dear sick Mother, and begged her to allow the community to make this novena for her cure. She consented to this, but since none of the sisters knew that it was I who had been inspired to compose these prayers, and since they would readily recognize my handwriting were I to pen them, to prevent them from even suspecting my part in this, it was decided that our confessor should copy these prayers. Therefore, it was believed by the sisters that this new devotion came from him. The community made this novena and our Lord fulfilled His promise. Our Reverend Mother was soon well enough to be able to attend to her regular work.

In all this, our Lord was showing my superiors, if I can so express myself, that He had chosen the ground of my soul, planning to build upon it a certain edifice. I refer to the Work of Reparation. For it was easy by now to see that it was for the accomplishment of His designs in this same Work that He had invited me to offer Him an Act of Perfect Abandonment of myself from the time I first entered Religion, of which I have already spoken many times, and which my superiors in their prudence had judged proper to refuse me to make.